Discussion The calm, almost indifferent feeling of CTB?

[itsmeagain]

I've been thinking on and off about catching the bus for a while now. Mostly because sometimes good things happen, but it seems like at the end of the day I constantly feel alone and it's probably one of the most crippling feelings I've ever had. But when I think about CTB, I go "Yeah. I could do that. That would be nice." I don't feel any sudden yank of emotion either way, just that, if I complete my note and get the materials I need for it, that I would be more than ready to do it, and that not doing it is very painful, but the thought of doing it... doesn't really scare me. It's like deciding what you're going to wear in the morning.

Does anyone else feel this way, why do you think you do? Where does it come from?

 

[arposandra]

Does anyone else feel this way, why do you think you do? Where does it come from?

Relief in having a cessation to the pain. Just knowing that I have that eject button for when I've truly exhausted everything is extremely calming.

 

[Iloveyouall]

It's like deciding what you're going to wear in the morning.

Funny metaphor.
Do you WANT to do it ? Or is it just a thing that you could do ?

 

[gentleflower]

For me knowning that I theoretically could exit at any moment, is very soothing. It is a comfort to know that if life truly gets unbearable, I can end it.
The moments that I have been close to doing it, I did not feel anything really, relief maybe but that's it.

 

[waterbottleman]

I know I'm ready, I no longer fear death, I no longer feel creeped out, scared, alienated like I'm a freak, and other various negative emotions I used to feel when I thought about suicide. Death seems like a warm embrace to me, a light in the dark cave that I am in.

This just happened to me the other night, I came home to my apartment after being out doing errands. I heard something in my kitchen and thought it may be a person. I didn't even feel afraid as I normally would. I just felt indifference, like my safety and life are of no value to me anymore. Unfortunately turns out no one was there, it was just gravity shifting some random object in my kitchen.

 

[deadalready]

What if you can't die like many of us lurking here?

 

[Deadunicorn]

It's like you read my mind lol. I seem to have good days and good times with friends but In the back of my mind and at the end of the day the thoughts of ctb are always there. I'm in this standstill where I want to ctb but at the same time I'm indifferent about it.

 

[Iloveyouall]

I know I'm ready, I no longer fear death, I no longer feel creeped out, scared, alienated like I'm a freak, and other various negative emotions I used to feel when I thought about suicide. Death seems like a warm embrace to me, a light in the dark cave that I am in.

This just happened to me the other night, I came home to my apartment after being out doing errands. I heard something in my kitchen and thought it may be a person. I didn't even feel afraid as I normally would. I just felt indifference, like my safety and life are of no value to me anymore. Unfortunately turns out no one was there, it was just gravity shifting some random object in my kitchen.

So you almost litterally experienced the Donald duck meme.

 

[itsmeagain]

Relief in having a cessation to the pain. Just knowing that I have that eject button for when I've truly exhausted everything is extremely calming.

I think this makes sense. It still feels like most of it, but it still feels like there's a piece missing of the puzzle. Thank you for your response <3

Funny metaphor.
Do you WANT to do it ? Or is it just a thing that you could do ?

Both.

For me knowning that I theoretically could exit at any moment, is very soothing. It is a comfort to know that if life truly gets unbearable, I can end it.
The moments that I have been close to doing it, I did not feel anything really, relief maybe but that's it.

I'm just worried that halfway through I may feel like I don't want to anymore, but who hasn't worried about that?

I know I'm ready, I no longer fear death, I no longer feel creeped out, scared, alienated like I'm a freak, and other various negative emotions I used to feel when I thought about suicide. Death seems like a warm embrace to me, a light in the dark cave that I am in.

This just happened to me the other night, I came home to my apartment after being out doing errands. I heard something in my kitchen and thought it may be a person. I didn't even feel afraid as I normally would. I just felt indifference, like my safety and life are of no value to me anymore. Unfortunately turns out no one was there, it was just gravity shifting some random object in my kitchen.

I completely understand what that's like. That kind of thing turns on and off for me. Sometimes when I hear a super loud car i flinch out of reflex, but when I think about the way I want to die, when I thinka bout my plan... It's not so scary anymore.

What if you can't die like many of us lurking here?

Can't die...? Like, I imagine you mean like wuss out or something to that extent. I... try not to think of that.

It's like you read my mind lol. I seem to have good days and good times with friends but In the back of my mind and at the end of the day the thoughts of ctb are always there. I'm in this standstill where I want to ctb but at the same time I'm indifferent about it.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IM FEELING! YOU GOT IT!

 

[waterbottleman]

So you almost litterally experienced the Donald duck meme.

Ha idk what that is

 

[Iloveyouall]

Ha idk what that is

https://starecat.com/content/wp-content/uploads/when-you-hear-something-go-bump-in-the-dark-but-then-you-remember-you-dont-care-whether-you-live-or-die-donald-duck.jpg

 

[waterbottleman]

https://starecat.com/content/wp-content/uploads/when-you-hear-something-go-bump-in-the-dark-but-then-you-remember-you-dont-care-whether-you-live-or-die-donald-duck.jpg

Hahaha yeah that is me lol

 

[deadalready]

I think this makes sense. It still feels like most of it, but it still feels like there's a piece missing of the puzzle. Thank you for your response <3

Both.

I'm just worried that halfway through I may feel like I don't want to anymore, but who hasn't worried about that?

I completely understand what that's like. That kind of thing turns on and off for me. Sometimes when I hear a super loud car i flinch out of reflex, but when I think about the way I want to die, when I thinka bout my plan... It's not so scary anymore.

Can't die...? Like, I imagine you mean like wuss out or something to that extent. I... try not to think of that.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IM FEELING! YOU GOT IT!

That's what I thought initially too, thinking and doing suicide is two different things

I took into account that I could probably chicken out but I think I will eventually find a way to CTB in the end with strict deadline, but nope, not yet

 

[one4all]

Thinking about it and actually trying to do it,, are two separate things.

Just another random 2 cents

 

[Deleted-User-0]

You would feel differently when you are ordering stuff to CTB or when you are about to pull down the exist bag on your face.
So far you have been fantasising about it and there is nothing wrong with that if it makes you feel better.