The bad thoughts keep coming back

[ineedrope]

I am 25. I graduated 2 years ago. I just got a "good" job in April. I had serious thoughts about committing suicide early 2022 when I joined this forum, stronger than they ever were before due to messing things up with a girl i was speaking too.

I was working remotely since last year, this job is more money but not remote. I am already the outcast at my place of work. I have no partner or no real friend group. I'm incredibly alone. Everyone on my team has an SO but me. I should have known that switching to an onsite job was going to cause this. I barely left the house in 2022.

The thoughts don't seem to ever go away and they keep coming back. I feel like I will be battling with this demon forever if I don't do anything about it. I have already been battling with it for a long time (had many thoughts in high school).

This job is good but I might have to quit due to my mental health.

I hate myself. I have no more interests. I can't play video game anymore. If I didn't have online friends from 10+ years ago that I still talk to today I would have no one to talk too.

I'm not sure how many routs of deep sadness I can take. I've had too many in my life as it is, starting at 12-13.

People in my life don't understand me. It's like I live in a completely different world.

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm sorry, I can relate to a couple things you stated and I Absolutely fckn hate it. Life on life's terms, relationships, resentments, hatred towards yourself and others....... It's pretty Fckn daunting to say the Least.

I wish you Nothing but the best in whatever may happen, you are Not alone.

 

[00nobody00]

I am getting close to planning my exit again. I have failed miserably in my life and now i just feel like an embarrising shell of a man. It breaks my heart thinking about what my loss will do to the few loved ones i still have in my life, but all I do on a day to day basis is live inside of my head and suffer and coast by. I am trying to improve but all of my attempts are futile because now that I am 36 and counting, society cares less and less about me. I feel like one of my best options would be to end my life cause I am not capable of making myself happy anymore

 

[AshClouds]

I deal with the same shit every fucking day. I also only really have online friends, who kept me sane for the past several years. I pushed away my circle of friends a long time ago and now I don't really have irl friends. Weird thing is, for whatever reason I'm cool with it, I don't know why but I am.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really does sound so tiring what you have to endure, I get that it's awful feeling trapped in an existence that you hate, existing here in this world truly is such a terrible thing. But anyway I wish you the best.