Venting The April fools that never ends.

[ButterToast]

A little venting.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with my life. Except for myself.

What's the typical suicidal thought story? Horrible childhood? Abusive partners? Bullied at school? Mine is less dramatic.

I grew up in an amazing family, had great friends, all my needs (even wants) are fulfilled. These are the textbook 'ideal' conditions. yes, i learn a lot about psychology. i know what's up.

But I wish I never exist, exactly because I had been given all of those things, yet, im still a fucking loser. I wish someone else can have my current life and they won't be such a failure. I feel bad for those around me, the math doesn't work out. Someone with background like me should grow up to be an amazing person with a good number of achievement. But, guess what? I have none. I tried looking, for anything that might be a positive thing in my life. none.. nothing at all...

I'm not a good person, not a good friend, not a good student, not a good worker, not a good family member, not a good acquaintance, not a good... anything....
Why me? I'm grateful for all the things in my life, but man, I'm a failure. This is pure guilt. I didn't come from a background of child abuse or bullying or what not. I wasn't born with any defect, intelligence is okay (IQ 120+), there is no reason for me not to succeed. But here I am... Failure at everything.

The only reason why I want to die is not because the burden of this world is too heavy, none of the normal people's reason. It's my (impressive) amount of incompetence. Fuck me. I want to end it quickly, but I also don't want those around me, who care about me to be sad. Even they know I'm a useless piece of shit, they still care. Sometimes, I wish they could forget me or become evil, so I can kill myself in peace, and it will be a net positive for them in the long term.

The only 'wrong' thing in my life is myself. The people around me are too good, they do not deserve to have a filth like me in their life. The environment around me is too kind, I shouldn't make it filthy with my existence.

Even when I try I can't. I'm like a an axe made of leaves. Requires a lot of care and love to build, but ultimately useless. Even if I'm pretty to look at for a bit, really, I'm just waiting to wither and become ugly.

I probably grew up a softie. Which might explain it, but it doesn't change my failure. And my never-ending desire to stop existing. And no, my expectation isn't 'too big', I literally fail at the slightest things. And you know what? usually because of very dumb reasons. Look at my most recent failure lol. I will probably lose my university scholarship because I didn't read the fucking rubric (for uni students, please read your rubric, don't me like me), I explained the topic sooo well, but I forgot to define the term.. that's it. a 1-2 sentence definition. I could've scored easy 90+. but nope. i gotta be an idiot. fuck me. and this is something i know for a looong time. i've always been like this. I know what to do and what i should do, but never did. I tried changing, but somehow, i can't. lmaoo
THE APRIL FOOL THAT NEVER FUCKING ENDS, well, at least not until i die. I wish I die soon enough, not because i hate life or it's horrible, but so those around me can stop being burdened, hindered, and disappointed in me. Mom, dad, my siblings, my best friends, my childhood friends, I'm sorry. You guys deserve better, much better. so. much better..

I wish that truck that hit me in kindergarten had killed me. An accident is my ideal death. Everyone will be sad, but they understand. The scar will be there, but it will heal.

I'm tired. of myself. I'm tired, being a burden to others. I just want to die. And I have just one more selfish wish. For the world, to kill me, in a way that doesn't leave too deep of a scar.

 

[The Burning Fool]

I don't think this reply will make you feel better (although I wish I had such a superpower), I just want to point out that there are many hidden factors in the development of one's personality and entire being. So, from a more enlightened perspective, which I'm sure you've already entertained, you are just like you're supposed to be based on your history of circumstances. There's nothing truly wrong with you.

I'm here to humbly remind you that even if you are such and such, unsuccessful etc., it's not really your own fault. Blaming nature, the universe or whatever would be reasonable but pointless.

Please ignore my thoughts if they have been of no use to you. All I want you to know is that I'm not judging you, and I've been listening to your story. Sending love.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I agree with @Enemargarita187 - you're being so hard on yourself. It's clear you hate yourself- that's not an easy thing to live with. I think we can be so critical of lazy or clumsy people. But- aren't things like motivation and concentration also inherited? Motivation is a massive stumbling block. If a person can't find their drive, everything becomes so much harder. That's not necessarily your fault.

I think you need to start being kinder to yourself. Be grateful for what people have given you- sure- that's good. I guess it's natural to feel disappointed in ourselves from time to time too but you are being so cruel to yourself. A friend once told me our brains will tend to go along with whatever our inner voice tells them. If you keep telling yourself you're a worthless piece of shit- how are you even going to try under so much abuse?

 

[Cloud Busting]

There is no right or wrong reason to ctb or to feel disillusioned with reality or yourself. Your reasons are your own, and you arent less of a person for that.

I attempted to ctb because I believed that I was a burden to everyone around me and to hear that I'm a bigger burden dead than alive while being a curmudgeon ball of stress and doom is what made me decide to hold off. Clearly my head is feeding me lies and my reasons to ctb were not sound. If I get better reasons, it's up to me, but for now I really come up dry.

I really do wonder if your friends and family think you're as much of a letdown and disappointment as you view yourself to be. I felt like such an embarrassment and my family was shocked to discover I tried to ctb because they thought I was doing well. It made me realize my perceptions were distorted.

I'm sorry you made a mistake on your paper. You couldn't ask the instructor if you could take extra credit or figure out a way to get another scholarship? How do you know you're going to lose it anyway?

