A
Anonymous1997ES
Member
- Jul 30, 2021
- 82
In both the world and this site, there are people whose suffering far exceeds my own, people who never made mistakes that caused them to want to CTB, people whom sadly are lonelier than I am, people without family and/or friends and so on...
I'm here because I made a lot of mistakes, some of them irreversible, some people even warned me to be careful.
No one forced me at gunpoint to say I had "Asperger" to others, before I found out three years later that I wasn't in the spectrum at all...
I'm not saying that this is the same for everyone but, even if I offed myself, things wouldn't get solved... What was said can't change, and what's done is done, simple as that.
I have a fear of abandonment so rooted in my being, that thinking it may happen is more than enough to make me mistrust people I should've never mistrusted at all...
Had I died, yeah, I would be in peace but, I would have hurt so many other people in the process... I acted rashly, and now I have to work to fix things...
I have to accept that many people might think of me as a childish/special needs person even when I'm not, I have to accept that some people may be pitying me or they might not like me, I have to accept that some bonds faded away and they will either never get back, or they won't be the same at all, I have to accept that I may graduate college without a close friend there, I have to accept that I don't have 100% of the blame (maybe 50-60%)...
Is it selfish for me to say that I'm still depressed after all of this ordeal? But I have to deal with it, I guess, even if it's just to ensure no one else suffers for it...
I'm here because I made a lot of mistakes, some of them irreversible, some people even warned me to be careful.
No one forced me at gunpoint to say I had "Asperger" to others, before I found out three years later that I wasn't in the spectrum at all...
I'm not saying that this is the same for everyone but, even if I offed myself, things wouldn't get solved... What was said can't change, and what's done is done, simple as that.
I have a fear of abandonment so rooted in my being, that thinking it may happen is more than enough to make me mistrust people I should've never mistrusted at all...
Had I died, yeah, I would be in peace but, I would have hurt so many other people in the process... I acted rashly, and now I have to work to fix things...
I have to accept that many people might think of me as a childish/special needs person even when I'm not, I have to accept that some people may be pitying me or they might not like me, I have to accept that some bonds faded away and they will either never get back, or they won't be the same at all, I have to accept that I may graduate college without a close friend there, I have to accept that I don't have 100% of the blame (maybe 50-60%)...
Is it selfish for me to say that I'm still depressed after all of this ordeal? But I have to deal with it, I guess, even if it's just to ensure no one else suffers for it...
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