Hi everyone,
I (20M) can't see myself living to 35-40. Luckily, my parents are older, so I only have to wait another decade until they're both dead so I can unload buckshot into my skull with no guilt. Not that they were good to me growing up, but I don't want to inflict that kind of pain on the people who claim to love me (although this premise is up for debate!!)
A bit about me — I'm a fucking weirdo. I put on my "normal mask" every day, and somehow I'm still socially repellent to everyone at my school. I have no friends, no significant other, no dreams, no hopes, no ability to feel pleasure or joy, and a very well-paying job that I sometimes hate.
I have $45k saved up at 20 years old and I make $1,600 a week after taxes while riding on a full scholarship to my college. I'm in fantastic physical shape, I exercise regularly, I've been completely sober and medicine-compliant for almost 2 years, and I'm still broken. I deal with paralyzing anxiety spells and mood swings that make me question whether or not my brain is irreparably damaged.
I try to make friends, but I can't. No matter how hard I try, there is something about me that turns people off. Ever since I was little, people have only wanted to be close to me so they could get the homework from me. My last ex-girlfriend used me to write her college admissions papers and she now goes to Stonybrook.
She didn't care about me, but she definitely cared about what I could do for her. I will never be valued for anything more than my intellect. This has been my personal experience for as long as I can remember, and I guess my academic knowledge is the only worthwhile thing about my personality and existence. That's okay, I really don't plan on being here much longer anyway.
In 2020, around my 18th birthday, I started doing fentanyl and drinking hard liquor in the middle of a manic episode with the overall intention of killing myself. I intentionally overdosed for months on end, but I guess I'm immortal.
I know I have to get a shotgun and make sure I die this time. There's a 99% success rate here; but my only lamentation is that I don't feel comfortable attempting suicide until my parents are dead. I have stockholm syndrome. Even though I got beat and was the victim of emotional incest and domestic violence as a young child, I still have "love" for my parents when I shouldn't care about them.
Anyway, I'm miserable, therapy doesn't work, sobriety doesn't work, and I hope I die from natural causes before my parents do. Some people aren't compatible with living, and I've accepted the fact that I'm one of those people. I also wish I was Canadian. There's no point in waking up tomorrow and feeling the same exact way I do right now, taking the same psych medicine that gives me withdrawals if I don't take it 3 times a day, and dealing with at least one mini-panic attack in public.
I just had to put this schizo rant somewhere because, like I said, I have absolutely nobody to talk to IRL and I don't feel like getting myself locked up in a psychiatric ward for the third time in 2 years. I have shit to do!
I (20M) can't see myself living to 35-40. Luckily, my parents are older, so I only have to wait another decade until they're both dead so I can unload buckshot into my skull with no guilt. Not that they were good to me growing up, but I don't want to inflict that kind of pain on the people who claim to love me (although this premise is up for debate!!)
A bit about me — I'm a fucking weirdo. I put on my "normal mask" every day, and somehow I'm still socially repellent to everyone at my school. I have no friends, no significant other, no dreams, no hopes, no ability to feel pleasure or joy, and a very well-paying job that I sometimes hate.
I have $45k saved up at 20 years old and I make $1,600 a week after taxes while riding on a full scholarship to my college. I'm in fantastic physical shape, I exercise regularly, I've been completely sober and medicine-compliant for almost 2 years, and I'm still broken. I deal with paralyzing anxiety spells and mood swings that make me question whether or not my brain is irreparably damaged.
I try to make friends, but I can't. No matter how hard I try, there is something about me that turns people off. Ever since I was little, people have only wanted to be close to me so they could get the homework from me. My last ex-girlfriend used me to write her college admissions papers and she now goes to Stonybrook.
She didn't care about me, but she definitely cared about what I could do for her. I will never be valued for anything more than my intellect. This has been my personal experience for as long as I can remember, and I guess my academic knowledge is the only worthwhile thing about my personality and existence. That's okay, I really don't plan on being here much longer anyway.
In 2020, around my 18th birthday, I started doing fentanyl and drinking hard liquor in the middle of a manic episode with the overall intention of killing myself. I intentionally overdosed for months on end, but I guess I'm immortal.
I know I have to get a shotgun and make sure I die this time. There's a 99% success rate here; but my only lamentation is that I don't feel comfortable attempting suicide until my parents are dead. I have stockholm syndrome. Even though I got beat and was the victim of emotional incest and domestic violence as a young child, I still have "love" for my parents when I shouldn't care about them.
Anyway, I'm miserable, therapy doesn't work, sobriety doesn't work, and I hope I die from natural causes before my parents do. Some people aren't compatible with living, and I've accepted the fact that I'm one of those people. I also wish I was Canadian. There's no point in waking up tomorrow and feeling the same exact way I do right now, taking the same psych medicine that gives me withdrawals if I don't take it 3 times a day, and dealing with at least one mini-panic attack in public.
I just had to put this schizo rant somewhere because, like I said, I have absolutely nobody to talk to IRL and I don't feel like getting myself locked up in a psychiatric ward for the third time in 2 years. I have shit to do!
