Terminal Depression

[dust-in-the-wind]

My major depressive disorder is slowly killing me. I've tried all the meds and even ECT. Clearly this has become a terminal condition. It's been over 2 years of non- functioning, crying, barely eating and bed ridden most days. I drove to a 210ft bridge last night over water. It was cold, dark and scary as fuck to even look down. I couldn't do it. I am suffering so badly, yet I can't even end it. Jesus Christ! Please let me die!

 

[Kimlett]

I'm sorry you're suffering. Life shouldn't be this painful. I have treatment ressistant major depression too and I think that, even if it's a cronic condition, we can have some random periods in our lives when the sympthoms are less strong and we can have some peace. Anyway I hope you feel a bit better soon

 

[tiredandold]

I feel the same. BPD, OCD, ADHD, and PTSD all together are making life unbearable. I'm in and on every form of treatments you can think of, I try hard, and still nothing. It's been 20 years of pain, next week I turn 29 and I can't fathom going on any longer like this.

 

[tiredtired]

suffering sucks. sorry you're all going through this

 

[divinemistress36]

Mentall illness is cruel sorry OP

 

[L'absent]

Ah, life. A cruel, mischievous entity, always ready to tighten its suffocating grip, to make you believe the pain will never end… but the moment you finally summon the courage to say "enough," it pulls out its final trick: fear. It lets you suffer for years, drains every ounce of energy from you, convinces you there's nothing left to be done—and then, at the decisive moment, the moment it should simply let you go, it clings to you with its nails, pins you there at the edge of the bridge, staring down at the freezing water, reminding you that no matter how much you want to leave, it is the one that decides when you're ready. And, as always, it decides no.
There's a perverse irony in all of this. A whole existence spent chasing something—happiness, peace, even just a shred of meaning—and when you finally stop searching and just want to close the curtain, you discover that the last door is the hardest of all to walk through. Not because of doubt, not because of second thoughts, but because life, in its infinite absurdity, has designed everything so that in the moment you decide to leave, it gets the last laugh.
You walked the path, you saw the exit, you even placed your hand on the handle, and yet here you are, still trapped in the labyrinth. Why? Because life is the worst kind of jailer—the one that keeps you imprisoned without chains, the one that ensures every escape attempt fails not by external intervention, but by some absurd law of the universe that prevents human beings from leaving as easily as they were brought here.
And so, the cycle continues, day after day, carrying the weight of an existence with no escape and the cruel joke of an exit that always seems within reach but never truly accessible. Maybe this is the grand cosmic joke: no one asked to enter, no one can choose to leave easily, and in the meantime, time drags on like an unwelcome guest that refuses to leave. But don't worry, life is patient. It will keep playing with you, placing new illusions, new locked doors, new perfectly positioned obstacles in your way. After all, it would be too simple to grant you the luxury of an end when you want it. Life loves a spectacle, and the grand finale, when it finally arrives, will only come when it decides it has had enough.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Ah, life. A cruel, mischievous entity, always ready to tighten its suffocating grip, to make you believe the pain will never end… but the moment you finally summon the courage to say "enough," it pulls out its final trick: fear. It lets you suffer for years, drains every ounce of energy from you, convinces you there's nothing left to be done—and then, at the decisive moment, the moment it should simply let you go, it clings to you with its nails, pins you there at the edge of the bridge, staring down at the freezing water, reminding you that no matter how much you want to leave, it is the one that decides when you're ready. And, as always, it decides no.
There's a perverse irony in all of this. A whole existence spent chasing something—happiness, peace, even just a shred of meaning—and when you finally stop searching and just want to close the curtain, you discover that the last door is the hardest of all to walk through. Not because of doubt, not because of second thoughts, but because life, in its infinite absurdity, has designed everything so that in the moment you decide to leave, it gets the last laugh.
You walked the path, you saw the exit, you even placed your hand on the handle, and yet here you are, still trapped in the labyrinth. Why? Because life is the worst kind of jailer—the one that keeps you imprisoned without chains, the one that ensures every escape attempt fails not by external intervention, but by some absurd law of the universe that prevents human beings from leaving as easily as they were brought here.
And so, the cycle continues, day after day, carrying the weight of an existence with no escape and the cruel joke of an exit that always seems within reach but never truly accessible. Maybe this is the grand cosmic joke: no one asked to enter, no one can choose to leave easily, and in the meantime, time drags on like an unwelcome guest that refuses to leave. But don't worry, life is patient. It will keep playing with you, placing new illusions, new locked doors, new perfectly positioned obstacles in your way. After all, it would be too simple to grant you the luxury of an end when you want it. Life loves a spectacle, and the grand finale, when it finally arrives, will only come when it decides it has had enough.

