Suppose to be CTB soon.. feels weird .

[fficiallyjawshh]

It feels really, REALLY weird . Done w/my meto, took my tagamet tabs maybe 30 minutes ago and I'm about to head out to pick up some candy and a drink as my "last meal" but it feels strange . I can't stop thinking about my mom . I thought I had mentally prepared myself to know that this wasn't going to be easy but today she kept talking to me and I know it's going to destroy her and that's eating me alive guys . I need to stop thinking about it and just chug the mixture already but I can't stop thinking about it .

For anyone interested I've taken a photo of the SN I used, the tagamet and the water bottle that contains the 100ml + 20g solution .

 

[Moonicide]

I understand, love. We are ultimately at peace with our decision, but we also know how much pain it will bring to others. It's not an easy thing to deal with. It fucks with you. And it's fucking with me right now. Because we love and care about these people... It's hard to say goodbye to them, even when you've accepted your fate. But after a while, I realized I was living for others and not for myself. And that wasn't a way I wanted to live, along with the multiple mental illnesses + physical ailments I have endured throughout my life... Is life still worth living for you? Do you live for yourself? Ask yourself these questions, but I know there is something that has lead you to ctb and it took a while for you to get here.

I really do hope you are at peace in the end, you deserve it.

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

I understand, love. We are ultimately at peace with our decision, but we also know how much pain it will bring to others. It's not an easy thing to deal with. It fucks with you. And it's fucking with me right now. Because we love and care about these people... It's hard to say goodbye to them, even when you've accepted your fate. But after a while, I realized I was living for others and not for myself. And that wasn't a way I wanted to live, along with the multiple mental illnesses + physical ailments I have endured throughout my life... Is life still worth living for you? Do you live for yourself? Ask yourself these questions, but I know there is something that has lead you to ctb and it took a while for you to get here.

I really do hope you are at peace in the end, you deserve it.

Thanks a bunch :,) it just sucks y'know . I'm sick of living for other people and I'm tired but I feel bad . I really don't know what I'll do but thanks for responding, I hope you find peace too <3

 

[Time]

Damn. I can see the exact same thing happening to me on my day. Leaving my family, how it's going to affect them, tears me apart. I'm just hoping that I'll be able to make the right decision for me.
If you want to talk, I'm here. Either way, I wish you the best in whatever you choose.

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

Damn. I can see the exact same thing happening to me on my day. Leaving my family, how it's going to affect them, tears me apart. I'm just hoping that I'll be able to make the right decision for me.
If you want to talk, I'm here. Either way, I wish you the best in whatever you choose.

As someone who is currently in the situation rn I can tell you it's hard . Indescribably hard . I'm sitting here on a random bench crying bc I can't decide if it's a pain I want my mom to go through . It's mentally exhausting me and I truly don't know what to do in this moment . Some part of me wants to chug the bottle of SN and be at peace and another part wants to stick around for my family in case things "get better" . Or at least till my mom passes or SOMETHING, ANYTHING to prevent her from experiencing this pain . I knew it wasn't gonna be easy but holy shit .

 

[Moonicide]

I know, love. It's so hard... Just know we are here for you and whatever you choose to do in the end we will support you.
Sending lots of love and support your way.

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

I know, love. It's so hard... Just know we are here for you and whatever you choose to do in the end we will support you.
Sending lots of love and support your way.

I know and it's insanely appreciated . I have no idea what to do . I'll figure it out I guess

 

[Time]

another part wants to stick around for my family in case things "get better"

Okay... So you believe that there's a CHANCE that things CAN improve for you & your situation?

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

Okay... So you believe that there's a CHANCE that things CAN improve for you & your situation?

I truly don't know . I don't believe so . At all actually . But the type of person I am who hates hurting people and I like making people happy, I might just have to suck it up and figure something out . Never have a considered antidepressants before but I see it as being one of the few ways I'll get through this . I'm not in good shape .

 

[Time]

Okay. I hear ya. I don't know you & I can't talk you into or out of anything. I just hope that everyone exhausts every option before ctb.

I think that there are people that have benefited from therapy/meds & some people who haven't (like me). But you've gotta make the right decision for you & your situation.

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

Okay. I hear ya. I don't know you & I can't talk you into or out of anything. I just hope that everyone exhausts every option before ctb.

I think that there are people that have benefited from therapy/meds & some people who haven't (like me). But you've gotta make the right decision for you & your situation.

May I ask what's keep you here ? And how didn't therapy work for you ?

 

[Time]

For now, family is what's keeping me here- I've decided to wait until after the holidays in the hopes of not ruining future holidays for them.

Therapy/meds helped initially with my anxiety & depression but after about 10 years of both, I feel like I have some deep rooted issues that can't be fixed with talking or meds.

Again, not saying it can't work for others. Just that it's not for me.

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

For now, family is what's keeping me here- I've decided to wait until after the holidays in the hopes of not ruining future holidays for them.

Therapy/meds helped initially with my anxiety & depression but after about 10 years of both, I feel like I have some deep rooted issues that can't be fixed with talking or meds.

Again, not saying it can't work for others. Just that it's not for me.

Ahh I understand . Not to be too nosey but do you have a specific date you'd like to CTB ? I know you said after the holidays but I was wondering if you were spitballing or had specifics in mind .

I'm not afraid it won't work, I just don't want it too tbh . I wanna be done so bad . Just out, but I can't . Not yet at least .

 

[Time]

Not a specific date but I figure shortly after New Years.

I'm not afraid it won't work, I just don't want it too tbh . I wanna be done so bad . Just out, but I can't . Not yet at least .

Oh, yeah. I know that feeling.

Just out, but I can't . Not yet at least .

Yep. That's where I'm @ for now.

 

[fficiallyjawshh]

Not a specific date but I figure shortly after New Years.

Oh, yeah. I know that feeling.

Well hopefully we'll stay in touch . You can confide in me whenever u need to just rant or vent if necessary . I'm always here . No matter what we choose I think we'll be alright .

 

[Time]

I hope so, too. I appreciate it a, fficiallyjawshh.

 

[belrgh]

don't know if it's any similar to how i've felt, but the one time i did try and the nights when it's bad enough to try again i feel like a melancholy happiness/sadness. I find myself tearing up a bit thinking about some people or how they'd find me, but all the memories and that just sort of spur me on to do it. I can't see the future being as good as my best days have been in the past and they get fewer and further between. The sadness and tears more so brings me to terms with the decision rather than discourages me.