Venting The bus is getting closer...

[I’mDone]

Today I decided to stop taking antidepressants. Im 52, been ready to ctb since my teens but had no knowledge back then. Spent a lot of years listening to people who convinced me things could be so much better, that I could be healed. Meds, different therapies, all put a sticking plaster over the wound but nothing reaches the festering sore underneath. I've got sn on order. I've got meto. And with this lockdown, I've got opportunity. Nobody comes to visit, ever. Hardly anybody even phones. Nobody would even notice for days, if not weeks. Nobody gives a shit. I really wanted to tie up all the loose ends, sell my flat, pay off mortgage & debts. At least then people would remember me for leaving them a good sum of money, rather than leaving a lot of things for them to deal with. But I can't even summon up the motivation to get started on those things. I'm done. I'm so done. I'm beyond caring whether people hate me for leaving things unfinished. Time to get ready. Hopefully just a few more weeks...

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

I'm sorry you had to go through half way of your life depressed. You are so strong, I'm gonna CTB at age 18 holy shit. I really do hope you find peace in whatever you make and I'm proud of you for being strong (: my bus comes in one week. I'm excited for the pain to end but sad my life has come to an end. Wish the best for you!!

 

[cazwiz]

I came really close to cbt this time last week. Really close. My friend was poised to get me admitted to a psych ward to stop me, but she managed to grab on to the only motivation I had to not go through with it, and that was my concern that I'd draw hospital resource away at a time when people who really want to live need every doctor and nurse they can get. If I failed and ended up in hospital my sense of worth would be even lower and I'd have guilt to add to it too. I doubt this is what you want to hear, and please believe I am pro-choice, but there's a lot to consider here. I guess I'm just asking you to not act on impulse and be very sure of what you want and very sure that you can do it perfectly. Wishing you all the best, but most of all wishing you a peaceful mind x

 

[I’mDone]

I'm sorry you had to go through half way of your life depressed. You are so strong, I'm gonna CTB at age 18 holy shit. I really do hope you find peace in whatever you make and I'm proud of you for being strong (: my bus comes in one week. I'm excited for the pain to end but sad my life has come to an end. Wish the best for you!!

The truth is, friend, I'm not strong. I'm weak so I listened to people who told me it could be healed. My self-esteem is so low that I believed everyone rather than my own mind. I'm so pathetically desperate to be liked, for people not to think badly of me, that I tried whatever they suggested, not what was right for me. I'm also clever and articulate. I've become very, very good at maintaining a facade to the extent that I convinced consultant psychologists that I was "cured". But I know the truth. I'm a sham, a mirage. I appear confident and successful but I'm unworthy of living. But at least I'm now determined and will not let weakness stop me.

I wish you strength to find the right path for you. If you decide to ctb then I wish you a peaceful journey, and that you find what you're hoping for at the end of it.

I came really close to cbt this time last week. Really close. My friend was poised to get me admitted to a psych ward to stop me, but she managed to grab on to the only motivation I had to not go through with it, and that was my concern that I'd draw hospital resource away at a time when people who really want to live need every doctor and nurse they can get. If I failed and ended up in hospital my sense of worth would be even lower and I'd have guilt to add to it too. I doubt this is what you want to hear, and please believe I am pro-choice, but there's a lot to consider here. I guess I'm just asking you to not act on impulse and be very sure of what you want and very sure that you can do it perfectly. Wishing you all the best, but most of all wishing you a peaceful mind x

I hear you my friend. Trust me, when I ctb there'll be no need for medical intervention other than a pathologist.