Thank you I have waited so long, tried to find help but to no avail... and It is time

[wanderlost]

When I came accross this place I cried, finally somewhere I can talk and not be told its a sin and how selfish and cowardly I am to want to die.
their words did not make me want to do it less it just added more guilt and shame to a plateful I have already.
I am mid forties not well mentally or physically I have PTSD, severe depression and personality disorders,and I need 2 walking sticks to get around and suffered 4 falls this month breaking 5 toes ... I am on many medicines so always thought the way I want to go is not available to be with pills and a VERY long nap.
I am on highish doses of tramadol and venlafaxine and abilify and I know even a full months precription I would wake up from, I am tall and a bigger person needs a bigger solution, that was when I heard of fentanyl, I looked on the dw and 2 different people tried to get money from me they were both in the Cameroon and for some reason the payments would not go through ...thankfully now knowing they were 99% probably a scam.
If anyone could offer me some help in DM re finding the real thing I would be eternally grateful, oh I am also I am in the UK.
A little about me? well I had a childhood filled with sexual abuse from family members and my mothers clients , she was a prostitute and if she fell short or asleep drunk , i would pay the price.
it started at 4 yrs old and I got away at 17, lived on the streets for a couple of years just me and my late dog and compared to home life it was easier physically and mentally.
I was given one of my diagnosis in 2007 when my other half passed away, in afghanistan and 18 months later our daughter was diagnosed with terminal medulloepithelioma or frontal lobe brain cancer, she was six and a half years old and went through 18 months of chemo and radio therapy which made her bloated, unhappy her long blonde hair all falling out was heartbreaking ...she passed away just after turning 8 and I then went into a auto pilot mode , do what I have to to please others then i can curl up on the floor with my daughters favourite toy and my other halfs shirt from the laundry basket and fall asleep in the wardrobe surrounded by their things.
I now live in one room almost a decade and I am agoraphobic, will not open curtains, eat properly or care wth I look like I just muddle through that day or hour even....some days it is all you can do to getfrom hour to hour and others a little longer.
If I can find or have help finding some fen or carfen then I would smile probably the first genuine smile in a lot of years knowing I was on my way to my family.
Life dealt me crappy cards but I do not forget the years of love it gave me having them while I did.
Please forgive my long rant I feel I need to justify properly why I want to do this or maybe that is just how doctor after doctor has made me feel. I would not let a dog have the physical and mental health I have, we give them mercy. Why can we not have that too?

Please feel free to contact me regarding the method I am looking for and where I can find it without losing what little I have saved to some shyster in Africa.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post

 

[randomz]

I am so sorry to hear what life put you through. I admire your strength to go on despite everything you have endured. Seriously, I am speechless..... I hope life gives you some unexpected happiness soon.

 

[wanderlost]

Tha

I am so sorry to hear what life put you through. I admire your strength to go on despite everything you have endured. Seriously, I am speechless..... I hope life gives you some unexpected happiness soon.

Thank you :) you are very kind <3
I have had my quota of happiness and feel extremely lucky to have had that as I know not everybody does and now it is my tme and I would like it to be controlled by me as much as possible and not upset others by walking out into the road or jumping off anything. I would like if possible to nod off and wake up to them and if there is nothing I will not know so either way.

 

[No capacity]

You have been through an incredible amount. I applaud you for lasting this long. I'm 34 and sleep with a cuddly lion merely because it reminds me of my dog that ex my partner took away because I am not "mentally" fit to be a parent to dog (even though I managed just fine prior to meeting him thanks), I didn't lose a child but I had a miscarriage and my ex told me it was "the most miraculous" day of his life. I've come to hate people and I haven't even been through NEARLY as hard a life as you have. I just lack the capacity to get over things, don't sleep, have constant panic attacks and just have no will whatsoever to live anymore. I have tried so hard to "stay afloat" for two years now, doctors, therapy and I still feel overwhelming sadness all day and sleep with a cuddly toy to cry to. I feel pathetic and am so grateful for finding this site because it shows me so much, that other people struggle and suffer too and that there people who "get it". Its not selfish, its selfish to be forced to live the way we do, especially you. Bless your heart for everything you have been through. I am also in the UK so if you ever fancy open those curtains - I will cross the country just to have tea with you.
If we never meet I honestly and truly hope you find the peace you wholeheartedly deserve!

