Venting suppose to ctb today – too many things happened ... (plus my ctb kit)

[Quarky00]

Today I was supposed to be dead. Landlord called now, previously harassing me to leave -- now say they're on vacation & asked me to stay a week (idiot). This was final straw of 2 chaotic weeks driving me to postpone. I wanted out for a long time. I was really about to become a depressive, anxiety-ridden, vomiting, insomniac homeless Not funny, but tired of crying, and as ctb approached took things lightly (who cares).

So in 2 weeks... trigeminal nerve pain treated, temporary allowance, violent neighbour left (murder threats), meto stopped my vomiting, legal assistance, feeding solutions (underweight/malnutrition), two job offers, and more. Two offers!! After 3 years of nothing. Disabled and can only work at home, which is frowned upon here. SS also to blame for acceptance and providing stupid meto:) "The universe is sending you signals" -- screw universe. I was supposed to be dead.

I have nothing but 1 bag That's the hardest part, I feel stripped of everything I had, of who I am. Threw away 90% of my clothes & memories. Sent 5 boxes to cheap storage faraway. All my life in one bag, that is depressing. Temporary accommodation offered though conditions are bad (partially subsidized hostel). I will be practically homeless, just not on the street.

My life were comprised by weekly disasters and I was looking for one to finalize ctb. So I'm barely walking, traveling with boxes to an unknown town, no cell signal or google maps -- I accidentally met the storage person on the road (on their way to facility). Unbelievable. I'm used to nasty impatient people, but the guy made coffee and we talked for an hour. Unbelievable. We talked about life. He is 21 years old, quite successful but so kind... It gave me tiny hope about this generation making things better. Unbelievable, never thought I'd say such a thing, the world is hopeless..

I don't see a future ahead, I barely function and I know things will get worse (at least had a home and belongings). I know I should ctb. I am thinking about killing myself every hour. I really want to. But I can't now.

Too bad. This was such a lovely day to die.

~ ~

Anyway got my ctb on-the-go kit (Amy+SN). Can exit whenever I want to. "Just add water and stir" ...
* obviously I had already managed to break the glasses can't do anything right..

 

[Shivani]

Sorry for the turn of events but I really enjoyed your posts here. I really hope you could keep a little more of your humorous company to broken souls like myself and may more here. Hope you find strength through your waiting period.....

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

There is no "should" when it comes to the decision to CTB.

If you were really ready, nothing anyone here said would have made a difference.

Welcome back, for however long you stay with us.

 

[Flippy]

That sounds like one hell of a shit storm. I'm sorry that all this has happened :-( Loosing your accommodation has got to be really tough. It has been quite often a big fear for me. I just hope that something good will happen for you and soon! It sounds like you are well overdue for some good luck. :-0

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Hope you find strength through your waiting period

 

[Ghost2211]

What a lot of ups and downs to have. There is no should when it comes to ctb. If life helps you float another day use it to experience things like food and drinks you love. Watch a movie and watch the sunset. The bus will be there when you're ready. Take it one day at a time, and absorb the beauty in life (as fleeting as it may be). You are prepared. No need to rush.

It has been a pleasure to know you. I love how you can find humor in darkness. You're loved and not alone.

 

[Quarky00]

There is no "should" when it comes to the decision to CTB.
If you were really ready, nothing anyone here said would have made a difference.

• I was really ready
• Things said here do make a difference
• However events IRL changed
• 'I should ctb' = my thoughts

I'm sure you meant well and appreciate that but my readiness and feelings are mine .

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

• I was really ready
• Things said here do make a difference
• However events IRL changed
• 'I should ctb' = my thoughts

I'm sure you meant well and appreciate that but my readiness and feelings are mine .

I think that when you are truly ready to ctb nothing else matters. There isnt a single thing that makes you keep on living. Thag's when you're truly decided.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Sorry that you have had a shit run of things lately, glad you still kept your sense of humour though, they say laughter is the best medicine. I'm glad that you will be here a bit longer, I like reading your posts and what you bring to this site. Stay strong, sending you loads of love and if you need to vent, my DMs are always open

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Holding back So. Hard. from debating on @Quarky00's thread... Twould be a good megathread topic for when this comes up, as it almost inevitably does. (Again, so. HARD. to say that diplomatically. Snark beast is strong within me.)

