Venting The antid's did it

[Deleted member 18655]

I'm officially Depressed. capital D Depressed. I was put on a low dose of antidepressants late last week and have been groggy and depressed ever since. For the first time in about 13 years. It's official - the ECT and all of my accomplishments in life are over. COVID killed it all. And, since the world is changed so drastically, there's no way for it go back.

As I left the pharmacy with the pills I felt defeated. I failed; my brain failed me. Before going on them I was making a logical decision to ctb; now I feel like the decisions I need to make before I do ctb are muddied with emotion. I've never liked emotions and have always thought they were more of nuissances than anything useful.

I suppose I can be grateful for the Depression as it will lead me in the right direction - toward the bus stop. It's just a lot to let sink in.

 

[Emily_Numb]

As someone who has been off and on psychiatric medication for 20 years please let me stress, it is not a weakness. Would you feel the same way for a person who needed insulin for diabetes? No.

There is absolutely no reason to feel like a failure for being on medication. Most people will be on an antidepressant at some point in their lives.

You should feel good about yourself and the fact you reached out for help. Lots of people don't and suffer in silence.

 

[Wayfaerer]

What's a post-Covid world even going to look like? From what I understand, I think that's another reason I can write on my laundry list of reasons why CTB is the better option.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

You should feel good about yourself and the fact you reached out for help. Lots of people don't and suffer in silence.

Thank you. And you're right. But, at 35, with PTSD, Anorexia and Bipolar II on my back, and in a bad marriage, my biggest accomplishment was dragging myself into my doctor's office to demand ECT. And it worked better than it should have. And it would have stayed as wonderful as it was if it weren't for COVID. (Take it or leave it) the fact that it's planned and sinister just makes it all worse). No one is to blame, maybe, but since I'm the one handling (or not handling) things, blaming myself just makes sense.

What's a post-Covid world even going to look like? From what I understand, I think that's another reason I can write on my laundry list of reasons why CTB is the better option.

Here in Canada, the mask malarkey will be here for up to five years. The indoctrination of fear and panic will heighten every few months as Lockdowns come and go, and there are already reports of three COVID jails for (people like me) who can't or won't comply. Isolation is getting to me but going out in public, feeling like I'm in a bad sci-fi movie is just as bad.

The new psychotherapist, the support group (I can't bring myself to go to) and the antidepressants are all just colours of my New Normal that I can't bear.

I loathe being such a Downer.

 

[whywere]

Hi! 1st) My heart breaks for you, you have NOT..NOT failed at all. NEVER EVER have you failed. You are trying something new and it can make a person at first feel defeated. I was in the same place as you 7 years ago and YES I felt the same way. It took some time, I have been on celexa all this time, for me to find it in my heart that I am worthy and Coeur.Brise' you too, I hope, will find that also. You are a very kind soul with so much to give yourself and this world. I for one, would feel as if a part of me was missing if you are not with us. Just take a step back, sort out things in good time and I hope you will see just how special you are to the world and to all of us here.Just throwing it out there, but I am here to help support you if you so choose, there in again, 7 years ago I went through alot of the same emotions and had to do it by myself. I wish you the most wonderous sunrises and sunsets and I am so happy to be able to call you a friend and a global family member.

 

[Emily_Numb]

Thank you. And you're right. But, at 35, with PTSD, Anorexia and Bipolar II on my back, and in a bad marriage, my biggest accomplishment was dragging myself into my doctor's office to demand ECT. And it worked better than it should have. And it would have stayed as wonderful as it was if it weren't for COVID. (Take it or leave it) the fact that it's planned and sinister just makes it all worse). No one is to blame, maybe, but since I'm the one handling (or not handling) things, blaming myself just makes sense.


Here in Canada, the mask malarkey will be here for up to five years. The indoctrination of fear and panic will heighten every few months as Lockdowns come and go, and there are already reports of three COVID jails for (people like me) who can't or won't comply. Isolation is getting to me but going out in public, feeling like I'm in a bad sci-fi movie is just as bad.

The new psychotherapist, the support group (I can't bring myself to go to) and the antidepressants are all just colours of my New Normal that I can't bear.

I loathe being such a Downer.

I'm 37, Married and have Borderline, EDNOS and CPTSD so can absolutely relate. I am shocked that they are willing to refer your for ECT. ECT is usually an absolute last resort when EVERYTHING else has failed.

