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Circles
There's a difference between existing and living.
- Sep 3, 2018
- 2,294
I'm going through another horrible phase in my life. I've been fighting the suicidal thoughts for years now and I keep trying despite falling into the abyss so many times. Things are just getting worse senselessly as usual and I'm lost. I'm not going to get into it. You know I feel embarrassed, shame and even guilt that I am still here especially coming back to this site like a perpetual cycle. I'm hesitant to ever post anything anymore because I've become so jaded with life, lazy and embarrassed. In my darkest moments somehow this site just gives me an indescribable sense of hope. Like yea I want to kill myself constantly, but at the same this place gives me the courage to look at death and say not today. My ideas of death have evolved over the years, this site has opened my eyes to the realities of suicide especially. I'm not going to lie y'all I'm scared my time with death is coming and I'm still scared and if anyone says they aren't then they're lying in my opinion. But I hate how that makes me a hypocrite in a way. This is what happens to people who wait.
Emil Cioran wrote that. The longer I'm alive and suicidal the more I find even suicide to be pointless in a way. Like the mental damage and numbness just makes you so jaded to even care anymore. Suicide may end the pain but it can't change or explain away the senseless irreversible damage done to you. I don't know what's going to happen, but as things get worse I feel like I'll lose my final battle with suicide one way or another.
I appreciate this site the longer I'm alive and I want to give my sheer appreciation for the strength, guidance and acceptance that this site has given me along the way. Thank You SS for being a part of my journey. Thank You for teaching me self acceptance by forgiving yourself however one can. I wish everyone peace and compassion for yourselves in your darkest moments and that no matter what your troubles your pain shouldn't define you.
It is not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late.
Emil Cioran wrote that. The longer I'm alive and suicidal the more I find even suicide to be pointless in a way. Like the mental damage and numbness just makes you so jaded to even care anymore. Suicide may end the pain but it can't change or explain away the senseless irreversible damage done to you. I don't know what's going to happen, but as things get worse I feel like I'll lose my final battle with suicide one way or another.
I appreciate this site the longer I'm alive and I want to give my sheer appreciation for the strength, guidance and acceptance that this site has given me along the way. Thank You SS for being a part of my journey. Thank You for teaching me self acceptance by forgiving yourself however one can. I wish everyone peace and compassion for yourselves in your darkest moments and that no matter what your troubles your pain shouldn't define you.
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