Thank you for this. You are a talented writer. I think I'm being tortured in a Hell realm.

I feel the same. BPD, OCD, ADHD, and PTSD all together are making life unbearable. I'm in and on every form of treatments you can think of, I try hard, and still nothing. It's been 20 years of pain, next week I turn 29 and I can't fathom going on any longer like this.

I'm so sorry you are going thru this torture as well. I have also tried really hard. No one I know understands.

I feel the same. BPD, OCD, ADHD, and PTSD all together are making life unbearable. I'm in and on every form of treatments you can think of, I try hard, and still nothing. It's been 20 years of pain, next week I turn 29 and I can't fathom going on any longer like this.

 

[J&L383]

Ah, life. A cruel, mischievous entity, always ready to tighten its suffocating grip, to make you believe the pain will never end… but the moment you finally summon the courage to say "enough," it pulls out its final trick: fear. It lets you suffer for years, drains every ounce of energy from you, convinces you there's nothing left to be done—and then, at the decisive moment, the moment it should simply let you go, it clings to you with its nails, pins you there at the edge of the bridge, staring down at the freezing water, reminding you that no matter how much you want to leave, it is the one that decides when you're ready. And, as always, it decides no.
There's a perverse irony in all of this. A whole existence spent chasing something—happiness, peace, even just a shred of meaning—and when you finally stop searching and just want to close the curtain, you discover that the last door is the hardest of all to walk through. Not because of doubt, not because of second thoughts, but because life, in its infinite absurdity, has designed everything so that in the moment you decide to leave, it gets the last laugh.
You walked the path, you saw the exit, you even placed your hand on the handle, and yet here you are, still trapped in the labyrinth. Why? Because life is the worst kind of jailer—the one that keeps you imprisoned without chains, the one that ensures every escape attempt fails not by external intervention, but by some absurd law of the universe that prevents human beings from leaving as easily as they were brought here.
And so, the cycle continues, day after day, carrying the weight of an existence with no escape and the cruel joke of an exit that always seems within reach but never truly accessible. Maybe this is the grand cosmic joke: no one asked to enter, no one can choose to leave easily, and in the meantime, time drags on like an unwelcome guest that refuses to leave. But don't worry, life is patient. It will keep playing with you, placing new illusions, new locked doors, new perfectly positioned obstacles in your way. After all, it would be too simple to grant you the luxury of an end when you want it. Life loves a spectacle, and the grand finale, when it finally arrives, will only come when it decides it has had enough.

Cliff notes: life's a bitch

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I'm sorry you're suffering. Life shouldn't be this painful. I have treatment ressistant major depression too and I think that, even if it's a cronic condition, we can have some random periods in our lives when the sympthoms are less strong and we can have some peace. Anyway I hope you feel a bit better soon

Thank you For context I am 55 years old and I have had years of relief on certain meds until they don't work anymore. I've never been this bad for this long and nothing helps. This is the end of the road for me.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I guess it's safe to say that my bipolar depression is terminal, too. I don't think I'll be around much longer.

It's sad that our emotions can be so wonderful and useful, but when our brains malfunction those same emotions can terrorize us and destroy everything that makes life worth living. And the brain is so fucking complex, good luck trying to fix it. I'm glad treatments provide relief for so many people, but they don't solve everything, and when they don't work you're shit out of luck.