I don't do group support. It's not my cup of tea at all. You don't have to do group therapy. It's not the solution to feeling better. You are in charge here.

I really, REALLY wouldn't look at ECT until you've exhausted every other option which by the sound of it, you've only just got a diagnosis for depression, so you are at the beginning of your journey.

I would look at finding a Psychiatrist who can diagnose you properly. 'Depression' is often a symptom of an underlying mental health issue, doctors/GP's just use it as a catch all.

I know what you mean about Covid. It's fucking RUINED my existence. I used to spend all day alone and be able to have space and silence to do what I want, but my husband is at home all the time now working and has just taken over the house which has been my sanctuary for years. It no longer feels like my home. I feel stifled and trapped and I fucking hate it. I wish I could wind the clock back to last summer and how normal everything was.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I wish I knew what to say, but all I can do is send love. Depression is horrible and it can be a hard diagnosis to accept. I'm sorry you're in so much pain

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Hi! 1st) My heart breaks for you, you have NOT..NOT failed at all. NEVER EVER have you failed. You are trying something new and it can make a person at first feel defeated. I was in the same place as you 7 years ago and YES I felt the same way. It took some time, I have been on celexa all this time, for me to find it in my heart that I am worthy and Coeur.Brise' you too, I hope, will find that also. You are a very kind soul with so much to give yourself and this world. I for one, would feel as if a part of me was missing if you are not with us. Just take a step back, sort out things in good time and I hope you will see just how special you are to the world and to all of us here.Just throwing it out there, but I am here to help support you if you so choose, there in again, 7 years ago I went through alot of the same emotions and had to do it by myself. I wish you the most wonderous sunrises and sunsets and I am so happy to be able to call you a friend and a global family member.

How can a bunch of words with no face behind them be so touching and bring me to tears? The past years were the first ones in my life that I was med-free. I was a walking pathology from 13 until the ECT. Not a drop of drugs, no treatment, no labels. I am not one to resent God or blame "the world" for anything but if it weren't for the past six months, I wouldn't be down here again. And it's down. In the pit. I was high on life and now I'm lower than I've ever been. How can that not be a failure? I'm leading on the professionals in my life and clinging to the idea of the SN I'm too scared to open. I want the page to turn already - to a better chapter or to the last page. This story is not an easy one to read.

Your words, though, are like jewels on a page. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I'm 37, Married and have Borderline, EDNOS and CPTSD so can absolutely relate. I am shocked that they are willing to refer your for ECT. ECT is usually an absolute last resort when EVERYTHING else has failed.

I don't do group support. It's not my cup of tea at all. You don't have to do group therapy. It's not the solution to feeling better. You are in charge here.

I really, REALLY wouldn't look at ECT until you've exhausted every other option which by the sound of it, you've only just got a diagnosis for depression, so you are at the beginning of your journey.

I would look at finding a Psychiatrist who can diagnose you properly. 'Depression' is often a symptom of an underlying mental health issue, doctors/GP's just use it as a catch all.

I know what you mean about Covid. It's fucking RUINED my existence. I used to spend all day alone and be able to have space and silence to do what I want, but my husband is at home all the time now working and has just taken over the house which has been my sanctuary for years. It no longer feels like my home. I feel stifled and trapped and I fucking hate it. I wish I could wind the clock back to last summer and how normal everything was.

Thank you, Emily

I had to laugh at myself the other night, at around 3 or 4am: I have a birthday coming up and, until a few days ago in the middle of the night, I thought it was my 50th coming up. I realised in the twilight that it's only 49 - 'good thing I'm young at heart because I certainly don't feel or act my age!

I had ECT around 14 years ago. It's not typically as successful for most people as it was for me. It worked after the first treatment and it just got better as the treatments went on. It's not an option now (my choice) because I don't want to tempt fate and mess up wires that were somehow spared back then - I had very few side effects from it all. I want my brain to stay as intact as possible. But it was the best decision I ever made and my biggest accomplishment - advocating for myself and sticking out my arm every other day for a month for the aenesthetic needle that scared me more than anything!

COVID and the separation anxiety from lockdown re-triggered the PTSD. It's blatant. I'm choosing to take this all as an opportunity to deal with the DID I've known since I was a teenager that I have as a result of multiple sexual abuse traumas. I was accepted in a special group for trauma survivors; it starts in a few hours and I can't bring myself to go. The idea of facing this stuff is paralysing. Nothing is new to me, except the fact that I'm so deeply affected again, and that the PTSD presents in ways that get in the way of daily life. If I don't deal with it now it won't ever happen. I tell each new therapist (three so far who don't think I'm that bad) and a new GP/Psychotherapist, that I feel too broken to fix. They all challenge me on it. I just cannot get past the reality that is my life.