@Quarky00, loved those boundaries.

And I love having you here. Would that we could go at the same time.

I wonder what wrenches will be thrown in my plans. Fucking life, man.

I've done hostel living. Sending supportive vibes your way for all opportunities and challenges.

EDIT: Megathread created

EDIT: Megathread deleted by mod. Understood why. Will have a talk with snark beast to see what we can work out.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

Sorry all this is happening to you.

don't worry, if you're having second thoughts that's totally normal. No matter how decided you might've been beforehand circumstances can still change and impact you.

I hope whatever you do next you find the peace you are looking for. Always love your posts on here.

 

[TAW122]

Sorry that your bus to peace is delayed and sometimes unfortunate things do happen and throw a wrench in your plans. Nevertheless, I hope your additional time here will be a peaceful and pleasant one.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

I'm sending you big hugs right now!

 

[Quarky00]

When psychiatrist doubted me- I slit my wrist on her

when you are truly ready to ctb nothing else matters.

Meaningless for me.. During a recent ctb people here assumed someone is not ready, only to find them dead 5 minutes later. So folks take a deep breath. I'd prefer to engage with a person rather than opine (This was not addressed to Timey-Dusty!! )

My decision was rational and not due to doubts, emotions, or readiness. I cannot wish a person "safe journey" when their circumstances change ; I pass the same judgment on me. I can be cold, cruel, and calculated ("I am thinking of killing").

End of

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Because of my background and how I use it to understand, I've noticed humans have a tendency to say "you" when they really mean "I, along with, potentially, what/whoever I agree with who had the power to influence this idea." Using "you" is subconscious, but it's actually pretty inclusive and demanding of the one being addressed, who can be left feeling invalidated, negated, and/or defensive. Thanks to a side conversation, I'm working on keeping my boundary not by rejecting the other person's statement outright, but rephrasing it for myself to feel less offense and gain a greater understanding of the person speaking.

So I rephrase for myself @UpandDownPrincess 's comment like this:

There is no "should" (for me) when it comes to the decision to CTB.
If (I) were really ready, nothing anyone here said would have made a difference (to me).

And I rephrase for myself @TimeToBiteTheDust 's comment like this:

I think that when (I am) truly ready to ctb nothing else matters. There isnt a single thing that makes (me) keep on living. Thag's when (I'm) truly decided.

Doing this helped me tame the snark beast in me who wanted to defend @Quarky00 , to maintain my sense of autonomy outside of the "you," and to be more understanding and accepting of those quoted.

I'm curious as to how @UpandDownPrincess and @TimeToBiteTheDust respond to my exercise here. It helped me, but does it unintentionally harm them? No demand for a response, but if they do respond, it will help me in my effort to refine my communication and boundary skills... which I still need until I ctb!

EDIT: Just saw @Quarky00 's "end of." Want me to delete this comment? It's your thread, I defer to your preference.

 

[Quarky00]

@GoodPersonEffed , perfect , but this time your beast was right People's feelings were indeed generalized . Superb rewrite exercise, it helps thanx .

I know what I feel and I'm not afraid to show it. We can move on:)

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Hey @Quarky00 , why was it a beautiful day to die?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@Quarky00 how are you doing today?

 

[Quarky00]

@Underscore , shakey! If I become aware I'll ctb instantly....

This is why eveything is a joke, "I don't care and it's not me" :/ I'm very sad I didn't die. Thanx, needed that brief moment of slight awareness. (cant handle much)

Hey @Quarky00 , why was it a beautiful day to die?

Bit sunny after storm. Bad things in life aligned to die. And reference --


Seymour shoots himself.

If life helps you float another day use it to experience things like food and drinks you love. Watch a movie and watch the sunset. The bus will be there when you're ready. Take it one day at a time, and absorb the beauty in life (as fleeting as it may be).

