donttellmybf2004
Member
- Feb 7, 2023
- 19
Hi, just venting here for a moment. Today I got in a fight with my mother because she wanted the oxycodone I was prescribed for a major surgery I got last week.
I'm upset she'd badger me about it, but I'm even more upset about how I recognized in her a pattern of action that I relate to.
In my family, once pain reaches a certain degree, we do anything to make it stop. Anything. When I was a kid, I'd always be testing myself. I'd press my hand onto hot surfaces, look at the sun for minutes at a time. Bite my nails clean off. I was always testing, trying to up my pain tolerance.
This wasn't really an active idea, but I think subconsciously I knew. I guess I've thought my whole life, that if I just get good enough at bearing it then maybe I will escape my familial destiny.
I have seen so many people disappear into opiates, like drowning in a river. And I don't think that happened to my loved ones because they were weak. That would be stupid, the strongest people I've ever known have been killed by those awful awful drugs for no reason. Indiscriminately, overdose claims people. Just because.
But I'm praying that for me, it's about willpower. I don't think I'm stronger than my mother, my father, my brother, my cousins, my uncle, my aunt. My gramma, my grandpa. I don't think I'm better.
But I'm praying that for me, avoiding those drugs I hate so much can be achieved by being strong. By being clever and avoiding drugs as much as I can.
Im scared. I'd rather die than take any drugs at all. But I am of my family line, I know that if I am hurt enough, I will do anything to make it stop.
I'm upset she'd badger me about it, but I'm even more upset about how I recognized in her a pattern of action that I relate to.
In my family, once pain reaches a certain degree, we do anything to make it stop. Anything. When I was a kid, I'd always be testing myself. I'd press my hand onto hot surfaces, look at the sun for minutes at a time. Bite my nails clean off. I was always testing, trying to up my pain tolerance.
This wasn't really an active idea, but I think subconsciously I knew. I guess I've thought my whole life, that if I just get good enough at bearing it then maybe I will escape my familial destiny.
I have seen so many people disappear into opiates, like drowning in a river. And I don't think that happened to my loved ones because they were weak. That would be stupid, the strongest people I've ever known have been killed by those awful awful drugs for no reason. Indiscriminately, overdose claims people. Just because.
But I'm praying that for me, it's about willpower. I don't think I'm stronger than my mother, my father, my brother, my cousins, my uncle, my aunt. My gramma, my grandpa. I don't think I'm better.
But I'm praying that for me, avoiding those drugs I hate so much can be achieved by being strong. By being clever and avoiding drugs as much as I can.
Im scared. I'd rather die than take any drugs at all. But I am of my family line, I know that if I am hurt enough, I will do anything to make it stop.
