Quarky00
Enlightened
- Dec 17, 2019
- 1,956
The Bad and the Ugly
This flat is a recovery/NGO for homeless . It was always torture , but it now turned really bad with manager becoming abusive , preventing me food and toilet and sleep , while I'm being yelled at and forced to do stuff . When I'm injured . At midnight . Sorry , I deserve better .
Tenants are deranged and I am sharing a room with a maniac . Sorry bipos w/ bpd you're not an easy bunch -- wait for it -- especially when you're NOT taking meds AND sharing a room 24/7 just 3ft from a person
I'm hugging you , but I'm furious about the hurt and pain I suffered , yet I know you suffer enough without me raging about people blindly .I will be leaving this flat abruptly and without notice , erasing all traces , changing my SIM , looking for another place . I can't share my exact plans of where I'm going and what I'm doing because many here tend to jump and judge , or get all emotional , or get so offended and hurt -- without really reading what I say/write . You are sometimes such a selfish thoughtless bunch ;)
I've checked other NGO/shelters and it's even worse . I asked my SW and got nothing . I tried to go to psychiatric ward but refused -- not psychotic/suicidal enough lol (overcapacity) . I cannot use my homeless/welfare grant , given by government , to lease in the free market . This is a shame because that would have been perfect . This scheme locks people in these 'recovery flats' which provide nothing . I'm starving . What a corrupt abusive enterprise . It's not a free shelter . We actually pay $600 / €550 / £500 per month for this crap and to be abused . I'm doing most of the cleaning . Wait for it . Cleaning after other people's shit -- literally . Yet manager yells at me , especially me , all the time .
When I told him the food he brought one day is spoiled (mold) he called me a whiner . I tried my best to say how thankful I am , and that I'm just trying to help . He would hear non of that . We have a geriatric depressive tenant here , nicknamed Oldie (was my roommate and annoyed me -- but I respect/fond of him etc) . Manager forced him to lift heavy bags till Oldie cried . Speechless . And again , this is the good recovery NGO . This is the best one . I assigned Oldie tasks that were to his abilities like cleaning tables and dust (no heavy lifting) . Manager insisted . Fuck him . Abusive prick .
People in this flat are not functioning and should not be sharing a flat while left to their own device . Or to the yelling of the deranged manager . At least some counseling , some daily schedule , chores , whatever ; some compassion! Many are recidivist felons , violent , drunk , geriatrics , addicts , mentally ill . Many of us are mentally ill , but folks here have no followups , no adjustments , and at times don't take their meds , go to doctor , or even take paracetamol when it hurts . Shame . That's bad when it's a psychotic depressive or a schizo . They get no help (just a bed) . And they pay a fortune for that . They need proper help and supervision . I know people drink and smoke to cope — but when you do that and go mental while living with others in a small place , with zero discipline or consequences , hurting people , that is soooo wrong . Pain brings more pain . They cram us 2 in a small room , with little resources . 7-8 people on 1 poor bathroom . Yesterday I wanted to take a shower -- found a poo in the bathtub . Someone left a poo in the shower .
As you can figure out yourself this "recovery" flat is a recipe for disaster . When manager comes he mostly complains about crazy things like the shape of the table , salmonella in the oven (it dies at 70C you moron) , and basically just rattles and hassles us around . He threw away our chairs while insisting on keeping some old guitars and paintings as decoration . Because it gives this place a "home like feeling" . Recently he picks on me -- and not just here and there but FOR HOURS . Berating me for hours . Our sewage is blocked but he wants paintings on the walls . Deranged . He wants to paint the doors green ... at midnight ... Priorities man !!!
