Woke up. Clinically depressed. Speaking to a psychiatrist later. Feeling more certain about my intentions to die. I believe death can be achieved. They will ask, I will respond. There is no chance of an improvement. Over the course of the last year I have been forced to adjust to the extent I am a loser in life and since February I have been preparing to die. I have considered many options, various meds SN hanging jumping drowning self immolation hypothermia. I am still undecided in that maybe there is never really a perfect way to die, death is never exactly a situation that can be controlled and you just have to run with it, face it as it is and make the best of it. Those closest to me are aware of my intentions and have accepted it, I'm at peace with them now. I think I am nearly there. I have suffered all my life. I tried to be nice and I tried to get my way. I wasn't very tough, I was easy to knock about. I made a post here about feeling like a 30 year old retard and while I still feel that way, this post may more be in line with where I am coming from, as opposed to that one. Medication can help straighten out the mind sometimes, and it's certainly helping me straighten my focus on suicide. I may not have another chance if I don't act soon. I sense time is running out, I need to figure out my way out. The professionals will do everything they can to prevent my death for their own careers, but they're not stopping me now. I don't need their medication to die. What happens next, nothing will stop me now.
No matter where I go, what to do, whatever way in which I try to make the best of something, I just can't and it always go wrong. I think I want to correct that now. Words like future don't matter, they take too much out of me. Better to just feel the wave out, feel some closure, feel some embrace beyond everything. There's nothing to fight, no real reason to feel tension against anything. Death is a part of life and life leads to death. It's just the next step.
I have asked for as much help as I can and I know I can't be helped. There is no point in suffering beneath the surface, no necessity in letting someone else suppress you into a place that suits them. It gets easier when you embrace it.
The premise of a choice is very easy to push towards someone. More pressure, too much responsibility to take on.
I wont accept their narrative that things will get better. I don't even think anyone is bothering to say that to me, I know people just look at me and write me off. I'm facing it all. Face it until you finally drop. When your will breaks, your head falls down. My head is finally dropping. Feels easier. I can't face them anymore. I can't keep it going, I can't maintain professionalism with my pain. I'm going to die, they can't stop me, they can't threaten or intimidate me away to suit them, their apathy and the apathy towards me, the way I have been beaten to death above anything else is what will guide me out.
Everywhere I go I get my lights punched out. One flew over the cuckoo's nest.
No matter where I go, what to do, whatever way in which I try to make the best of something, I just can't and it always go wrong. I think I want to correct that now. Words like future don't matter, they take too much out of me. Better to just feel the wave out, feel some closure, feel some embrace beyond everything. There's nothing to fight, no real reason to feel tension against anything. Death is a part of life and life leads to death. It's just the next step.
I have asked for as much help as I can and I know I can't be helped. There is no point in suffering beneath the surface, no necessity in letting someone else suppress you into a place that suits them. It gets easier when you embrace it.
The premise of a choice is very easy to push towards someone. More pressure, too much responsibility to take on.
I wont accept their narrative that things will get better. I don't even think anyone is bothering to say that to me, I know people just look at me and write me off. I'm facing it all. Face it until you finally drop. When your will breaks, your head falls down. My head is finally dropping. Feels easier. I can't face them anymore. I can't keep it going, I can't maintain professionalism with my pain. I'm going to die, they can't stop me, they can't threaten or intimidate me away to suit them, their apathy and the apathy towards me, the way I have been beaten to death above anything else is what will guide me out.
Everywhere I go I get my lights punched out. One flew over the cuckoo's nest.
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