AtomicNewt
A girl doesn't need anyone who doesn't need her
- Jun 5, 2019
- 145
Haven't ever actually told a healthcare professional that I feel suicidal. They've been utterly useless with ptsd and depression so feel the only thing it would do is make my life worse, especially with being able to access prescription drugs etc... In addition feel that it would go one of two useless ways, belittling and making you feel miserable for being so moany or trying to get you into some facility for a time, which also sounds hideous and unproductive, as unless you're psychotic and can possibly be sorted out with the right meds, they're more like holding pens.
I also truly believe I cannot be "fixed" or even taken to an acceptable functional level. I've spent my entire adult life battling MH issues and they just seem to be spiraling outwards and now encompass my entire being. So dead I haven't been able to find or feel joy and feel inhuman. That's not life. I also feel like deciding to end my life isn't an irrational, spontaneous decision. Have spent a great deal of time and thought, as well as many years, reaching what I consider to be a logical conclusion, made with full mental capacity and with depth of thought.
However, although I HATE those clichéd phrases, I haven't "tried everything" as I've never spoken to Dr or anyone about wanting to actually top myself. And I certainly wouldn't, as rambled above, as I'm almost certain it would be utterly pointless. Except I have an 8 year old daughter who I love intensely and is a ray of sunshine (not sure where she gets it from but looking at her I realise, cheesy as it is, the best thing you can have in life is happiness) even though I've been a sluggish depressed mess for the last few years and haven't been able to be the mum I was or need to be, she doesn't even like spending a night away from me, how could I do that to her? But after five years of feeling suicidal I've been feeling ever more desperate. Depression has turned me into a rubbish, hollow person anyway, nothing left to miss now.
Apologies for the length of this but today thinking of making that big decision. On verge of ringing the Dr's. Or is that going to be another terrible decision to add to my list of awful choices? Especially as I feel that I've made my mind up, have had an adult lifetime of suffering and have managed to cut myself off from everyone else. Wouldn't even be asking if it was just about myself...
I also truly believe I cannot be "fixed" or even taken to an acceptable functional level. I've spent my entire adult life battling MH issues and they just seem to be spiraling outwards and now encompass my entire being. So dead I haven't been able to find or feel joy and feel inhuman. That's not life. I also feel like deciding to end my life isn't an irrational, spontaneous decision. Have spent a great deal of time and thought, as well as many years, reaching what I consider to be a logical conclusion, made with full mental capacity and with depth of thought.
However, although I HATE those clichéd phrases, I haven't "tried everything" as I've never spoken to Dr or anyone about wanting to actually top myself. And I certainly wouldn't, as rambled above, as I'm almost certain it would be utterly pointless. Except I have an 8 year old daughter who I love intensely and is a ray of sunshine (not sure where she gets it from but looking at her I realise, cheesy as it is, the best thing you can have in life is happiness) even though I've been a sluggish depressed mess for the last few years and haven't been able to be the mum I was or need to be, she doesn't even like spending a night away from me, how could I do that to her? But after five years of feeling suicidal I've been feeling ever more desperate. Depression has turned me into a rubbish, hollow person anyway, nothing left to miss now.
Apologies for the length of this but today thinking of making that big decision. On verge of ringing the Dr's. Or is that going to be another terrible decision to add to my list of awful choices? Especially as I feel that I've made my mind up, have had an adult lifetime of suffering and have managed to cut myself off from everyone else. Wouldn't even be asking if it was just about myself...