(I don't mind working , it's good for you , but this was a surprise visit at night , when I was totally broken and haven't eaten)
Big Hopes (some Crushes)
I wanted to ctb many times in recent months and great people here convinced me to give things another try . And another . And another . And another . They were right in doing so . You people have pushed me to buy food , seek medical help , and go outside . You gave me strength and believed in me . And it worked . To my surprise I grew and thrived and smiled -- but only when I run away from this hell of a flat. Things have become unbearable . 8 hours a day I'm out of this flat , just looking for a place to be outside , on the streets , in the park , at the beach . I feel good when I do . But it doesn't help me survive this place . It's awful . It's torture . I can't even sleep -- my roommate is in hypomania . He talks on the phone in loudspeaker and at night . He claims he can "read other people's thoughts" . We watch TV and he screams how he would have violent intercourse with a random person on the screen . It's not your normal 'horny guy' -- but vicious and nasty . You get the picture . I feel much safer on the streets . At least people are generally nice , you have your own space , no one is attacking you .
However , I did found some meaning to life . I was lost and now somewhat rekindled with myself , with my life story . I finally grew a backbone -- and a pair . I believe in myself . I got rid of most of my anxiety . I rode the bus with no panic attack! I don't mole or fester , I sink down much less , I move on -- rapidly and vigorously . In recent years I deeply despise people , especially kids , noisy and obtrusive when I need some peace . But recently I kinda enjoy that playfulness . Something had changed in me . For the first time in years I'm really trying to "live life" . Many things are missing but I can feel some joy or confidence . I was extremely anhedonic , super anxious , frail , and feeble . Still am in many ways . I'm not okay . Still actively suicidal . But I started having these feelings ... After 100 sunsets I forced myself to watch ... I took the courage and visited all my old joints , including traumatic places . It was painful and glorious .
Not a Goodbye , Be kind
This is not a goodbye . But an interim summary and a temporary break . An ongoing update (see 'recap') . Sadly some rumors circulated that I am going to ctb . I am not . I'm suicidal but also full of life . If I will ctb , I will let people here know , in a public thread , in advance , so we can say our goodbyes . Regardless of my choice to be open and expose myself (which is bloody hard!) -- this is still a private matter , and a private choice , and not something that needs encouraging , discouraging , discussed , speculated , judged , criticized , etc .
I'll probably be back in a week or so . But this could be 4 days , or 14 days , anyhow that's the ballpark
Hack , I might even log in on Saturday. I see no reason to mention this hiatus (people take a break) -- but got PMs of people saying their goodbyes to me . I'm setting the record straight . I am in trouble . I almost went to my hidden SN last week -- but I did not . And even then , when I was close , I knew that when push comes to shove I wouldn't drink it . I am not impulsive and never was . I may be in this situation again , wanting to reach my SN . But for the first time in years I intent to live , for now . I am posting this in the suicide section rather than recovery because I'm not going to recover soon , and despite some hope I'm overall not bearing good news -- regarding my basic life conditions , and the near future . Going to be a bumpy ride . ;)My hiatus is because I cannot be participating while my life is in the highest of its chaos , and while I'm figuring out what to do and where to be . I cannot deal with other people's problems right now . I cannot repeat that shoving SN in the ass is not good , only to be berated on how good it may be , because I haven't tried it (lol) . I cannot share my pain without being judged -- and I can't take that right now . As I expected , personal connections I made with people here did not always last long and well , and this is understandable when everyone are on edge and traumatic . People lash out . That's how we are , it's fine . Being emotionally volatile , I was often blamed for other people's troubles . I'm not pointing fingers . I don't take it personally . Just reminding you : don't take out your problems , your bitterness , your anxiety , your triggers , your aggressiveness , your pain , on others . Stop pressing that "post" button without thinking 10 times . Tale it easy . Be kind . Even when you are in pain ... Be kind -- at least here in this place . At this crucial bus stop . Be compassionate here . Always
Oops , longer than expected .
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Just to recap ...
At first I suspended ctb because I got allowance and medical treatment .
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...o-many-things-happened-plus-my-ctb-kit.30780/
Then spent some time on the streets , then at a penthouse (wtf)
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/what-the-is-going-on.31315/
Then I experienced many horrors in this 'recovery' flat :
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/doing-bad-in-shelter-ctb.33397/
And then some more , and was again ready to ctb :
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/ctb-is-back-on-deck.37114/
A small note on how our psychiatric hospital is like .
My general conditions , summary . Some things are sadly back -- bit of PTSD, lots of insomnia, and terrible fatigue and pain (broken body) .
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