Super close to doing it for real!
I've got an exit bag as the planned-out method, but I have my firearms for the impuslive one.
I've had a couple practice runs, to be honest I'd like it to be the planned out one but the closest I've gotten is with my firearms. It's been awhile since I fired my gun of choice, had the round chambered, got in my closet in a comfortable spot, looked at photos of my deceased significant other and tried to will it to happen. There's a slight give to my trigger and I took the barrel out of my mouth thinking I had the safety on (I promise I'm not a firearms noob, I'm just intoxicated and it's literally been 2 years since I fired this particular gun so did not have the memory of how much pull was needed and to be honest if self-harm happens it's what I intend sooo) and it went off next to my ear.
So right now I have a burst eardrum, a hole in my closet and bigger hole on the other side in the adjoining bathroom and then into one of my roof trusses (I looked). Yes, there may be some concern of where the bullet goes, but I specifically chose a low-charge cartridge with a high-fragmentation round to mitigate those risks.
The adrenaline was enough to jolt me out of my "I can do this, just pull the trigger" phase, but TBH I'm kind of excited because it's the closest I've gotten in awhile. Next time I'll know for sure and be ready and now that I know I can get this far all I need is that extra push and it will all be over.
I know as far as "wins" go, a failed attempt is nothing to be happy about but hey if it means I'm one moment closer to seeing Dylan again I can't help but think that I'm closer to being at peace.
I don't think suicide and attempts are something to celebrate but in this particular forum and this particular milesteone...I had to share for some reason. I apologize if this seems inappropriate.
I've got an exit bag as the planned-out method, but I have my firearms for the impuslive one.
I've had a couple practice runs, to be honest I'd like it to be the planned out one but the closest I've gotten is with my firearms. It's been awhile since I fired my gun of choice, had the round chambered, got in my closet in a comfortable spot, looked at photos of my deceased significant other and tried to will it to happen. There's a slight give to my trigger and I took the barrel out of my mouth thinking I had the safety on (I promise I'm not a firearms noob, I'm just intoxicated and it's literally been 2 years since I fired this particular gun so did not have the memory of how much pull was needed and to be honest if self-harm happens it's what I intend sooo) and it went off next to my ear.
So right now I have a burst eardrum, a hole in my closet and bigger hole on the other side in the adjoining bathroom and then into one of my roof trusses (I looked). Yes, there may be some concern of where the bullet goes, but I specifically chose a low-charge cartridge with a high-fragmentation round to mitigate those risks.
The adrenaline was enough to jolt me out of my "I can do this, just pull the trigger" phase, but TBH I'm kind of excited because it's the closest I've gotten in awhile. Next time I'll know for sure and be ready and now that I know I can get this far all I need is that extra push and it will all be over.
I know as far as "wins" go, a failed attempt is nothing to be happy about but hey if it means I'm one moment closer to seeing Dylan again I can't help but think that I'm closer to being at peace.
I don't think suicide and attempts are something to celebrate but in this particular forum and this particular milesteone...I had to share for some reason. I apologize if this seems inappropriate.