 

[Defenestrator]

Welcome to the forums. I'm so sorry life has been incredibly shit to you by the sounds of it.
Sending you love, and I honestly hope you find comfort and peace here.

 

[Halo13]

When I came accross this place I cried, finally somewhere I can talk and not be told its a sin and how selfish and cowardly I am to want to die.
their words did not make me want to do it less it just added more guilt and shame to a plateful I have already.
I am mid forties not well mentally or physically I have PTSD, severe depression and personality disorders,and I need 2 walking sticks to get around and suffered 4 falls this month breaking 5 toes ... I am on many medicines so always thought the way I want to go is not available to be with pills and a VERY long nap.
I am on highish doses of tramadol and venlafaxine and abilify and I know even a full months precription I would wake up from, I am tall and a bigger person needs a bigger solution, that was when I heard of fentanyl, I looked on the dw and 2 different people tried to get money from me they were both in the Cameroon and for some reason the payments would not go through ...thankfully now knowing they were 99% probably a scam.
If anyone could offer me some help in DM re finding the real thing I would be eternally grateful, oh I am also I am in the UK.
A little about me? well I had a childhood filled with sexual abuse from family members and my mothers clients , she was a prostitute and if she fell short or asleep drunk , i would pay the price.
it started at 4 yrs old and I got away at 17, lived on the streets for a couple of years just me and my late dog and compared to home life it was easier physically and mentally.
I was given one of my diagnosis in 2007 when my other half passed away, in afghanistan and 18 months later our daughter was diagnosed with terminal medulloepithelioma or frontal lobe brain cancer, she was six and a half years old and went through 18 months of chemo and radio therapy which made her bloated, unhappy her long blonde hair all falling out was heartbreaking ...she passed away just after turning 8 and I then went into a auto pilot mode , do what I have to to please others then i can curl up on the floor with my daughters favourite toy and my other halfs shirt from the laundry basket and fall asleep in the wardrobe surrounded by their things.
I now live in one room almost a decade and I am agoraphobic, will not open curtains, eat properly or care wth I look like I just muddle through that day or hour even....some days it is all you can do to getfrom hour to hour and others a little longer.
If I can find or have help finding some fen or carfen then I would smile probably the first genuine smile in a lot of years knowing I was on my way to my family.
Life dealt me crappy cards but I do not forget the years of love it gave me having them while I did.
Please forgive my long rant I feel I need to justify properly why I want to do this or maybe that is just how doctor after doctor has made me feel. I would not let a dog have the physical and mental health I have, we give them mercy. Why can we not have that too?

Please feel free to contact me regarding the method I am looking for and where I can find it without losing what little I have saved to some shyster in Africa.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post

I'm sorry life has been so unkind towards you. I'm glad you found this forum. No need to apologize for your post length, doctors can be awful to deal with (and I've been going through it myself for years also). Can't offer much in the way of advice on the dw but I can offer a hug Gently of course, from one pain patient to another

 

[wanderlost]

Thank you you are very kind I was a bit scared as what to write ....first post, do not wanna get banned or say the wrong thing I was a bag of nerves but in terms of what we go through I recognise somebody elses pain right up there because what may not bother one person may cripple another. Everyones pain, grief and hurt is relevant and I am ready to go if I can access the means but I am very sorry for your loss and how you were treated over it, I completely understand why you pick a dog over humans I would too xoxo
Gosh you are all so sweet thank you so much I do not know what to say I will have to learn and practice my "how to react when someone is nice to you" it has been so long you forget.... I woke myself up recently with a heck of a jump when i heard a voice talking and it was mine lol idk what I was waffling about in my dream but was shocked to hear a human voice near me

 

[No capacity]

