Survival Instict is a ruthless biatch

[reesespiecesaregood]

The last couple weeks, I've been so at peace with my decision to ctb. I ordered everything I needed, started getting some affairs in order, and could finally see the end in sight. Then suddenly today, I got an overwhelming wave of motivation to drop the plans, fix my shit and get my life together. Wtf is that???

I'm so conflicted. I've come to a rational conclusion about wanting to end it. It's not at all impulsive, I've thought about it every day for months and finally settled on it being the best choice for me; the only choice.

And now, even if I really wanted to stay, it's so much harder to than it was before I decided to ctb. I've alienated most of my friends, I haven't worked in months, I've gained weight, stopped going to the doctor, etc etc. It would take so much more willpower to get back on track. I feel like my mind is at war with itself right now. My rational mind is saying that the motivation is really just an evolutionary necessity and not to be taken seriously. The reality of my life turning around with whatever willpower I can muster up to improve it is based in fantasy driven by that ruthless instinct...right?

Just venting, I know it's ultimately up to me.

 

[Delia]

I can relate.
While I kept living my life and still made some casual bad life decisions, I was so sure I'd CTB last week and had that same wave of motivation. Fuck that actually pisses me off.

 

[randomz]

I think your reactions and the changesin thoughts are normal - after all, the calming effect of having your exit button within reach allows your mind to explore the world of possibilities from a different prespective.. Don't be harsh on yourselves, or blame yourselves for not following through. Enjoy your renewed will to live and change something about your lifes. Have another go at life.
I wish you all the best and hope everything turns out good for both of you :)

 

[reesespiecesaregood]

I can relate.
While I kept living my life and still made some casual bad life decisions, I was so sure I'd CTB last week and had that same wave of motivation. Fuck that actually pisses me off.

Me too lol. It sucks not being decisive. Makes everything prolonged and even harder

 

[SettOne1994]

The last couple weeks, I've been so at peace with my decision to ctb. I ordered everything I needed, started getting some affairs in order, and could finally see the end in sight. Then suddenly today, I got an overwhelming wave of motivation to drop the plans, fix my shit and get my life together. Wtf is that???

I'm so conflicted. I've come to a rational conclusion about wanting to end it. It's not at all impulsive, I've thought about it every day for months and finally settled on it being the best choice for me; the only choice.

And now, even if I really wanted to stay, it's so much harder to than it was before I decided to ctb. I've alienated most of my friends, I haven't worked in months, I've gained weight, stopped going to the doctor, etc etc. It would take so much more willpower to get back on track. I feel like my mind is at war with itself right now. My rational mind is saying that the motivation is really just an evolutionary necessity and not to be taken seriously. The reality of my life turning around with whatever willpower I can muster up to improve it is based in fantasy driven by that ruthless instinct...right?

Just venting, I know it's ultimately up to me.

My brother told me a saying he got from his officer at the army. Dont go trying to be first or dont stay last ( talking about the battlefield). The first eats it ( the bullet) in the forehead the last its it in the ass. He was talking about war scenarios dont run to the enemy first or last , be the middle guy. Also in life dont try have it all but dont leave all out of handle . If you want to have it all you will be hurt so much , your pride will be your enemy because every comment or action will affect your strong sense of egoism and identity. As well dont try to surrender and be the last guy , as you will eat it up the ass figuratively or literally. Always someone will step on you and use you or in the worse case your action may weaken you so much that you may literally get raped :P these are some wise words. I had the same problem with you and i got this saying somewhat fast. I always fantasized my worse fears and i wanted to end up a winner. But they dont mean nothing unless you go out and be a winner. Our fantasy sometimes becomes our prison, we keep recreating possible scenarios and we want to be winners but that affects later when the real thing happens and you must stop fantasizing and actually do something

The reality of my life turning around with whatever willpower I can muster up to improve it is based in fantasy ?
Both yes and no. Since you realize all the fears are illusions because the persons creating them (besides our own selves) are weak then evil people , you realize all this time a lion was fearing an ant . IF you are a good and humble person in your life OR atleast starting from now to try.
Also no because doing something you havent done since a long time or have done little in this lifetime( maybe reincarnation exists) then its completely logical to loose your sense of identity thinking you are weak and coward when you havent. And then all the courage you thought has been lost , you need to accumulate to do something thats hasnt been done since a long time and you starting to delude yourself you are not capable of doing....

in the end its all delusions that our enemies are strong which is not true ( but dangerous they are), that ourselves are weak or not compassionate people enough when maybe current life existence might have been unfortunate and some few events in our lives have determined for ever that we are not strong or loving , or that our loved ones are not really worth of love all the time and as such they are liars from the beggining, when all people from time to time are good and bad by weakness....