Venting Survival instincts are making me anxious

[now_or_never]

I want to order N because my life is not worth living. I have crippling avolition, and some days I can barely do anything other than to eat and sleep. I depend on my family for survival, and being 38 I believe that I have already lived enough. I thought I would make it till 40, but I don't know if I can hold it for so long, my urge to die is strong. And at the same time I am conflicted, and anxious about dying. Damn survival instincts. I imagine myself dead, and I don't like the idea of it. Now. Maybe later I will change my mind, but now it seems disgusting. I imagine my mom finding my lifeless corpse and it is not a nice image. But I prefer dying before my mom does, although she is 78 and she doesn't have many years left.

But all in all, these are all elucubrations without much substance, because I don't have N yet, and as such I can't decide whether I ctb or not. There is only one limitation left, I have a friend who lives abroad, my best friend, and I promised her that I would wait for a visit of her in September, it is a long time, but maybe I can wait.

I can't imagine how hard it is to take one's life because the SI are making my life hell already, and I still don't have the method to go...

Just ranting and ranting to calm myself down from this anxiety that ctb is causing me...

 

[Judy Garland]

I'm about to be 38 on the 24th, I hope I'm gone before then.

 

[now_or_never]

I'm about to be 38 on the 24th, I hope I'm gone before then.

What is your method? And do you have a date already for ctb?

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I know that it is awful feeling like you are trapped, not wanting to live yet feeling as though you are unable to die. The survival instinct can be very frustrating. I understand that it can be unbearable to be suffering so much. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[natali4]

I understand what you are going through. CTB is not easy no matter how strong our will is to die. I have been struggling after my failed attempt a few weeks ago. SI is a bitch.
I hope you find peace and happiness in whatever you choose.

 

[Zzzzz]

I can relate in some ways. I'm also in my 30's with significant avolition and a recluse. Dependent on others. I'm not really ashamed of that because they refuse to let me die in peace. But I am disappointed in myself that I have not ctb sooner and been unable to overcome si.

 

[now_or_never]

I can relate in some ways. I'm also in my 30's with significant avolition and a recluse. Dependent on others. I'm not really ashamed of that because they refuse to let me die in peace. But I am disappointed in myself that I have not ctb sooner and been unable to overcome si.

I'm glad to hear that I am not the only one living the recluse lifestyle... ("glad" of course is an overstatement, I should say that I feel sympathy and understanding for your situation as well, because it is not ideal). Avolition is horrible, at least for me, I can barely do anything, for instance I can't help doing house chores like cleaning or sorting things out. I feel deeply incompetent and disabled. I am also refused to let me die in peace. At least I feel proud of myself that I could contact D and try to purchase N, even though it seems that there is a shortage now. I don't feel a disappointment for not ctb sooner, quite the opposite, it feels like an accomplishment to endure this bullshit for so long.

The worst is when I open up to people that I trust and they don't want me to ctb, even when they know that I am suffering in this situation. I only have one online friend who understands because he has gone through the same as me, and he also likes the idea of having N at home for when things become too unendurable.

 

[now_or_never]

I don't know if delusional is the right word. Perspective is everything. like, you say the only true purpose for humans is to die but the majority of people will disagree. and i doubt most people would want to disappear if they had the chance. maybe just stop judging other people for being different and instead try to understand them? maybe that is better. but i understand with a negative/depressed disposition, this can be hard. i know i was very stubborn and hostile to thoughts like those but this changed after time.
i dont really like or enjoy thinking as big as you do. i purposely try to narrow my perspective away from the 'big picture'.

Wrong thread?

 

[TakeMeBack07]

Wrong thread?

oops. yes