I thought I lost my cna and got reported when I walked off on my nursing home job… come to find out I was just being pressured and guilted into providing payroll and wasn't even reported because the people shaming me both quit in the same week. the girl I sent a suicide letter to didn't even get the email because she quit so I was worrying over nothing.

It's so easy to fear the worst, and even harder to fact check our biases. And so much easier to be kinder than others than ourselves. A bad person wouldn't worry about letting their friends and family down as much as you do.

It's hard to forgive yourself, but you made a mistake you can learn from. Holding onto shame makes it impossible to learn from those mistakes because we don't believe we deserve to do better for ourselves. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. We think we're a failure so that's all we allow ourselves to be.

We really are our own worst enemies.

 

[drearybreadd]

A little venting.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with my life. Except for myself.

What's the typical suicidal thought story? Horrible childhood? Abusive partners? Bullied at school? Mine is less dramatic.

I grew up in an amazing family, had great friends, all my needs (even wants) are fulfilled. These are the textbook 'ideal' conditions. yes, i learn a lot about psychology. i know what's up.

But I wish I never exist, exactly because I had been given all of those things, yet, im still a fucking loser. I wish someone else can have my current life and they won't be such a failure. I feel bad for those around me, the math doesn't work out. Someone with background like me should grow up to be an amazing person with a good number of achievement. But, guess what? I have none. I tried looking, for anything that might be a positive thing in my life. none.. nothing at all...

I'm not a good person, not a good friend, not a good student, not a good worker, not a good family member, not a good acquaintance, not a good... anything....
Why me? I'm grateful for all the things in my life, but man, I'm a failure. This is pure guilt. I didn't come from a background of child abuse or bullying or what not. I wasn't born with any defect, intelligence is okay (IQ 120+), there is no reason for me not to succeed. But here I am... Failure at everything.

The only reason why I want to die is not because the burden of this world is too heavy, none of the normal people's reason. It's my (impressive) amount of incompetence. Fuck me. I want to end it quickly, but I also don't want those around me, who care about me to be sad. Even they know I'm a useless piece of shit, they still care. Sometimes, I wish they could forget me or become evil, so I can kill myself in peace, and it will be a net positive for them in the long term.

The only 'wrong' thing in my life is myself. The people around me are too good, they do not deserve to have a filth like me in their life. The environment around me is too kind, I shouldn't make it filthy with my existence.

Even when I try I can't. I'm like a an axe made of leaves. Requires a lot of care and love to build, but ultimately useless. Even if I'm pretty to look at for a bit, really, I'm just waiting to wither and become ugly.

I probably grew up a softie. Which might explain it, but it doesn't change my failure. And my never-ending desire to stop existing. And no, my expectation isn't 'too big', I literally fail at the slightest things. And you know what? usually because of very dumb reasons. Look at my most recent failure lol. I will probably lose my university scholarship because I didn't read the fucking rubric (for uni students, please read your rubric, don't me like me), I explained the topic sooo well, but I forgot to define the term.. that's it. a 1-2 sentence definition. I could've scored easy 90+. but nope. i gotta be an idiot. fuck me. and this is something i know for a looong time. i've always been like this. I know what to do and what i should do, but never did. I tried changing, but somehow, i can't. lmaoo
THE APRIL FOOL THAT NEVER FUCKING ENDS, well, at least not until i die. I wish I die soon enough, not because i hate life or it's horrible, but so those around me can stop being burdened, hindered, and disappointed in me. Mom, dad, my siblings, my best friends, my childhood friends, I'm sorry. You guys deserve better, much better. so. much better..

I wish that truck that hit me in kindergarten had killed me. An accident is my ideal death. Everyone will be sad, but they understand. The scar will be there, but it will heal.

I'm tired. of myself. I'm tired, being a burden to others. I just want to die. And I have just one more selfish wish. For the world, to kill me, in a way that doesn't leave too deep of a scar.

I get your reason, and I don't want to influence you in any way, and you've probably already considered this but maybe hearing it from someone on here might have a bit more meaning- it's really, really not your fault. Like, you hate yourself, but everything you talk about seems to be a mistake, unintentional (intention is everything- after studying philosophy for a long time what I believe). Maybe you've already realized that, but everyone makes mistakes, all the time. They try to hide it but there's so so many people who make mistakes that they hide because they're stupid or life ruining or scumbag things. But there's also people who deliberately ruin things. There's people (me lol) who didn't try just because they didn't want to, even if they could and had all the resources. I am not the one who chose this life right? Why should I have to make use of it if I never asked for that responsibility? Humans are biologically greedy and lazy and you shouldn't be ashamed of this. You seem to be trying really hard to be a good person and blaming yourself for factors you can't control. You didn't read a rubric. The teachers should've emphasized something so important. The entire education system is screwed up anyways. Your brains works different than other peoples and that isn't your fault. You grew up soft, in wealth and with support, but that doesn't mean there's any obligation for you to be successful and do good things. Even if you don't try, you aren't scum for that. And if you try and fail, there's nothing you could've done about it. You tried and it didn't work- it's not your fault if you did everything you could. You can't just remember something you already forgot. Hindsight is 20/20. Have you read about the philosophical argument, that almost all humans are inherently immoral, because they don't choose to donate money to the people in need every chance they get? It sounds ridiculous and it's the reasoning you are using right now. You are looking at it from a strange perspective. And of course, if you do agree with this argument then you can ignore everything else because in that case you are correct.