Thank you you are very kind I was a bit scared as what to write ....first post, do not wanna get banned or say the wrong thing I was a bag of nerves but in terms of what we go through I recognise somebody elses pain right up there because what may not bother one person may cripple another. Everyones pain, grief and hurt is relevant and I am ready to go if I can access the means but I am very sorry for your loss and how you were treated over it, I completely understand why you pick a dog over humans I would too xoxo
Gosh you are all so sweet thank you so much I do not know what to say I will have to learn and practice my "how to react when someone is nice to you" it has been so long you forget.... I woke myself up recently with a heck of a jump when i heard a voice talking and it was mine lol idk what I was waffling about in my dream but was shocked to hear a human voice near me

Oh darling... waking up having a panic attack or any auditory or visual hallucinations are just THE worst, heart thumping out your chest, wishing you had never ever woken up and finding the will with the exhaustion to face another day. It takes an incredible amount of strength and don't be nervous here, write anything (within the rules). We are all supportive and we all understand and no you don't have to practice being nice to people, I seldom come across any good ones, and the ones I've seen in recent days have been on this very site!

 

[No hope]

Your post has made me cry so much, this world is too cruel and unfortunately people are stuck in it! I don't know why I'm still here I've tried to end my life several times and it's left me in more of a mess! No one would care if I'm not here and I don't want to wake up for one more day of pain and fighting in my head x hugs to u

 

[nbn]

When I came accross this place I cried, finally somewhere I can talk and not be told its a sin and how selfish and cowardly I am to want to die.
their words did not make me want to do it less it just added more guilt and shame to a plateful I have already.
I am mid forties not well mentally or physically I have PTSD, severe depression and personality disorders,and I need 2 walking sticks to get around and suffered 4 falls this month breaking 5 toes ... I am on many medicines so always thought the way I want to go is not available to be with pills and a VERY long nap.
I am on highish doses of tramadol and venlafaxine and abilify and I know even a full months precription I would wake up from, I am tall and a bigger person needs a bigger solution, that was when I heard of fentanyl, I looked on the dw and 2 different people tried to get money from me they were both in the Cameroon and for some reason the payments would not go through ...thankfully now knowing they were 99% probably a scam.
If anyone could offer me some help in DM re finding the real thing I would be eternally grateful, oh I am also I am in the UK.
A little about me? well I had a childhood filled with sexual abuse from family members and my mothers clients , she was a prostitute and if she fell short or asleep drunk , i would pay the price.
it started at 4 yrs old and I got away at 17, lived on the streets for a couple of years just me and my late dog and compared to home life it was easier physically and mentally.
I was given one of my diagnosis in 2007 when my other half passed away, in afghanistan and 18 months later our daughter was diagnosed with terminal medulloepithelioma or frontal lobe brain cancer, she was six and a half years old and went through 18 months of chemo and radio therapy which made her bloated, unhappy her long blonde hair all falling out was heartbreaking ...she passed away just after turning 8 and I then went into a auto pilot mode , do what I have to to please others then i can curl up on the floor with my daughters favourite toy and my other halfs shirt from the laundry basket and fall asleep in the wardrobe surrounded by their things.
I now live in one room almost a decade and I am agoraphobic, will not open curtains, eat properly or care wth I look like I just muddle through that day or hour even....some days it is all you can do to getfrom hour to hour and others a little longer.
If I can find or have help finding some fen or carfen then I would smile probably the first genuine smile in a lot of years knowing I was on my way to my family.
Life dealt me crappy cards but I do not forget the years of love it gave me having them while I did.
Please forgive my long rant I feel I need to justify properly why I want to do this or maybe that is just how doctor after doctor has made me feel. I would not let a dog have the physical and mental health I have, we give them mercy. Why can we not have that too?

