Venting The ache of waiting to ctb

[SterileMoth]

Some days I am okay with the slow pace I must take in order to ctb, I can enjoy the few foods I still like, I can cuddle my cat and see my friends. It hurts more to think of leaving my cat, because she is very attached and will cry if I leave the house, or if she can't find me. Not sure she'll understand that I'm gone. She might wander around and cry for days after. While I wait to figure everything out, find the right time when I'll be isolated, and try to gather what supplies I need, I can still enjoy the small things though. Those days are nice. My intentions are still clear, and a haze has been lifted. There are things that can enjoyable when I'm not fighting my own thoughts. I want to ctb, and that's okay. No need to fight the inevitable anymore.

Other days as soon as I wake up it's like getting hit with a bag of rocks. I want to leave. I want to ctb now. I don't want to wait. It hurts, being alive hurts, everything in me just wants to stop. I wish I could turn myself off, sleep is as close as I can get but my body doesn't want to turn off. I wish I could do something now, but if I do it now it will be half-assed and most likely unsuccessful. These days suck the most. Everything feels exhausting. I wish there were easier methods to procure, I wish the body wouldn't fight as hard as it does. In the wild animals can have a forced miscarriage if they are unhealthy or unfit to carry their young. I wish we had a similar mechanism but in regards to our own life. If we can't or don't want to keep going, we have every right to shut off.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I understand how you feel, mate. While I can't enjoy things, I do understand that on the "better" days the urge to kill myself is just seeing it as something that is inevitable. It still hurts but it's just the chronic ache that I've carried for a long, long time. Then there's the bad days. I would dub them "Danger Days" but that sounds cringy as fuck lmao. Holy hell, it's so painful. Every single second is excruciating. If I'm lucky, I end up dissociating and can at least find myself existing in a numbed out state for a while. It hurts so bad that I have a very, very strong urge to mutilate myself. I can generally bring myself to do things like drive and hang out with a friend if I absolutely have to, but other than that, I'm confined to the couch or the floor. I just lay there in agony. I want to cry, but crying brings no relief anyway... I just feel so desperate to die. Fuck.

I agree with you - we absolutely have the right to end our lives. It doesn't mean we have to, but we shouldn't be made to feel like freaks or weak because we want to die. People should have the right to choose to die. I don't think this is something that pro-lifers or people who spit out those disgusting platitudes can understand...but what do I know? Maybe they've felt this way but managed to become happy.

 

[EGR92]

I dont have better days, every day is a desperate day to ctb. It physically hurts and i am in pain from living and the urge of ctb. I've made so many impulsive attempts in the past and none have worked so i am trying to be patient and stick to the plan so this attempt works and i can finally be out of pain.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I get this. Most of the time I'm passive about the whole thing but sometimes I want to claw my way out of my own skin.