Tom9999
I've suffered enough.
- Aug 27, 2019
- 124
Now that I have everything ready I am marveling at the mental freedom I have - freedom from my past and freedom from fear of enduring more meaningless suffering.
This has restored my ability to experience joy (but of course not purpose, meaning, or fulfillment).
I can now enjoy whatever the moment has to offer because I know I can deliver myself from it if it becomes unbearable.
My only concern now is if something happens that prevents me from executing my method.
Let's say for instance that my appendix bursts. Or I am arrested and thrown in jail. Or anything happens that deprives me of my needed materials and time alone.
That's my only fear right now.
I'm not afraid of dying. And of course I'm certainly not afraid of things suddenly taking a turn for the better!
What I am afraid of is neediing to die and not being able to, and so forced to endure more foolish misery.
This is why a built-in kill switch would be so great. Like a 20 digit string of numbers you would recite. Or the cyanide in tooth spy thing. Or saying your own name 100 times in a row. Anything easily available, not preventable by others, and virtually impossible to do unintentionally.
Possessing the ability to kill myself whenever I wish is something I never thought could be so exhilarating and freeing.
Having it be always at hand and unpreventable by others would be way better, though.
This has restored my ability to experience joy (but of course not purpose, meaning, or fulfillment).
I can now enjoy whatever the moment has to offer because I know I can deliver myself from it if it becomes unbearable.
My only concern now is if something happens that prevents me from executing my method.
Let's say for instance that my appendix bursts. Or I am arrested and thrown in jail. Or anything happens that deprives me of my needed materials and time alone.
That's my only fear right now.
I'm not afraid of dying. And of course I'm certainly not afraid of things suddenly taking a turn for the better!
What I am afraid of is neediing to die and not being able to, and so forced to endure more foolish misery.
This is why a built-in kill switch would be so great. Like a 20 digit string of numbers you would recite. Or the cyanide in tooth spy thing. Or saying your own name 100 times in a row. Anything easily available, not preventable by others, and virtually impossible to do unintentionally.
Possessing the ability to kill myself whenever I wish is something I never thought could be so exhilarating and freeing.
Having it be always at hand and unpreventable by others would be way better, though.
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