Please feel free to contact me regarding the method I am looking for and where I can find it without losing what little I have saved to some shyster in Africa.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post

This post made me cry

 

[Escape_Reality]

When I came accross this place I cried, finally somewhere I can talk and not be told its a sin and how selfish and cowardly I am to want to die.
their words did not make me want to do it less it just added more guilt and shame to a plateful I have already.
I am mid forties not well mentally or physically I have PTSD, severe depression and personality disorders,and I need 2 walking sticks to get around and suffered 4 falls this month breaking 5 toes ... I am on many medicines so always thought the way I want to go is not available to be with pills and a VERY long nap.
I am on highish doses of tramadol and venlafaxine and abilify and I know even a full months precription I would wake up from, I am tall and a bigger person needs a bigger solution, that was when I heard of fentanyl, I looked on the dw and 2 different people tried to get money from me they were both in the Cameroon and for some reason the payments would not go through ...thankfully now knowing they were 99% probably a scam.
If anyone could offer me some help in DM re finding the real thing I would be eternally grateful, oh I am also I am in the UK.
A little about me? well I had a childhood filled with sexual abuse from family members and my mothers clients , she was a prostitute and if she fell short or asleep drunk , i would pay the price.
it started at 4 yrs old and I got away at 17, lived on the streets for a couple of years just me and my late dog and compared to home life it was easier physically and mentally.
I was given one of my diagnosis in 2007 when my other half passed away, in afghanistan and 18 months later our daughter was diagnosed with terminal medulloepithelioma or frontal lobe brain cancer, she was six and a half years old and went through 18 months of chemo and radio therapy which made her bloated, unhappy her long blonde hair all falling out was heartbreaking ...she passed away just after turning 8 and I then went into a auto pilot mode , do what I have to to please others then i can curl up on the floor with my daughters favourite toy and my other halfs shirt from the laundry basket and fall asleep in the wardrobe surrounded by their things.
I now live in one room almost a decade and I am agoraphobic, will not open curtains, eat properly or care wth I look like I just muddle through that day or hour even....some days it is all you can do to getfrom hour to hour and others a little longer.
If I can find or have help finding some fen or carfen then I would smile probably the first genuine smile in a lot of years knowing I was on my way to my family.
Life dealt me crappy cards but I do not forget the years of love it gave me having them while I did.
Please forgive my long rant I feel I need to justify properly why I want to do this or maybe that is just how doctor after doctor has made me feel. I would not let a dog have the physical and mental health I have, we give them mercy. Why can we not have that too?

Please feel free to contact me regarding the method I am looking for and where I can find it without losing what little I have saved to some shyster in Africa.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post

This brought a tears to my eyes, how much can one person take...I am so sorry

 

[ClonesAnnoyMe]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have no words. You're a very strong person

 

[Lostandfound7]

Wow..u have been thru every type of pain imaginable, n ur still here..Ur strength is admirable as I have only been thru a fraction of what u have, n I'm ready to check out..I wish I could say or do something to take ALL of ur pain away..All I can do is offer u a listening ear n love on u from a distance...I'm so sorry that life has been so cruel to u..so sorry.. Sending u love
Continue to vent. We r here for u.

You have been through an incredible amount. I applaud you for lasting this long. I'm 34 and sleep with a cuddly lion merely because it reminds me of my dog that ex my partner took away because I am not "mentally" fit to be a parent to dog (even though I managed just fine prior to meeting him thanks), I didn't lose a child but I had a miscarriage and my ex told me it was "the most miraculous" day of his life. I've come to hate people and I haven't even been through NEARLY as hard a life as you have. I just lack the capacity to get over things, don't sleep, have constant panic attacks and just have no will whatsoever to live anymore. I have tried so hard to "stay afloat" for two years now, doctors, therapy and I still feel overwhelming sadness all day and sleep with a cuddly toy to cry to. I feel pathetic and am so grateful for finding this site because it shows me so much, that other people struggle and suffer too and that there people who "get it". Its not selfish, its selfish to be forced to live the way we do, especially you. Bless your heart for everything you have been through. I am also in the UK so if you ever fancy open those curtains - I will cross the country just to have tea with you.
If we never meet I honestly and truly hope you find the peace you wholeheartedly deserve!

