Thank you

[itsallover]

I saw my doctor today and we're going to try surgery. Attempting suicide was eye opening for me. It made me realize we only have one life and that's it. There were no white lights and angels while I was in the coma. Thank you to everyone here who listened to my misery. At least now I have some hope. If the surgery fails then I'm screwed. I am gonna give life one more try. Hopefully I regain at least a good amount of my health so I'm functional again. I actually live comfortably and had a good future lined up before getting sick. I was always an eternal optimist but lost all my hope after seeing all these doctors and not getting anywhere. The truth is it does get better but if you have something constantly bringing you down whether physical or mental. With psych issues though you have to be careful because these quacks will load you up with crazy shit and give you the worst diagnosises. Nowadays every kid has adhd and every adult has bipolar disorder. I'm sorry but kids have a lot of energy and adults deal with a whole lot of shit and just break down. There is no need to overmedicate the shit out of all of us. I hate psychiatry with every ounce of my life in me. I would love the chance to fill a shrink up full of needles filled with meds and then stick them in a straight jacket for days. It was done to me after I was deemed a threat and then taken to psych court where they wanted to give me two years in a state hospital all while I was still out of it from all the drugs. Thankfully I only did a couple of months in a hospital full of really deranged people. My outlook on life has really changed since getting sick. I used to be giving and caring almost to a fault where I saw the good in people. Most people are honestly shit as they just want to use you. Once I got sick everyone disappeared. I honestly wanna get better and bad as this sounds treat the majority of people like the garbage they are. If I could do things over I wouldn't give a fuck except anyone but myself. My advice to those struggling mentally is to go somewhere where people are disabled and terminal. I'm sure most of you will thank God you can work and cut out all the negative shit from your life. That and forget fear as you can be gone tomorrow in a freak accident. Fear led me to a debilitating condition for almost three years. I think it's best to take chances and live all you can while you can and forget about playing it safe.

 

[Dead_Inside]

I wish you luck in the surgery. I always hope people can find a good life away from here and outside of suicide. Don't know that it's for me- but I have my own shit to wade through.
I will completely agree with you about people ditching out on you when you get sick- be that mentally or physically.... at least now if someone ever decides to make friends with me again they will be making friends with ME not something they can have fun with until it gets serious. .... but I have a hard time forgiving that backstabbing, fair weather friend shit.... that shit hurt.

 

[itsallover]

I wish you luck in the surgery. I always hope people can find a good life away from here and outside of suicide. Don't know that it's for me- but I have my own shit to wade through.
I will completely agree with you about people ditching out on you when you get sick- be that mentally or physically.... at least now if someone ever decides to make friends with me again they will be making friends with ME not something they can have fun with until it gets serious. .... but I have a hard time forgiving that backstabbing, fair weather friend shit.... that shit hurt.

Thank you for your encouragement. I really appreciate it. I hope you can make your way through all your troubles too. Even family can be toxic. I have cut a lot of those assholes out. My psychiatrist asked me if I'm still suicidal and my answer to him was it takes a lot of guts to tie a rope around your neck and hang yourself. I think most people overdose because it isn't as scarry. Honestly though if I was homeless on top of sick then fuck it all.

 

[Dead_Inside]

Yes. Family can be one of the most toxic/destructive relationships you are in- because it is so much more obligatory.... it's not some person you started dating- no they have deeper ties and can bring up shit you can't repay (how do I pay you back for use of your body while I was a fetus??)... but I think It could probably also be the most amazing relationship too (how much love must a person have for you who carried you and created you?). I haven't found my way out of that sad relationship. I keep hoping.... maybe. Maybe there could be something. It's hard for me to think the person who made me doesn't want me.
I am not sure at this point if I will ever be fully able to let go of my suicidal behavior. It's my fault. As you said, it takes a lot of courage to do an attempt and I feel that might have done some permanent alterations to my mind- not like brain damage. But rather pathways of behavior. I have only attempted ODs- I wanted a semi painless method and I wanted to keep my body "ok" to find - ridiculous I know. But even in planning and going through with both ODs it required a lot of getting my shit together. You don't swallow hundreds of pills without being fairly determined to die.
I agree if for some reason I become homeless- then I will finally get over my cowardice and step in front of the damn train. I have some limits in this life.