Excellent ideas. Anhedonia/dissociative so sunsets are meaningless.. but good pointers, to survive meanwhile. Helpful and I wrote that in a note to remember. Thank you.


Barbie, flippy, shivani, backwood, thrw_a_way -- your words are worth their weight in gold, perfect, made me calmer, and I really like you folks

 

[Lostandfound7]

I just love u @Quarky00 ! U made me laugh my 1st day here, when I was feeling really down..Love ur dark humor n hope u r still here! U better be!

 

[Quarky00]

@Lostandfound7 , oh just remembered , break a leg I guess I'm slightly useful
I always see you around engaging in threads, with passion and compassion, wonderful!:)
Thanks for that reminder!!

 

[Lostandfound7]

@Lostandfound7 , oh just remembered , break a leg I guess I'm slightly useful
I always see you around engaging in threads, with passion and compassion, wonderful!:)
Thanks for that reminder!!

Awwwww ty..Ur so crazy!!so don't go anywhere yet!! At least wait til I'm tired of u n give u the "Ok"..

 

[Quarky00]

Slept on floor
Painful

Starting tomorrow not sure I'll have Internet

Hostel had not cleared a place for me yet. I have little to no energy. Should find another motel room for 1-2 nights but hard task for me. Don't know what to answer people and how to search (I write better because there's no stimuli, can focus, take my time). I considered going to SW office, let him book things, don't know if he'll do it. I don't know what to do if I won't find a place , I have no where to go. It's cold, I can't sleep outside on the steet..

Very scared.

I rarely leave bed/home , so "doing outside stuff" is a problem. I honestly don't know how to talk to service providers etc. And it's tougher if pain migraine vomit etc. Back really hurts. Upping pain meds. But that makes me blurry and weak. No anxiety in the horizon (surprising) but extremely stressed. Won't ctb in next 48h (I hope). Any encouragement or directions (what to do- like dummies lol) would help, a bit pathetic but my mind is blank when it comes to simple daily things (nothing unusual). Maybe I'm just stressing out and everything will work well tomorrow, hope so. My experience says it won't..

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

FWIW, I felt a bit dismissed. We should perhaps agree to disagree. I did not think the comment about the recent ctb was necessary. That was a tough night for a lot of us. I do think it is possible for people to exit before they are truly ready.

It may help you understand my thoughts better to know that I am bipolar. When I am ready to ctb, I can only see the bus coming. I cannot be brought around without force. I cannot be talked down. And I can think of absolutely nothing else. I can't imagine any other way unless someone will lend me his or her brain for a while.

Although it may be generalizing, each person interacts with the world through the lens of his or her experience. It is not meant to be dismissive, it just is.

I'm thinking I may have to exit this thread, with my apologies. All my nerves are on the outside lately.

 

[Quarky00]

Update -- still alive . DEFCON2 --> 3 . Roger out .

@UpandDownPrincess , sorry for that , indeed we better part ways I lost my home , I'm at edge of cliff = not place/time for grievances
I appreciate you. Take care.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Oh Quarky, I hate that you are scared. You are going through exactly what I'm afraid of.
I enjoy your posts and like seeing you round here. I would send you some strength if I could. I really hope you are okay.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

I am so sorry that you are going through this, you do not deserve it at all. I wish I could help you, but I honestly don't have any solid ideas at this time. If I think of anything I will let you know. I hope things work out for you. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and sending hugs, strength, love, and light your way. You are not alone, Quarky.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey, what can u do to help? I am a master problem solver (except for my own)..what can I help u with?. I just posted in another thread that we were BFFs! Lol..don't make me out to b a liar..

 

[Backwood_tilt]

I considered going to SW office, let him book things, don't know if he'll do it. I don't know what to do if I won't find a place , I have no where to go. It's cold, I can't sleep outside on the steet..

Please do this. I don't know if you have made up your mind about CTB, but if there's a chance for you to get help and keep going you should try and follow through. I'm sure your SW will help you.

 

[Shivani]

Quarky, I hope you are safe and doing okay.