 

[Silver]

Can you find a therapist that specialises in dissociation or DID?

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Can you find a therapist that specialises in dissociation or DID?

One of the therapists did, apparently . Here's hoping the psych can actually do more than applaud when I cry and ask me "where I'm holding the pain." Ick. My first impression of this new doc is good. He's been a psychologist/GP almost as long as I've been alive. He said that he's not sure what specific kind of therapy I need but he's versed in DID, so we'll see...

 

[BitterlyAlive]

One of the therapists did, apparently . Here's hoping the psych can actually do more than applaud when I cry and ask me "where I'm holding the pain." Ick. My first impression of this new doc is good. He's been a psychologist/GP almost as long as I've been alive. He said that he's not sure what specific kind of therapy I need but he's versed in DID, so we'll see...

I would imagine that the "where are you holding the pain" is based off of Gestalt therapy - body awareness. Being aware of your body and how things feel in the moment is supposed to help with dissociation because it grounds you.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

@BitterlyAlive Yes, and that's all she did! Lol. And, even though the answers were all the same (I'm more than Aware of where I experience emotions and it's the same place for the same emotion each time), she asked me to describe everything. And that filled up the whole sessions... Except for her saying that she didn't think I was that serious even when I mentioned the SN. I was shrieking and laughing inside when she told me I wasn't "that bad."

 

[Silver]

. He's been a psychologist/GP almost as long as I've been alive. He said that he's not sure what specific kind of therapy I need but he's versed in DID, so we'll see...

As long as he is up to date with modern developments in understanding DID, he sounds good, hopefully.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

@BitterlyAlive Yes, and that's all she did! Lol. And, even though the answers were all the same (I'm more than Aware of where I experience emotions and it's the same place for the same emotion each time), she asked me to describe everything. And that filled up the whole sessions... Except for her saying that she didn't think I was that serious even when I mentioned the SN. I was shrieking and laughing inside when she told me I wasn't "that bad."

Oh, what the hell? She wrote off an attempt to discuss your suicide method? Dang. Reminds me of my therapist who wrote off my suicide attempt. Screw that.

Body scans can be useful, but it would be nice if a therapist would recognize when the exercise is no longer helpful and move onto something else. To me, the inability to do that shows a lack of expertise.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Oh, what the hell? She wrote off an attempt to discuss your suicide method? Dang. Reminds me of my therapist who wrote off my suicide attempt. Screw that.

Body scans can be useful, but it would be nice if a therapist would recognize when the exercise is no longer helpful and move onto something else. To me, the inability to do that shows a lack of expertise.

Oh, I know! She was referred by someone who was referred by a friend. I like the idea of being as transparent as I can so I told her that I have a Plan. It's clear she's never had a client who's used SN, or wanted to. Hmmmm

Considering I don't want to do this kind of "work" anyways (I was doing fine until March without needing to go down this road) so if I have to, it's going to be in the areas I want to. At least for starters. I've tried on my own to deal with this DID-NOS cr*p since high school. This is the last time I try. This is the last doc or therapist. If this doesn't work, then I die (sooner or later) as fragmented as I am now.

 

[checkouttime]

she told me I wasn't "that bad."

see thats the problem, a human being is making a decision on what is bad or not. everyone has different opinions, what one doctor says could be totally different than another.

Nowadays you have to 'lie' in order to get your point across, half of the time. to make things sound worse than they are to get sum f'in treatment . I can see this isn't just isolated to mental health etc but alot of other conditions etc. I mean is the problem, people need to be educated more about stuff?? I'm not saying all people are the same(part of the problem) but i think some are just lazy in their approach.

Like if you lose you love for doing a job and can't be arsed....you shouldn't be doing it in my opinion. certainly not when it's to do with people's health anyway.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

@checkouttime yes, and I'm not interested in cries for help anymore. I wanted dialogue and accountability. She was up for neither I tiptoes around to check her dedication to the Duty to Report. She seems moderate so I was open with her. She was a little more than moderate haha. The past few months has made me respect the whole field of counselling/therapy in a much different light. I respect it a lot less now.

