Venting telling my ex not to fall back on his vices when i don't do the same

[jenny6391bubbles]

i think my impulsiveness and recklessness is going to destroy me. just slept with someone way older than me (i'm an adult, don't worry) out of impulsiveness. i made my ex promise to not fall back on his vices so he can have a successful future. but me? haha. i don't think i'll live past the average of 27 for people with bpd. i'm so chronically unstable and impulsive. i hate it so much. i really do. i think my entire family will disown me if they find out about this. i know i need a better way to deal with painful emotions but i really hate feeling so much!! i hate myself so much so i end up doing things that make me hate myself even more.

i'm so alone... recent break-up proved that no one will love me or no one is willing to love me enough. ever. there's a lot of platonic love i get but like, it's not enough for me and i don't get why. my ex himself said that i would break if i stopped being needy, high maintenance, or clingy. i'm so lost now.