I welcome death with open arms
Her soft breath and simple charm
Wandering through memories
Takes my hand for me to see
Tried so hard (2x)
Echoes of innocence
All my thoughts into decent
Tried so hard (4x)
When we finally reach the end
She lets go of my hand
Waking into realms of light
There will be no death tonight
Tried so hard (14x)
This song reminds me of one of my failed suicide attempts. Where you slowly fade until death takes you away, go on a short trip, and wake into the realms of light again. Feeling more lonely and empty than ever before. You'll never forget the feeling when you realize you've failed and the harsh reality comes crashing down on you; You're still alive and it hurts more than ever. Even almost a decade later, this feeling continues to haunt me like it only happened yesterday. I'm more afraid of failing suicide than dying.
The more I sink away in depression and suicidal ideation, the more I think about that empty feeling. The feeling I got when I woke up in my bedroom, sunlight behind the curtains, looked at the palm of my hand and wondered: "Am I dead? Or alive?" Pain slowly flaring up in my sore body made me realize: I've failed. That feeling that came over me was not one of anger, sadness, pain or despair. It's the feeling of ultimate failure, defeat and emptiness. Death on the inside, if you will. You really wouldn't know what I mean unless you've experienced it yourself.
Many people who attempt suicide say that they end up regretting it. But I'm different, I just regret failing them. There's nothing quite as painful and traumatizing as a failed attempt, and I regret being a failure. I've lost a couple people in my life, most of them to suicide, but it's nowhere near as painful to lose someone as it is to see them suffer. I miss them, but I'm glad they found peace. I feel sad for being a failure.
I think about death all the time, even when I'm not depressed. Not just suicide either, all kinds of death. Getting stabbed, illness, having an accident are just some examples. It's become a habit of mine, telling myself my pain could just disappear in an instant and that I could escape any sort of situation just by kicking the bucket. Like I could be having an excellent evening out with my best friends, and suddenly I think about how badly they'd mourn if I died.
I never blame anyone else for my troubles or ask for pity. I've brought all of this upon myself and pity is only for the unfortunate. I should really just end this shitty life that's never going anywhere, but I'm too scared of failure. Instead I just drown my sorrows in alcohol and I'm developing a benzo habit. I kinda hope that someday my intoxicated ass will OD but chances of survival are rather high unfortunately. Maybe someday I'll be able to get my hands on some proper sedatives like barbs or fentanyl, until then I'm stuck in limbo.
I guess there's no point in asking how to overcome the fear of failure, since everyone who did is probably resting in peace. If I could ask anything, my question would be: Do you know this feeling of emptiness and how do you deal with it?
Her soft breath and simple charm
Wandering through memories
Takes my hand for me to see
Tried so hard (2x)
Echoes of innocence
All my thoughts into decent
Tried so hard (4x)
When we finally reach the end
She lets go of my hand
Waking into realms of light
There will be no death tonight
Tried so hard (14x)
This song reminds me of one of my failed suicide attempts. Where you slowly fade until death takes you away, go on a short trip, and wake into the realms of light again. Feeling more lonely and empty than ever before. You'll never forget the feeling when you realize you've failed and the harsh reality comes crashing down on you; You're still alive and it hurts more than ever. Even almost a decade later, this feeling continues to haunt me like it only happened yesterday. I'm more afraid of failing suicide than dying.
The more I sink away in depression and suicidal ideation, the more I think about that empty feeling. The feeling I got when I woke up in my bedroom, sunlight behind the curtains, looked at the palm of my hand and wondered: "Am I dead? Or alive?" Pain slowly flaring up in my sore body made me realize: I've failed. That feeling that came over me was not one of anger, sadness, pain or despair. It's the feeling of ultimate failure, defeat and emptiness. Death on the inside, if you will. You really wouldn't know what I mean unless you've experienced it yourself.
Many people who attempt suicide say that they end up regretting it. But I'm different, I just regret failing them. There's nothing quite as painful and traumatizing as a failed attempt, and I regret being a failure. I've lost a couple people in my life, most of them to suicide, but it's nowhere near as painful to lose someone as it is to see them suffer. I miss them, but I'm glad they found peace. I feel sad for being a failure.
I think about death all the time, even when I'm not depressed. Not just suicide either, all kinds of death. Getting stabbed, illness, having an accident are just some examples. It's become a habit of mine, telling myself my pain could just disappear in an instant and that I could escape any sort of situation just by kicking the bucket. Like I could be having an excellent evening out with my best friends, and suddenly I think about how badly they'd mourn if I died.
I never blame anyone else for my troubles or ask for pity. I've brought all of this upon myself and pity is only for the unfortunate. I should really just end this shitty life that's never going anywhere, but I'm too scared of failure. Instead I just drown my sorrows in alcohol and I'm developing a benzo habit. I kinda hope that someday my intoxicated ass will OD but chances of survival are rather high unfortunately. Maybe someday I'll be able to get my hands on some proper sedatives like barbs or fentanyl, until then I'm stuck in limbo.
I guess there's no point in asking how to overcome the fear of failure, since everyone who did is probably resting in peace. If I could ask anything, my question would be: Do you know this feeling of emptiness and how do you deal with it?
