Venting Terrified

[Afterman]

Chronic suicidality has changed the way I see everything in a really dark way. I'm terrified of leaving because of my family and fear of death itself. It makes me incredibly sad to look at things I once loved. I feel like I'm trapped in a (not so pleasant) dream all the time and the difference between night and day are non-existent for me now. I will probably ctb soon but the idea of me committing suicide is so grotesque in my mind that it makes me sad. I don't know if anyone else feels this way? Everyone around me tried so hard to help but deep down I feel it's inevitable. The suicidality is my way of having control over my life because I hate uncertainty. But now I can't get rid of it for the life of me. Just 24/7 suicidal obsessions. Anyways, if I go I'll be using the torniquet. I have a bathrobe rope and wooden spoon at my disposal so I'll have to carefully test that out. Or maybe combine that with two pads to make a night-night hybrid. At this point I wish I had a terminal illness. I'm sorry if that sounds insensitive.

 

[Afterman]

I want to add that I wish I had a loved one or really close friend telling me it would be ok while I'm going through with it. Perhaps that comfort would settle my mind a bit. But I never want anyone to be involved as it's not fair for them.

 

[TiredHorse]

I don't know how much of my failure thus far has been about fear, but I can certainly understand what you're saying, and I sympathize unreservedly. It's a huge and frightening leap, to catch that bus. And it's terrifying to feel that your life is not just out of control, but beyond your control.

I can't speak to what it's like having a good and trusted friend there when you ctb, but I can say that having a good friend hear your plans, listen to your reasons, and say, "okay, I understand, I can accept your choice," is very much a mixed blessing. I have that friend, and we had that conversation. In one way, it was a moment of some of the most profound relief I've ever felt. In another way, that relief removed a lot of my drive to ctb, and made me so grateful for that friend that it has hindered my attempts ever since.

And now I struggle with the burden I have placed on that friend. She is amazing, and supportive in every way even as she hopes I decide not to ctb, but I have no doubt that my plans have taken a toll on her peace of mind. So I feel guilty about that. Not enough to cut off contact with her, but enough to weigh that it weighs on my mind.

Friends --the really, really good ones who you would trust to be with you when you ctb-- are a mixed blessing when you're trying to ctb.

 

[worldexploder]

I wish you the best and hope this method works.

It's very common for most people to be sad about what their parents may lose. But your parents impose life on you without your consent. So it's your right to chose wether or not you want to CTB. Parents all the round the world should know the hell they will force their children to walk though.

 

[Sinbad]

committing suicide is so grotesque in my mind that it makes me sad.

I feel the same way.

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

I'm also scared of death, as I'm scared of life. I really can relate especially to hating uncertainty. Makes me want to sleep forever to escape the pain of my consciousness

 

[Afterman]

I'm also scared of death, as I'm scared of life. I really can relate especially to hating uncertainty. Makes me want to sleep forever to escape the pain of my consciousness

Yes we are the same in that regard. As bad as life is, it's still all I've ever known. And leaving behind all you've ever known is a scary thought. Every person I've ever known, every memory, every where I've walked, gone.

 

[ouvreyes]

I don't exactly have any words of comfort, but I'm definitely in a similar place right now. I've played out the scene of my dad finding my body in my head far too many times. And fuck I'd give so much for someone to just tell me that it was all okay. That it's okay that I'm killing myself. I've always been fine alone, but for some reason, death feels so big without company. And shit yeah, finding control in suicide... 100% feel that.

 

[52shriek]

I'm on the same boat as you all. I'm too tired to elaborate in a constructive way, sadly, though I'd like to. But that's my shitty reality: I've done nothing today and yet I'm too tired to even express what I feel.

I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid of the hassle of placing the order and then all the shit to do before ctb. Letters, instructions, etc. I'm so crippled with depression I can barely brush my hair everyday, so how can I go through the process of ctb? I'm waiting for something, anything, a spark that will give me enough energy to go through with it.

 

[Shewaitsforme]

I'm on the same boat as you all. I'm too tired to elaborate in a constructive way, sadly, though I'd like to. But that's my shitty reality: I've done nothing today and yet I'm too tired to even express what I feel.

I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid of the hassle of placing the order and then all the shit to do before ctb. Letters, instructions, etc. I'm so crippled with depression I can barely brush my hair everyday, so how can I go through the process of ctb? I'm waiting for something, anything, a spark that will give me enough energy to go through with it.

Got the enery to go over to Asda to get some food as not eaten today. Fucking christmas carol singers in there singing along. I wanted to burst into tears. Facing christmas alone, every day alone. If i hadnt have needed to run out id have bought the exit bag stuff. Everyday is tourture just trying to live, whats the point

 

[52shriek]

Got the enery to go over to Asda to get some food as not eaten today. Fucking christmas carol singers in there singing along. I wanted to burst into tears. Facing christmas alone, every day alone. If i hadnt have needed to run out id have bought the exit bag stuff. Everyday is tourture just trying to live, whats the point

I hear you... :(