 

[needthebus]

My major depressive disorder is slowly killing me. I've tried all the meds and even ECT. Clearly this has become a terminal condition. It's been over 2 years of non- functioning, crying, barely eating and bed ridden most days. I drove to a 210ft bridge last night over water. It was cold, dark and scary as fuck to even look down. I couldn't do it. I am suffering so badly, yet I can't even end it. Jesus Christ! Please let me die!

sending u virtual hugs if u want them

<3 so sorry things are so hard

 

[squidsponge]

It sucks living in limbo, one foot in life the other in death. I wish you peace and hope things peter out for you somehow.

I've never thought of depression as terminal.. but those two together actually make sense. You can be terminally ill so you can be terminally depressed. I wish this was a more mainstream thing to say cause I feel like that, like this is it, there's nothing beyond.

 

[Xabin]

Mi trastorno depresivo mayor me está matando lentamente. He probado todos los medicamentos e incluso la terapia electroconvulsiva. Claramente, se ha convertido en una enfermedad terminal. Han pasado más de dos años sin funcionar, llorando, apenas comiendo y postrada en cama la mayoría de los días. Anoche conduje hasta un puente de 64 metros sobre el agua. Hacía frío, estaba oscuro y daba mucho miedo incluso mirar hacia abajo. No podía hacerlo. Estoy sufriendo muchísimo, pero ni siquiera puedo ponerle fin. ¡Jesucristo! ¡Por favor, déjame morir!

Hoooooo diosssss!!!!.....tus palabras me han dejado muy tocado. Siento muchísimo lo que estás pasando. Lo que estás sufriendo. Yo también tengo una depresión crónica muy jodida. A parte tengo constantes ataques de migraña. Me siento muy identificado contigo en el hecho de que vivo en un lugar donde hay mucha montaña. A pocos kilómetros de mi casa hay un sitio, una montaña donde en un lado accede al bacio. En coche llego en 10 minutos. En su día tuvieron que poner unas bayas "anti-suicidio" porque muchas personas elegían ese sitio para finalizar su vida. Yo también he ido un par de veces decidido y no he sido capaz. Me sentí como si fuera el insecto más pequeño de esta tierra. Sentirse culpable, incapaz, impotente.....por no haber podido hacerlo es un sentimiento de soledad tan profundo que ruegas para que el viento, dios o quien sea te lleve de una miserable vez.
Soy nuevo en esta web y agradezco muchas expresiones tan onestas y valientes como la tuya. Si necesitas hablar, charlar un poco, estoy aquí......Gracias de corazón .

 

[permanently tired]

Something abt the cold is incredibly deterring. I was in this situation about a year ago. The wind beats down constantly, you cannot take the time to think. The water a fluctuating iridescent black.

I couldn't stop thinking abt how cold the water was.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered a lot, it's so cruel and dreadful to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I understand just wanting to never suffer ever again, I wish you the best.

 

[NegevChina]

Thank you For context I am 55 years old and I have had years of relief on certain meds until they don't work anymore. I've never been this bad for this long and nothing helps. This is the end of the road for me.

I'm 57 and meds wont work for me any more. I had good years, last 10 years deteriorated physically and mentally, but the last year was hell on earth, and the future is going to be much much worse. I've got to leave and the sooner the better.

 

[sximii]

It's honestly crazy how the brain makes itself suffer. Mental illness is all from the brain. It wants to survive, but at the same time makes it almost impossible

 

[NegevChina]

I guess it's safe to say that my bipolar depression is terminal, too. I don't think I'll be around much longer.

It's sad that our emotions can be so wonderful and useful, but when our brains malfunction those same emotions can terrorize us and destroy everything that makes life worth living. And the brain is so fucking complex, good luck trying to fix it. I'm glad treatments provide relief for so many people, but they don't solve everything, and when they don't work you're shit out of luck.

I don't see myself being around much longer as well. I want to leave while I'm still in control of myself and have the means I've gathered for a relatively peaceful considered departure. I need to set a date and it needs to be soon, each time I find a different excuse to delay, but I know whats waiting for me if i don't do it.

