Venting The cognitive dissonance it takes me to keep living while being suicidal

[Daxter_87]

I feel deluded. I feel like I have to delude myself while I keep living because, well, I have to keep living until my parents' demise. Yeah, if I could just off myself right now and free myself from such a pointless and pain-filled existence, I would do it without hesitation. But the fact is that I can't, as my parents would obviously find out.

I have to wait patiently, and in the meantime, I have to delude myself. I feel like a fool, truly like a silly little animal, driven by his desires and instincts. Life fools me, and I fall for it like the ignorant, deluded asshole that I happen to be.

I don't fall for it that much though. I mean, I am always pretty depressed and there aren't really too many things that I find appealing at all. This world feels totally boring and uninteresting to me. But there's still a part of me that has to repress and deny what I already know: that this world is absolutely filled with pain and suffering, that we are extremely selfish creatures, that we live at the expense of other sentient beings' suffering... You know the story.

It's, like I say in the title, a cognitive dissonance. I came across these horrible truths, I became an antinatalist and an efilist as a result... and yet I have to keep going like it's nothing (at least until I can finally CTB).

Or maybe this is just my OCD at work and I'm overthinking everything once again. Sorry for the long rant.

 

[Faded_in_Dreams]

Wow, you really do care about your parents.

And I agree that all of us are selfish creatures.

But consider that other sentient beings are selfish too.

And at the same time, we are the ones who think about these kinds of things.

Another thing that came in my mind.

I've been thinking about it long time ago and I found out that people who get hurt deeply usually decide between isolating themselves and hurting others.
And you know which group you belong to.

All of us will get hurt by our parents in different ways, but what you are thinking about and considering your parents lives and feelings is definitely adorable.

Selfish part of you wants to finish the pain, but you are standing it because you don't want to cause more pain for your parents. You actually do care about them.
That's all I get (I'm not native, so I spent 40 minutes trying to somehow understand it and reply to it,Sorry If I got it wrong ).

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring being in that situation, I get that it's awful feeling trapped here when you just wish to be free from everything and of course it's undeniable that death is the only relief in such a hellish world that is filled with endless suffering. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Daxter_87]

Wow, you really do care about your parents.

And I agree that all of us are selfish creatures.

But consider that other sentient beings are selfish too.

And at the same time, we are the ones who think about these kinds of things.

Another thing that came in my mind.

I've been thinking about it long time ago and I found out that people who get hurt deeply usually decide between isolating themselves and hurting others.
And you know which group you belong to.

All of us will get hurt by our parents in different ways, but what you are thinking about and considering your parents lives and feelings is definitely adorable.

Selfish part of you wants to finish the pain, but you are standing it because you don't want to cause more pain for your parents. You actually do care about them.
That's all I get (I'm not native, so I spent 40 minutes trying to somehow understand it and reply to it,Sorry If I got it wrong ).

I really appreciate your reply, but you got it partly wrong. It doesn't help that I'm not a native English speaker either and, therefore, my post probably contains its fair share of errors. I don't CTB right now because, if I did, I would get caught by my parents and they would "save" me.