Survival instinct

[TVtrays]

I'm furious right now. I'm fucking ready to ctb TODAY but this little part of my brain that's trying desperately to keep me alive is overriding everything. I haven't been religious for over half a decade but now my I'm starting to fear hell again.
WHY CAN'T I JUST BE GRANTED THIS ONE THING?

 

[throwaway123]

I've been ready to CTB for years .
At this point I think it's just beyond our control. I know people who've been here for decades. Someday it'll happen. Just not sure when.

People say you're ready when you're ready but what they don't tell you is that you can't do anything to become ready. Either you are or you're just not.

It sounds cruel but this is actually what its like for the majority of people.
Only a small minority of those who are suicidal will ever attempt and even less of those who attempt will actually be successful.

CTB is not something to be accomplished. It just happens. That's it.
It's like a automatic fire alarm. It happens by itself.

At least that's how I see it. Sometimes I think I can just do it. Then I try to do it and fail and then wonder why I can't do it.

What if we actually never really had a choice?

 

[ForgottenSara]

^
We always have a choice, and what is stopping the brain to accomplish the final goal is sheer and pure survival instinct.
Once that's gone, everything is easier.
And for it to be gone, there are many courses of action.

 

[Alan James]

I've been ready to CTB for years .
At this point I think it's just beyond our control. I know people who've been here for decades. Someday it'll happen. Just not sure when.

People say you're ready when you're ready but what they don't tell you is that you can't do anything to become ready. Either you are or you're just not.

It sounds cruel but this is actually what its like for the majority of people.
Only a small minority of those who are suicidal will ever attempt and even less of those who attempt will actually be successful.

CTB is not something to be accomplished. It just happens. That's it.
It's like a automatic fire alarm. It happens by itself.

At least that's how I see it. Sometimes I think I can just do it. Then I try to do it and fail and then wonder why I can't do it.

What if we actually never really had a choice?

If I had N, I would drink it without fear and doubt - I tried to drink phenobarbital and I was not scared at all, probably my SI did not work for this method. I am very afraid of pain (this is my phobia) but I am not afraid of death and don't believe in any after life - all fear is pain. If only I could get N, I don't do what I must because I'm waiting for such an opportunity. I'm afraid that N will disappear from the sale and I will miss my chance. I am a coward, all those who could exit this existence for me are heroes and are worthy of respect.

 

[Avicii]

I'm furious right now. I'm fucking ready to ctb TODAY but this little part of my brain that's trying desperately to keep me alive is overriding everything. I haven't been religious for over half a decade but now my I'm starting to fear hell again.
WHY CAN'T I JUST BE GRANTED THIS ONE THING?

Hell doesent exist - have said it before but I remember the user Xanex on her very last post before she ctb say she was never religious but said one last prayer just in case !! God isn't real so don't fear him Jesus was just a cult figure that's weirdly lasted till this day - the internet is awash with stories of the Big Bang less people are going to churches with some being turned into residential properties because people aren't flocking there no more !!!!

I still have the vision of an aunt who was never religious unlike another aunt who was educated was a teacher clever but believes in God ffs .. anyway the unreligious aunt was dying in hospital and surrounded herself with rosary beads and recited prayers ... when death stares you in the face people do random things.

If maybe there was just one single religion that everyone in the world preached to not Mohammed BuddH etc just one mighty God then i night have an inkling if suspicioun but no too many Gods

 

[jake3d]

I believe there is a higher power, but religion is the biggest bag of bullshit ever to have been come up with by man, and a way of crowd control since the first days of humanity.

 

[famblycat]

I've been ready to CTB for years .
At this point I think it's just beyond our control. I know people who've been here for decades. Someday it'll happen. Just not sure when.

People say you're ready when you're ready but what they don't tell you is that you can't do anything to become ready. Either you are or you're just not.

It sounds cruel but this is actually what its like for the majority of people.
Only a small minority of those who are suicidal will ever attempt and even less of those who attempt will actually be successful.

CTB is not something to be accomplished. It just happens. That's it.
It's like a automatic fire alarm. It happens by itself.

At least that's how I see it. Sometimes I think I can just do it. Then I try to do it and fail and then wonder why I can't do it.

What if we actually never really had a choice?

I know there's a heaven and there's hell, and they're here on earth, and hell can be so long, lonely and cruel.

It's scary to be stuck like that. Sometime's i'd 'sin' to think if someone didn't do IT he has some hope, some good parts in his life. Some really do have that, but It's frightening to know for many there can be no hope, and so much darkness and terror, you can be stuck in your hell cell, alone whether you are, or you know no one can understand you and see what's inside, think only of how to get out but when the moment comes you're frozen, scared, hesitating.

It terrifies me how much worse it can get before some do it, and how many years of waiting they have ahead in their transparent hell.

 

[Alan James]

and how many years of waiting they have ahead in their transparent hell.

I have been in this condition for 23 years. From 8 years old - then for the first time I tried to kill myself by taking random pills. Feels like I lived for centuries, like several different lives, i feel so old.

 

[famblycat]

Being your same age and feeling that same pain from a very early age I can relate. Our souls are battered and tired.

 

[BipolarExpat]

A lot of the parts to all of this are quite challenging for most of us but SI seems like an entirely new league of difficulty.

It feels so overwhelmingly powerful when it's switched on high (again, for most of us).


I believe it's a mixture of some or many fears all at once, i.e.:

the unknown
pain
other's pain
mistake/failure
religious judgement

I could feel it vicariously through most of the jumpers caught on camera (pre-jump) in the documentary "the bridge," but mostly with the long-haired man who somehow overcame it (towards the end) after a sh*t-ton of pondering.

 

[Realityisawful]

Try a benzo and prazosin combo.

 

[deflagrat]

For me it's the opposite, ctb is the easiest and fastest solution to my problems but I force myself to postpone it because I am not supposed to do that yet. I even had to throw away my Metoclopramide because having the entire method ready means that sometimes I have the urge to kill myself (as I am tired of waiting for things to happen, and I don't even need to be depressed to seriously think about doing it). Sometimes I feel trapped by my own logic because I can't just end it whenever I please.

I think it's because I used to fear painful methods and I was ready to die with a decent method but didn't know any, and then years passed and I found some... I was trapped psychologically until I got to that point. Thinking about suicide made my problems fade away, you can't suffer if you are dead, and that was an insane relief.