1: Fear of the process of dying.
2 : Unable to let go of dreams.
1 - I'll be using sodium nitrite as my suicide method. Though I am familiar with the nausea caused by excessive salts, I'm still scared that it may be worse than what I'm expecting. I have always been super weak towards pain and discomfort, so it's no surprise here.
There are two ways to go about this. I could, A: intentionally and repeatedly cause nausea so that I grow used to the feeling and am no longer fazed by it; or B: think of way worse ways of dying, like being burned alive or being stabbed to death (this makes nausea & vomiting look like kid's play).
This is the easiest to overcome.
2 - There are innumerous things I didn't do that I wish I had; things that are forever lost and I'll never be able to have. The pain originated from this is the main cause of my suicidal urges. Because I cling to them so much, and because of this annoying little thing called "hope", I am unable to give up completely and just let go of everything.
I find it unacceptable that I came here just to feel pain. There's got to be something more other than this.
But how do I let go of things that are innate to me? People spend entire lifetimes trying to let go of their "earthly desires" and still fail. Sometimes it feels like it's just as hard to let go as it is to achieve them.
I think this is the biggest challenge. Allowing myself to die without having lived at all and being "okay" with it.
If I ever I figure this out maybe I'll be able to do it.
2 : Unable to let go of dreams.
1 - I'll be using sodium nitrite as my suicide method. Though I am familiar with the nausea caused by excessive salts, I'm still scared that it may be worse than what I'm expecting. I have always been super weak towards pain and discomfort, so it's no surprise here.
There are two ways to go about this. I could, A: intentionally and repeatedly cause nausea so that I grow used to the feeling and am no longer fazed by it; or B: think of way worse ways of dying, like being burned alive or being stabbed to death (this makes nausea & vomiting look like kid's play).
This is the easiest to overcome.
2 - There are innumerous things I didn't do that I wish I had; things that are forever lost and I'll never be able to have. The pain originated from this is the main cause of my suicidal urges. Because I cling to them so much, and because of this annoying little thing called "hope", I am unable to give up completely and just let go of everything.
I find it unacceptable that I came here just to feel pain. There's got to be something more other than this.
But how do I let go of things that are innate to me? People spend entire lifetimes trying to let go of their "earthly desires" and still fail. Sometimes it feels like it's just as hard to let go as it is to achieve them.
I think this is the biggest challenge. Allowing myself to die without having lived at all and being "okay" with it.
If I ever I figure this out maybe I'll be able to do it.
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