Taking responsibility

[MarrowGrinder]

I am tired of living because I can't bear my responsibilities
I am barely a year away from uni but I fucked up (lost all will to do much execpt procrastinate, cry and sleep) now my grades are absolute garbage and I might redo the grade, this shit terrifies me because I got a reputation in my family and circle as the "smart one" and they would be so disappointed in me and stuff. All of this I my fault and I can't bear it. Plus I am completely useless on my own because I got spoiled so much as a kid that I can't do the most basic task ever without struggling or just give up and I'm an antisocial dumb freak so maybe it's a good thing if I die

 

[naut]

I'm in the same boat. Society really surrounds us to in a world where academics is above all else. I hope you and I find peace later on

 

[Hikari.]

I did the same thing throughout my high school years im on the same boat as u still and im trying we can do this together :D

 

[inconstantprayer]

I'd say. Stop wasting time being so hard on yourself, and start being honest with yourself. ask yourself what is the root problem standing in your way? Why are you procrastinating so much when you know what you should be doing?
May I also ask what you are going to school for? And if you are not actually "the smart one", then its possible you can become a quick study. No one needs to really know anything.
I'd say become better at managing your time. Set up clocks around yourself. Also set up at least 2 alarm clocks next to your bed. Actual dedicated alarm clocks, no tyour phone. turn your phone off at night, or whenever you sleep and put it in a faradaycageorsleeve of some sort to protect your precious brain from whatever that thing is doing.
Lights are important too, i find a strong "normal" light, like you'd see in a shop or garage, basic, bright, and to me, says "ok, its time to get to work"
This may not work for you. Find what does work for you.
I can't really offer any more advice without knowing more, but you seem to pretty well already have the right idea. Take responsibility. That tells me right there that the age old addage is still holding up true to this day "the only we are fooling is ourself". Get to know yourself more. You probaby are very gifted, and by the sounds of it, come from a gifted family. If not, then please correct me, so I can get a better idea of how to help.

Life takes work. Work on yourself, and care for yourself, so you can be strong enough to work on anything else and do well. hope that makes sense.
Wishing you all the best.

 

[MarrowGrinder]

My family are a bunch of tryhards, at least on my mother side my grandmother (mother side) is one of the first female judges in our country, dad is an pretty well known lawyer, aunt (mother side) works at ONU and mom is a tax collector (I think). I am the only heir they got because my brother is braindead, even if I might be autistic.

I am somewhat clinically depressed (got diagnosed by a therapist but never got the pills because mom found it as a waste of money and that I should just ''cope'' with it because it's how life works or something). I been depressed for 5+ years (all because my mother told me to kill myself, stupid i know) but I still worked enough to get at least around 70%. Now I'm even more depressed cause my future is more near than ever and I'm incapable of doing basic tasks I did since I'm young so i sunk even lower than before, i tried to slit my wrist like a few days ago but had an mental breakdown. I am completely dependent of people and stupid

I tried to work on myself multiple times, to "lock in" but it all becomes nothing, it doesn't have any effect on me and makes me miserable I don't know why. I don't know what I want nor who I am (but the nice thing is my partner helps me in that situation)

 

[roommate]

Yea it's unhealthy to talk yourself far down when something doesn't go the way you or others wanted it to be.
Sometimes it's just the path that you're in, not really the choice you make.
Self compassion could be something you could learn and benefit from imo.

Edit: Sorry I just read more of your story and maybe my comment above is less appropiate, I hope the situation gets better and wish you all the best

 

[r.vival]

I am tired of living because I can't bear my responsibilities
I am barely a year away from uni but I fucked up (lost all will to do much execpt procrastinate, cry and sleep) now my grades are absolute garbage and I might redo the grade, this shit terrifies me because I got a reputation in my family and circle as the "smart one" and they would be so disappointed in me and stuff. All of this I my fault and I can't bear it. Plus I am completely useless on my own because I got spoiled so much as a kid that I can't do the most basic task ever without struggling or just give up and I'm an antisocial dumb freak so maybe it's a good thing if I die

i completely get where you're coming from. fuck i'm 19 still in high school. i repeated grades many times and it hurts to see my classmates achieve more than me. surpass me. have better lives than me. i wish you nothing but the best.

 

[MarrowGrinder]

Yea it's unhealthy to talk yourself far down when something doesn't go the way you or others wanted it to be.
Sometimes it's just the path that you're in, not really the choice you make.
Self compassion could be something you could learn and benefit from imo.

