I speak to them every day on bad days. I had two weeks off depression (again) on Sarcosine and Fisher Wallace, then it started coming back on Weds. This morning was really bad again - and then now it's 11.30am ish, it is a bit better. I like so much that the Samaritans are there to listen. They asked me what I'd miss, and I said I'd really miss my boyfriend. I can't protect him from being hurt if I CTB or from blaming himself, and I can't stop my family grieving, and it doesn't matter what I say to prepare them, nothing will change that. But how many more relapses can I go through and how many more days of being suicidal and bedridden. I said to the Samaritans, I wish euthanasia was accepted, legal and a choice we could make. I wish I could make a strong public statement about that - like the assisted dying campaigners who self-immolate. I don't have the guts to do that.
I have wanted to die every day for now over twenty years, and it is simply getting worse all the time.
I said to the Samaritans I probably have just a couple more medications to test, and just a few months more of this left in me. Then I am done. I said this to my friend this morning and she ignored it.
I am missing my boyfriend, but I don't want to hurt him either. He has supported me through so much of this the last year, and another relapse. I don't want to put him or anyone else through this.
Anyway, this is maybe the third or fourth time I have felt better for two weeks, then have relapsed. I just went back to work, as it was my last chance. I know what I need to do today - I am going to order Phenibut and any other Russian pharma that might help. Then tomorrow I need to assess myself and maybe book an appointment with a very expensive psychiatrist - as I don't trust most of them - and this one gives choices about what medication you want to try next. I actually got to speak to him on the phone before meeting him, which is so unusual. I don't have much hope of anything helping. The Phenibut does help though, I just don't know how often I can use it. And tomorrow I can take a little Tramadol, but that has only worked for me once, and not a second day. Valium doesn't work for me. So I don't have anything that works for me.
I don't know which forum to post this in - recovery or suicide, because I am just going to fight this a little bit longer. But I also really want this over. I have everything I need to make it end.
I have wanted to die every day for now over twenty years, and it is simply getting worse all the time.
I said to the Samaritans I probably have just a couple more medications to test, and just a few months more of this left in me. Then I am done. I said this to my friend this morning and she ignored it.
I am missing my boyfriend, but I don't want to hurt him either. He has supported me through so much of this the last year, and another relapse. I don't want to put him or anyone else through this.
Anyway, this is maybe the third or fourth time I have felt better for two weeks, then have relapsed. I just went back to work, as it was my last chance. I know what I need to do today - I am going to order Phenibut and any other Russian pharma that might help. Then tomorrow I need to assess myself and maybe book an appointment with a very expensive psychiatrist - as I don't trust most of them - and this one gives choices about what medication you want to try next. I actually got to speak to him on the phone before meeting him, which is so unusual. I don't have much hope of anything helping. The Phenibut does help though, I just don't know how often I can use it. And tomorrow I can take a little Tramadol, but that has only worked for me once, and not a second day. Valium doesn't work for me. So I don't have anything that works for me.
I don't know which forum to post this in - recovery or suicide, because I am just going to fight this a little bit longer. But I also really want this over. I have everything I need to make it end.