 

[checkouttime]

@checkouttime yes, and I'm not interested in cries for help anymore. I wanted dialogue and accountability. She was up for neither I tiptoes around to check her dedication to the Duty to Report. She seems moderate so I was open with her. She was a little more than moderate haha. The past few months has made me respect the whole field of counselling/therapy in a much different light. I respect it a lot less now.

Its just a mess, isn't it? I mean you ask for help and people won't. you try to CTB and they want to lock you away!! erm ,perhaps try to stop the situation developing at the source (if you can) ,in my opinion. I'm not a doctor, or expert. but i used to have to diagnose faults on boiler (i know it aint the same lol) I never just guessed at what was wrong or told someone it was something and it wasn't. IF i didn't know or want to get involved, i would say so and not get involved, pass it on to someone else. thats just my way, and i know humans aren't boilers. but hey if i look at a machine in that way, perhaps people should look at humans a hell of a lot better than even that!!!

 

[Deleted member 18655]

@checkouttime yes, and I'm not interested in cries for help anymore. I wanted dialogue and accountability. She was up for neither I tiptoes around to check her dedication to the Duty to Report. She seems moderate so I was open with her. She was a little more than moderate haha. The past few months has made me respect the whole field of counselling/therapy in a much different light. I respect it a lot less now.

Its just a mess, isn't it? I mean you ask for help and people won't. you try to CTB and they want to lock you away!! .

...but hey if i look at a machine in that way, perhaps people should look at humans a hell of a lot better than even that!!!

Machines are much easier to deal with than humans! I think that's why I switched to computer work from teaching. And this is also why I'm only going through the First Session only one more time - telling my whole story to someone new. (I told the doc about SN and he reacted like I wanted to take a bottle of Baby Aspirin, like it was a silly way to try. Good. That means he gets the first Session and if he's not going to help then at least I got a GP out of the deal. And I can take it as yet another Bus Stop sign. It's all good.

 

[checkouttime]

@checkouttime yes, and I'm not interested in cries for help anymore. I wanted dialogue and accountability. She was up for neither I tiptoes around to check her dedication to the Duty to Report. She seems moderate so I was open with her. She was a little more than moderate haha. The past few months has made me respect the whole field of counselling/therapy in a much different light. I respect it a lot less now.

Machines are much easier to deal with than humans! I think that's why I switched to computer work from teaching. And this is also why I'm only going through the First Session only one more time - telling my whole story to someone new. (I told the doc about SN and he reacted like I wanted to take a bottle of Baby Aspirin, like it was a silly way to try. Good. That means he gets the first Session and if he's not going to help then at least I got a GP out of the deal. And I can take it as yet another Bus Stop sign. It's all good.

Totally correct !! bit of a crap comparison i know. I was just saying if i put thats much thought into something like that. then perhaps people should put that effort and more into peoples well being. if that makes sense.

I was in noway saying dealing with computers etc is as easy as a human. just more about the effort i think some people put into things, like trying to help someone

I'm not saying all doctors etc are bad whatsoever. but some seem to show a lack of effort

 

[rt1989526]

Antidepressants are an evil poison

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I was in noway saying dealing with computers etc is as easy as a human. just more about the effort i think some people put into things, like trying to help someone

I'm not saying all doctors etc are bad whatsoever. but some seem to show a lack of effort

I prefer dealing with computers. People and feelings are too complicated most times. If I have a project, the fault is either with me or with the computer (which also means me as inputter) - it's just less messy. And, compared to my teaching days, no pee-pee accidents
I would never want to work in healthcare - having a passiont o save the world and make a difference when you start out and either burning out or tuning out quickly because of the systems. There's nothing ideal in the world, really.

Antidepressants are an evil poison

I.agree.without.question.

It was out of respect for the doc that I filled the prescription but I don't believe in taking them. I made it clear it's only short-term and that, if I can't function, I'm going to stop them. I'm not interested in financing big pharma, especially with the corporate politics surrounding it in this country.

So far I'm exhausted, foggy and even more depressed. Good times.

 

[checkouttime]

I think i'm better at dealing with humans than computers....I'm definitely not very techy! I get on with all sorts of people (not everyone!) and used to enjoy interaction with customers etc. but i can totally understand this isn't the same/easy for all people. were all different, i guess this what can make it so hard.

I imagine i am a hard person to understand....in fact i know i am lol