needthebus
Longing to Becoming HRU
- Apr 29, 2024
- 281
I am doing so terribly and feel so awful
I wish I had time to rationally plan my suicide, but the walls are closing in and the only option feels like my mean abusive family for help, and it's a wildcard to accept that help
they could institutionalize me forever in a place I can't die and have made veiled threats about it
I made a horrible mistake a while ago and moved away to a new city, away from the few friends I had and away from family. I had been institutionalized in that area and treated so fucking poorly and degraded so badly and I just didn't want to be near the site of my humiliation. And I just made a fucking huge mistake.
And then I got into an accident and missed work and all these awful things happened. And I'm not someone who is great at dealing with things, and the only options for help are usually social worker types who were involved with the cruelty and degradation before.
It's stupid but I want to plan my suicide in a simple easy way, like to do it in a decent way, but Im in so much pain and so much sorrow, and I am so behind on bills and so poor and having such a hard time working due to being hurt.
It just sucks. I have absolutely no one. The awful part is I had some friends but if I reach out to them, I think there's a good liklihood I'll kill myself anyway. I'm older and I just have nothing in life. It's so hard getting older, but it's even harder getting older like this, the humiliation, the absence of love, I'm afraid to even get a dog because I could kms anytime.
I hate how weak and stupid and gullibe I am, I am stupid because I haven't given up hope completely. I need to do that, to give up hope, even hope of peace from death, everything is awful.
I just can't keep going on, and if I had medication and therapy it woukd be easier, but after involuntary hospitalization I see all of that as indignity.
I feel like I was just created to suffer, that nothing good ever happens. I haven't been happy for an extraordinary amount of time. I'm terrified to ctb and so lazy with getting ready and terrified due to my poverty.
I wish I had fallen in love with someone who really loved me who I liked. And it's just never happened. I feel so angry and exploited.
I am trying to give up almost all drugs prior to death. No coffee. I wasn't on drugs other than coffee recently. It's been terrible. I may not be able to do it. I tried to work and it was a huge mistake and Social Security seems to not be willing to let me go back.
I feel like god or the gods or fate or the universe just created me to inflict cruelty on me. There are non-verbal autistic children, always crying and throwing tantrums, only sufferring, who would be better off dead. I suppose they have it worse. At least I can choose death... Fuck everything hurts so bad. Im such an idiot. I just want to die. And AA or NA always involves Jesus or other religions or magic powers and those powers always hate gays and transgender people. I just wont do it, I wont be in a dellusional bubble.of magic thinking to pretend to be happy, even if it means death due to despair. I see why so many people are so religious, the world is fucking awful and people need to believe lies to carry on.
I wish I had time to rationally plan my suicide, but the walls are closing in and the only option feels like my mean abusive family for help, and it's a wildcard to accept that help
they could institutionalize me forever in a place I can't die and have made veiled threats about it
I made a horrible mistake a while ago and moved away to a new city, away from the few friends I had and away from family. I had been institutionalized in that area and treated so fucking poorly and degraded so badly and I just didn't want to be near the site of my humiliation. And I just made a fucking huge mistake.
And then I got into an accident and missed work and all these awful things happened. And I'm not someone who is great at dealing with things, and the only options for help are usually social worker types who were involved with the cruelty and degradation before.
It's stupid but I want to plan my suicide in a simple easy way, like to do it in a decent way, but Im in so much pain and so much sorrow, and I am so behind on bills and so poor and having such a hard time working due to being hurt.
It just sucks. I have absolutely no one. The awful part is I had some friends but if I reach out to them, I think there's a good liklihood I'll kill myself anyway. I'm older and I just have nothing in life. It's so hard getting older, but it's even harder getting older like this, the humiliation, the absence of love, I'm afraid to even get a dog because I could kms anytime.
I hate how weak and stupid and gullibe I am, I am stupid because I haven't given up hope completely. I need to do that, to give up hope, even hope of peace from death, everything is awful.
I just can't keep going on, and if I had medication and therapy it woukd be easier, but after involuntary hospitalization I see all of that as indignity.
I feel like I was just created to suffer, that nothing good ever happens. I haven't been happy for an extraordinary amount of time. I'm terrified to ctb and so lazy with getting ready and terrified due to my poverty.
I wish I had fallen in love with someone who really loved me who I liked. And it's just never happened. I feel so angry and exploited.
I am trying to give up almost all drugs prior to death. No coffee. I wasn't on drugs other than coffee recently. It's been terrible. I may not be able to do it. I tried to work and it was a huge mistake and Social Security seems to not be willing to let me go back.
I feel like god or the gods or fate or the universe just created me to inflict cruelty on me. There are non-verbal autistic children, always crying and throwing tantrums, only sufferring, who would be better off dead. I suppose they have it worse. At least I can choose death... Fuck everything hurts so bad. Im such an idiot. I just want to die. And AA or NA always involves Jesus or other religions or magic powers and those powers always hate gays and transgender people. I just wont do it, I wont be in a dellusional bubble.of magic thinking to pretend to be happy, even if it means death due to despair. I see why so many people are so religious, the world is fucking awful and people need to believe lies to carry on.
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