Edit: Sorry I just read more of your story and maybe my comment above is less appropiate, I hope the situation gets better and wish you all the best

it's ok don't beat yourself up

I'd say. Stop wasting time being so hard on yourself, and start being honest with yourself. ask yourself what is the root problem standing in your way? Why are you procrastinating so much when you know what you should be doing?
May I also ask what you are going to school for? And if you are not actually "the smart one", then its possible you can become a quick study. No one needs to really know anything.
I'd say become better at managing your time. Set up clocks around yourself. Also set up at least 2 alarm clocks next to your bed. Actual dedicated alarm clocks, no tyour phone. turn your phone off at night, or whenever you sleep and put it in a faradaycageorsleeve of some sort to protect your precious brain from whatever that thing is doing.
Lights are important too, i find a strong "normal" light, like you'd see in a shop or garage, basic, bright, and to me, says "ok, its time to get to work"
This may not work for you. Find what does work for you.
I can't really offer any more advice without knowing more, but you seem to pretty well already have the right idea. Take responsibility. That tells me right there that the age old addage is still holding up true to this day "the only we are fooling is ourself". Get to know yourself more. You probaby are very gifted, and by the sounds of it, come from a gifted family. If not, then please correct me, so I can get a better idea of how to help.

Life takes work. Work on yourself, and care for yourself, so you can be strong enough to work on anything else and do well. hope that makes sense.
Wishing you all the best.

if you want to know more check the fifth reply

i completely get where you're coming from. fuck i'm 19 still in high school. i repeated grades many times and it hurts to see my classmates achieve more than me. surpass me. have better lives than me. i wish you nothing but the best.

I know a story where a old man (around 50's) finally passed 12th grade and even got a special roll of Honor, you got this mate

 

[inconstantprayer]

My family are a bunch of tryhards, at least on my mother side my grandmother (mother side) is one of the first female judges in our country, dad is an pretty well known lawyer, aunt (mother side) works at ONU and mom is a tax collector (I think). I am the only heir they got because my brother is braindead, even if I might be autistic.

I am somewhat clinically depressed (got diagnosed by a therapist but never got the pills because mom found it as a waste of money and that I should just ''cope'' with it because it's how life works or something). I been depressed for 5+ years (all because my mother told me to kill myself, stupid i know) but I still worked enough to get at least around 70%. Now I'm even more depressed cause my future is more near than ever and I'm incapable of doing basic tasks I did since I'm young so i sunk even lower than before, i tried to slit my wrist like a few days ago but had an mental breakdown. I am completely dependent of people and stupid

I tried to work on myself multiple times, to "lock in" but it all becomes nothing, it doesn't have any effect on me and makes me miserable I don't know why. I don't know what I want nor who I am (but the nice thing is my partner helps me in that situation)

Maybe you need to change your focus. You didn't say what you are studying, as far as I can make out from that.

Maybe change the direction of what you are working toward. maybe also take time out for yourself once a day, or once a week even, and go in the forest by yourself and get your hands dirty actually doing something yourself. You talka bout not being able to do things. Then do things, and you'll learn. The human brain does not properly work without working with our hands, and typing on akeyboard doesn't count, nor does swiping or pushing on other devices. Sounds like you need to take yourself and your girl into the woods for a few hours, get wet, find out how to provide shelter for yourself by putting up a simple tarp, with simple rope. once the shelter is up (just a basic A-shelter, fairly low to the ground) you can have some protection from the wind to hear yourself think. Then spend an hour or so collecting wood for a fire, and carefully process the branches collected into usable kindling sizes. Once the wood has been prepared, ignite the tinder however you wish to make things go faster and get the fire going. Then you and your woman sit by it for an hour or so, and tend to it, keep it alive with the wood you have gathered, until the wood runs out, and the fire dissipates and dies. Then respectfully/responsibly put the fire out using water, and mix it into the ashes using a stick, mix it around to make sure its really out. then you can take your shelter down, pack up, and go back home. hands on skills and good memories hopefully will be gained, and mostly free also. it does not have to be complicated. just some ideas for you. there isn' tmuch more basic than some good dirt time out in the forest. just be careful and respect nature and yourself. but do feel free to mention something more to your liking if that is not something you want to do. Im just trying to come up with good ideas that are not expesive or complicated, that are life enriching. nature is always an enriching thing. so perhaps then, don't bother going to all that trouble. Perhaps just go out in nature with your girl, and just walk slowly and quietly somewhere where there are no trails and no other human beings, and just be completely at one with the true silence and peace you might not even remember you are so deprived of living in civilization with its constant noise pollution covering over nature's purity.

 

[Whale_bones]

I am somewhat clinically depressed (got diagnosed by a therapist but never got the pills because mom found it as a waste of money and that I should just ''cope'' with it because it's how life works or something).

I'm not sure how healthcare and insurance work where you're at, but are you able to see a therapist without your parents knowing? Low serotonin is a real thing (of course medications don't work for everyone, and you have to look at pros and cons of side effects), if talk therapy and/or medication are things you want to try, you should definitely go for it.

Don't let your parents convince you out of that, you know what's best for yourself, and a parent who's telling you to kill yourself isn't doing their duty to support and guide you. As a parent myself I would never, ever say that to my kiddo, I don't care if they failed out of every class they took!

I'm glad you have a supportive partner, lean on them in tough moments. If you still have some interest in life and can see a potential light at the end of the tunnel, do your best to explore that! Sometimes getting away from parents can be a life-saving change. Sending you strength