Venting The bad kind of epiphany

[Sargasm]

I have always had problems with opening up and really communicating about what is going on with me, far more now when combined with the secrecy and paranoia that comes with hiding the fact that I am suicidal from everyone around me. This is the first time that I have admitted to anyone but myself that I truly am going to kill myself, not just idle discussion like in my other posts.

So anyway, this is me opening up. I apologize in advance.

I was filling out job applications earlier today and one asked for 4 personal references. No family or former coworkers. Friends. I went through my phone contacts and realized I had pushed them all away and had to put in people I haven't talked to in over three years.

Some I pushed away to make my CTB easier for them to accept. Some because of the avoidance of everyone that I possibly could, brought on by my depression and anxiety. The rest because I've had two mental breakdowns in the past 4 years, and surprise surprise, I avoided getting any kind of help. I finally pissed them off enough times that they stopped talking to me.

The crushing feeling of loneliness and sadness is....palpable. And overwhelming feelings of anger and frustration toward myself for still being alive. I let my life spiral out of control because I didn't think I would be around to have to deal with it. It was nice to not have to be responsible for once. Holy crap I smoked so much weed. Now I am trudging along in misery and shame, waiting for another massive depression spiral because I at least have a gun.

It's not the method I wanted to use, or even the gun I would prefer (9mm handgun), but I do take some comfort in knowing that I have it.

So here I am looking for a job so I can use the SN method with my first paycheck. I may still use the "Nite Nite" method in conjunction with it to speed up going unconscious, but the bottom line is that when the next spiral hits, I am hitting the "fuck it" button on life, one way or another.

Hell I will probably elbow drop that button with all the force that I can muster. I hope.

It's all I hope for anymore.

 

[fastFWD]

hi friend and thanks for sharing some of your story. i think many of us here can relate to your lack of references :( it really is a lonely road that many of us travel here. tbh your same situation prevented me from going on to get a masters degree in college years ago.

finding a job didn't use to be this complicated decades ago :/ heck i used to be able to just show up at some places and get a job; the times sure have changed!

i wish you luck on your job search and honestly if you need a reference just give me a script/necessary background about yourself in a DM/PM and i will put on a wonderful show when an employer calls me on your behalf^^

 

[not_a_robot]

hi friend and thanks for sharing some of your story. i think many of us here can relate to your lack of references :( it really is a lonely road that many of us travel here. tbh your same situation prevented me from going on to get a masters degree in college years ago.

finding a job didn't use to be this complicated decades ago :/ heck i used to be able to just show up at some places and get a job; the times sure have changed!

i wish you luck on your job search and honestly if you need a reference just give me a script/necessary background about yourself in a DM/PM and i will put on a wonderful show when an employer calls me on your behalf^^

Getting a job nowadays is all about proving that you have friends. Nobody gives a shit if you can do the job, HR is only concerned with "do you socialize well in a phony environment with phony people? If so, hired!"

 

[Pilum Muralis]

I always used in-laws as references, as I don't have friends. So long as they had a different last name, they made my list. I would warn them in advanced, and let them know we can't be related, and to be sure to give me a glowing review! Lol
Maybe things have changed in the 10 years since I worked, but when I provided references, and did this trick, they never called them.

 

[RM5998]

I can understand what you're going through here. I had a similar sort of realization when it dawned on me that I would have to survive college, sit for placements and try to get a job. I have shitty grades, no projects, no letters of recommendation, no friends, nothing that will help me get a decent job.

I hope you manage to CTB on your own terms, if you end up going that route. I believe that choosing our own deaths is the small bit of real freedom we can have in our lives, and I hope you get to have that.

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you're feeling bad about this, @Sargasm. Now that you've had this epihany do you feel like reaching out to any of your old friends, just to talk? It sounds like you might feel better if you did - unless you don't want to feel better. (((Hugs)))