Many strange feelings today. doing chores, talking to loved ones all with this thought of ctb. Such a strange contrast. Surreal really. Like on the outside I am doing normal things but on the inside I am tortured and thinking about CBT. Anyone else go or going through this?
As long as I am alive I try to live as normal as possible, too ;)
21Neberg
Enlightened
- Dec 17, 2018
- 1,624
Are we the same person?
I am literally discussing plans with my father to go to a darts game in March, even though I'm going to attempt partial hanging on tuesday (if nothing screws up... which it probably will, its my life after all...)
It gave me the same surreal feeling you described in your post. I'm trying not to let it get to me though - I know how much I want to die deep down in my heart and I know the only thing I truly want is death.
I am literally discussing plans with my father to go to a darts game in March, even though I'm going to attempt partial hanging on tuesday (if nothing screws up... which it probably will, its my life after all...)
It gave me the same surreal feeling you described in your post. I'm trying not to let it get to me though - I know how much I want to die deep down in my heart and I know the only thing I truly want is death.
Jiva
I want ...
- Nov 18, 2018
- 493
I think, it is normal. I feel the same. I would like to help you. But i don't know, how can i help. Maybe if you know more people feel the same, you will feel better. Maybe.
Retched
I see the chaos in your eyes.
- Oct 8, 2018
- 837
For a while, everything appeared like a garish cartoon for me, everything looked softer, stranger. Now that I've proven my survival instinct is an absolute asshole, things seem weird and I feel more out of place. Surreal is a good term for it.
bigj75
“From Knowledge springs power."
- Sep 1, 2018
- 2,540
Every day. All activities that i do in life I'm constantly thinking about wanting to ctb deep down.
HellinHeaven
seeking for salvation
- Jan 12, 2019
- 63
You're not alone with it. I cannot climb up a tower wthout thinking of jumping or the last time on the ferry I looked into the cold water... If I have a good day this thoughts are rare and unimportant, but on bad days, if I get into trauma and dissociation it's just hell, then there is a film running in my head how I'm ending this shit.
Jai
Specialist
- Sep 23, 2018
- 384
^^this everyday
I feel the surreal nature in the form of dissociation like my life is a video game with those multiple choices that takes the game in different directions and ive felt inclined to make all the worst choices except in a videogame it takes you closer to death where as irl, it absolutely does not!
Yes, have always felt this way. It's like living in a simulation that I just can't excape from no matter what I do.
I can totally relate. The feelings only grow more surreal and trippy the closer you get to ctb. The more real ctb gets...the more surreal "reality" gets. I've been trapped in a nightmare I can't wake up from for quite some time now. Nothing feels real anymore. I would say detachment is a normal coping mechanism. Just don't ever fool yourself into believing that things couldn't possibly get any more surreal! I promise you they can ;-) xD
Smashingairwaves
misery factory
- Nov 15, 2018
- 193
Definitely. I can't even cry anymore. Everything just feels fucking weird
I can relate in that I frequently feel the same way but I can't really talk to anyone about it except my psychiatrist, because nobody really understands my suffering. If I talk to anyone else they give me (most of the time) dumb and useless advice that demonstrates their complete inability to understand this aspect of me.
Help_Me
Gene pool mistake
- Oct 21, 2018
- 516
It's totally ok. I'd rather say it's amazing. Nobody actually suspect you during preparations. I also have plans I am sharing with my parents, friends and beloved ones. Also, my colleagues think I am normal. Little do they know I have suicidal thoughts and visit this forum every day
Definitely. I keep doing all my day-to-day shit and with everything I do, I think, "why the fuck should I do this crap?? I'm gonna be dead soon anyway!" I don't even wanna shower, brush my teeth, etc. I still do, but I just keep thinking, "what's the fuckin' point?"
it's habit I suppose. But yeah it's pretty bizarre to me. It's like living two lives. The life that one is accustomed to and the life they says fuck this, I don't want to do this anymore. I find myself growing number and number by the day but every so often a tidal wave of emotion overcomes me. It's those moments when I question ctb but then I begin to think about all the reasons why I want to ctb and the emotions go away. When the end is much closer, I believe I can repress those emotions so that I can be cold and calculating with my ctb method.
Redt2go
flower child
- Jan 5, 2019
- 1,643
Bandersnatch
goesforemast
Member
- Jan 12, 2019
- 35
Funny how much we both have in common from what i've red till now.
I tried to cut most of my ties to other people i know. i dont have friends or a gf so thats nice in this case xD. only some guys that know me i wont reply to anymore so this surreal situations when i talk to someone normally and having ctb in my mind will get reduced. i personally dont like to pretend i am ok but i cant change it anymore. and in a few weeks my N will hopefully arrive so i dont change me now.
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