 

[danny10]

My major depressive disorder is slowly killing me. I've tried all the meds and even ECT. Clearly this has become a terminal condition. It's been over 2 years of non- functioning, crying, barely eating and bed ridden most days. I drove to a 210ft bridge last night over water. It was cold, dark and scary as fuck to even look down. I couldn't do it. I am suffering so badly, yet I can't even end it. Jesus Christ! Please let me die!

I can totally relate with you. My major depressive disorder also started about 2 years ago. I also tried all the medications out there and did 8 ECT treatments. I also tried to jump off a bridge, I drove to the site 3 times but couldn't do it. Seems like we have a lot in common.

 

[HelloDarkness25]

I am the same way, with the same diagnosis, plus anxiety. Probably terminal diagnosis in my case, too. I'm sorry for your pain. I no longer hope not to wake up in the morning. I hope to linger on as long as I can, and then I won't

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I guess it's safe to say that my bipolar depression is terminal, too. I don't think I'll be around much longer.

It's sad that our emotions can be so wonderful and useful, but when our brains malfunction those same emotions can terrorize us and destroy everything that makes life worth living. And the brain is so fucking complex, good luck trying to fix it. I'm glad treatments provide relief for so many people, but they don't solve everything, and when they don't work you're shit out of luck.

Your post is spot on. No one even really knows why antidepressants help some people or what part of the brain malfunctions. I'm so sorry you are suffering as well.

I am the same way, with the same diagnosis, plus anxiety. Probably terminal diagnosis in my case, too. I'm sorry for your pain. I no longer hope not to wake up in the morning. I hope to linger on as long as I can, and then I won't

I'm so sorry for your pain as well. How come you want to linger on?

I can totally relate with you. My major depressive disorder also started about 2 years ago. I also tried all the medications out there and did 8 ECT treatments. I also tried to jump off a bridge, I drove to the site 3 times but couldn't do it. Seems like we have a lot in common.

I agree we have much in common. I have had episodes before but none this bad or this long. I did 18 ECT and it didn't help at all. The bridge is a hard fear to overcome. People that do it have some serious balls. I commend them.

It's honestly crazy how the brain makes itself suffer. Mental illness is all from the brain. It wants to survive, but at the same time makes it almost impossible

It's a mind fuck for sure. I just want to feel normal again but my situation I fear is hopeless and I can't live like this.

I'm 57 and meds wont work for me any more. I had good years, last 10 years deteriorated physically and mentally, but the last year was hell on earth, and the future is going to be much much worse. I've got to leave and the sooner the better.

I'm 55 and also had some good years but that's in the past. All I see now is old age, dementia and decrepitness in my future. My father passed away last week @78 and he was a trainwreck of health issues and had been for quite some time. It has been confirmed thru genetic testing that I will have some of the same health issues. I just want out.

Something abt the cold is incredibly deterring. I was in this situation about a year ago. The wind beats down constantly, you cannot take the time to think. The water a fluctuating iridescent black.

I couldn't stop thinking abt how cold the water was.

I wasn't sure if I would die hitting the water, drown or die from hypothermia.

It sucks living in limbo, one foot in life the other in death. I wish you peace and hope things peter out for you somehow.

I've never thought of depression as terminal.. but those two together actually make sense. You can be terminally ill so you can be terminally depressed. I wish this was a more mainstream thing to say cause I feel like that, like this is it, there's nothing beyond.

Thank you for your kind post. Depression is so bad for not just your mental well being but physically also.
I spend so much time in bed I'm waiting for a blood clot to take me out. I barely eat so I could die from malnutrition. Being physically inactive has a lot of risk too. Then there is cbt. So a lot of reasons severe depression can be terminal if it goes on too long.

It's honestly crazy how the brain makes itself suffer. Mental illness is all from the brain. It wants to survive, but at the same time makes it almost impossible

It's a mind fuck for sure. I just want to feel normal again but my situation I fear is hopeless and I can't live like this.