Hello love. I too have suffered a miscarriage n know of the pain, unworthiness, insecurity, etc that comes along with that, n to hear of ur ex calling it the "most miraculous day of his life" makes me so sick n angry. If I knew him I would spit in his face..Honey, any man that would say something like that, should only b an EX. Sorry he took ur precious dog too. I too have a dog who i love so much n would b devastated if my husband left n took her..hearing these experiences makes me so angry! N the person who is suffering ends up taking their life n the bastard/bitch lives forever..I almost wanna say DONT take ur life, but stick around, get help, n live= the best revenge..He doesnt deserve to live in a world where u ctb n he lives n moves on!!.. I'm so sorry. I'm here n available to talk anytime.

 

[wanderlost]

P.S.:: DO NOT buy ANY fen from anyone in Cameroon, I lost £ 200.00 English pounds and have nothing for it but a feeling of stupidity and desperation.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Yours is a very sad story. What an awful situation. It's a testament to your courage that you've gotten this far. No one should have to endure this kind of shit. It's wrong that the reward you get for staying strong is just more to deal with. I'm so sorry that you have had to go through all this.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about all the ordeals that life has given you. I'm glad that you found this place and are able to find like-minded individuals in this community and may this place be helpful and supportive towards your decisions, whether it is to continue living or finding peace in CTB. Whatever decision you come to, I wish you the best and peace.

 

[jgm63]

I'll PM you a few links you could use as a starting point for looking some things up....

 

[Otter]

I'll PM you a few links you could use as a starting point for looking some things up....

Lordy, lordy, PM me, too!

 

[Iloveyouall]

When I came accross this place I cried, finally somewhere I can talk and not be told its a sin and how selfish and cowardly I am to want to die.
their words did not make me want to do it less it just added more guilt and shame to a plateful I have already.
I am mid forties not well mentally or physically I have PTSD, severe depression and personality disorders,and I need 2 walking sticks to get around and suffered 4 falls this month breaking 5 toes ... I am on many medicines so always thought the way I want to go is not available to be with pills and a VERY long nap.
I am on highish doses of tramadol and venlafaxine and abilify and I know even a full months precription I would wake up from, I am tall and a bigger person needs a bigger solution, that was when I heard of fentanyl, I looked on the dw and 2 different people tried to get money from me they were both in the Cameroon and for some reason the payments would not go through ...thankfully now knowing they were 99% probably a scam.
If anyone could offer me some help in DM re finding the real thing I would be eternally grateful, oh I am also I am in the UK.
A little about me? well I had a childhood filled with sexual abuse from family members and my mothers clients , she was a prostitute and if she fell short or asleep drunk , i would pay the price.
it started at 4 yrs old and I got away at 17, lived on the streets for a couple of years just me and my late dog and compared to home life it was easier physically and mentally.
I was given one of my diagnosis in 2007 when my other half passed away, in afghanistan and 18 months later our daughter was diagnosed with terminal medulloepithelioma or frontal lobe brain cancer, she was six and a half years old and went through 18 months of chemo and radio therapy which made her bloated, unhappy her long blonde hair all falling out was heartbreaking ...she passed away just after turning 8 and I then went into a auto pilot mode , do what I have to to please others then i can curl up on the floor with my daughters favourite toy and my other halfs shirt from the laundry basket and fall asleep in the wardrobe surrounded by their things.
I now live in one room almost a decade and I am agoraphobic, will not open curtains, eat properly or care wth I look like I just muddle through that day or hour even....some days it is all you can do to getfrom hour to hour and others a little longer.
If I can find or have help finding some fen or carfen then I would smile probably the first genuine smile in a lot of years knowing I was on my way to my family.
Life dealt me crappy cards but I do not forget the years of love it gave me having them while I did.
Please forgive my long rant I feel I need to justify properly why I want to do this or maybe that is just how doctor after doctor has made me feel. I would not let a dog have the physical and mental health I have, we give them mercy. Why can we not have that too?

Please feel free to contact me regarding the method I am looking for and where I can find it without losing what little I have saved to some shyster in Africa.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post

Wow... I just don't know what to say. You are so brave, so kind. You've been through so much abyssal darkness yet you still shine like the brightest star.

 

[Lilmeowssi]

This truly breaks my heart.. I'm so sorry for what you had to go through.
I wish you all the best and much much love! x

 

[AlreadyGone]

I hope for the best with whatever decision you choose to make.