Venting Sunday July 9th 2023. Day thread.

[Livingvsdying25]

Good morning gonna just make a post & reply to it for the day.

It's almost 7am. I'm feeling a lot of airy stomach feeling that's almost painful but drinking some water is helpful

I woke up and had a revelation about my current interpersonal relationships and it really pissed me off. But aside from that... it's also solidified being selfish in my decision to end my life. I really wanna leave a note but I'm not sure I'll be able to write a proper one like one without a bunch of angst & stuff but I dunno maybe one with angst is proper for me...


Either way ya kno it just made me realize...me alone without anyone opinions does want to CTB. Im comfortable with that.

Rn im listening to my usual cartoon on tv and space documentary on my phone. Despite the random revelation I'm surprisingly still sleepy Think ima eat 2 salt tablets, some more water and keep watching space doc.

I recently bought a variety pack of the salt tablets & woahh some really good flavors. I just gotta remember to eat em regularly so my body isn't as "POTS effected" so to speak..


The cannabis capsules I bought are so goooodd. the ones I used last night were really nice. I'm still sleepy from it and may take some more of the CBG/CBD one.


Tbh today I just wanna sleep and then next week or sometime today make a proper schedule for the suicide planning. Best to make it a plan but also best not to rush it. Gotta find the right balance. Often I rush or do it in high stress periods and it just obv doesn't work in those times so I gotta let my body& mind to de-stress then start this planning shit properly & with the detail & precision I am capable of.

Its not just about planning & getting the method ots about kerping my mindset good enough and in the right direction. It's about making sure nothing in my environment or life is making me feel a way thay will hinder me or the execution in anyway.

So I will be keeping myself as chill as possible. Keeping myself away from certain things & people. Keeping my space clean & clutter free. Things like that....


If I could just start over completely I would. If I could just go to another country and work/live I would just do that. But that's not an option for someone like me due to health issues & being below the poverty line.

So I'm just ending it honestly. Im sick of life. And yadda yadda the same old from me so.


That's my plan. Every action will be keeping CTB in mind. Im determined to do this. Would prefer to be gone by August but even mid August is ok.

Shall see.

Wow the salt tablets really do make me feel a lot better in ways. Was super dehydrated before and salt plus water always helps.

Might take more CBG/CBD capsules with THC. Bc today my plan is to sleep & eat & watch funny things & just relax.

Anyway thoughts thus far. It's depressing to realize your view or worth has changed with others. To be viewed as just broken or whatever or invalid is fucking hurtful and disgusting. Any hesitations I had of staying alive for anyone else or considering the impact is done. This isn't about anyone else but me. It's a burden to stick around for others anyway.

Im so over the interpersonal shit within my life honestly.


Well I'm gonna go and relax. Maybe take more capsules and watch a show or smthin until I'm sleepy enough to sleep. Maybe try to eat smthin.

 

[day]

This post is kinda wholesome. May I ask what the salt tablets are for? You mentioned POTS which I have but I didn't think there were many remedies for that. Is that what you're using them for?

Hope you have at least a peaceful day OP. You deserve nothing less and I wish you well.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

This post is kinda wholesome. May I ask what the salt tablets are for? You mentioned POTS which I have but I didn't think there were many remedies for that. Is that what you're using them for?

Hope you have at least a peaceful day OP. You deserve nothing less and I wish you well.

Awhh thnxx just enjoy writing my thoughts and it helps to get em out like this. Makes me feel a little less lonely in ways.

Sorry to hear ya have POTS too and yee theres no cure but certain things make it better depends on the person though. The salt tablets/electrolyte supplements is one of them.

They are called " Fast chew salt sticks" I got em.off of Amazon


I've also been trying out a bunch of different electrolyte drinks bc those can be helpful as well. Some come in liquid form & some come in powder form.

I can post a bit later on the ones I've tried & ones I hear are good jus kinda sleepy rn.

I hope you have a peaceful day as well & wishing you well too.


Here's a great website for POTS: https://www.awarenessforpotsies.org

 

[MrDarkness]

Glad to see your at semi, peace not angry or anything, it's good and I'm glad your doing well, I've been trying to ctb some days, I'm tired, but hey posts like these keep my living. I wish the best

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Glad to see your at semi, peace not angry or anything, it's good and I'm glad your doing well, I've been trying to ctb some days, I'm tired, but hey posts like these keep my living. I wish the best

I think anger for me is something that is just forever present. Helpful for fighting the CPTSD. A theory I can explain when not as sleepy.

But yee im.letting go of care from.a lot of things & people so less activated ig.

What's your current method? No pressure to answer. srry to hear you've been at that point & I can imagine the level of tired tired. It's rough & I hope you find some peace within the days. In glad to hear my thought dumping / live journalling is helpful in some ways shall pm when im more awake.

Good morning gonna just make a post & reply to it for the day.

It's almost 7am. I'm feeling a lot of airy stomach feeling that's almost painful but drinking some water is helpful

I woke up and had a revelation about my current interpersonal relationships and it really pissed me off. But aside from that... it's also solidified being selfish in my decision to end my life. I really wanna leave a note but I'm not sure I'll be able to write a proper one like one without a bunch of angst & stuff but I dunno maybe one with angst is proper for me...


Either way ya kno it just made me realize...me alone without anyone opinions does want to CTB. Im comfortable with that.

Rn im listening to my usual cartoon on tv and space documentary on my phone. Despite the random revelation I'm surprisingly still sleepy Think ima eat 2 salt tablets, some more water and keep watching space doc.

I recently bought a variety pack of the salt tablets & woahh some really good flavors. I just gotta remember to eat em regularly so my body isn't as "POTS effected" so to speak..


The cannabis capsules I bought are so goooodd. the ones I used last night were really nice. I'm still sleepy from it and may take some more of the CBG/CBD one.


Tbh today I just wanna sleep and then next week or sometime today make a proper schedule for the suicide planning. Best to make it a plan but also best not to rush it. Gotta find the right balance. Often I rush or do it in high stress periods and it just obv doesn't work in those times so I gotta let my body& mind to de-stress then start this planning shit properly & with the detail & precision I am capable of.

Its not just about planning & getting the method ots about kerping my mindset good enough and in the right direction. It's about making sure nothing in my environment or life is making me feel a way thay will hinder me or the execution in anyway.

So I will be keeping myself as chill as possible. Keeping myself away from certain things & people. Keeping my space clean & clutter free. Things like that....


If I could just start over completely I would. If I could just go to another country and work/live I would just do that. But that's not an option for someone like me due to health issues & being below the poverty line.

So I'm just ending it honestly. Im sick of life. And yadda yadda the same old from me so.


That's my plan. Every action will be keeping CTB in mind. Im determined to do this. Would prefer to be gone by August but even mid August is ok.

Shall see.

Wow the salt tablets really do make me feel a lot better in ways. Was super dehydrated before and salt plus water always helps.

Might take more CBG/CBD capsules with THC. Bc today my plan is to sleep & eat & watch funny things & just relax.

Anyway thoughts thus far. It's depressing to realize your view or worth has changed with others. To be viewed as just broken or whatever or invalid is fucking hurtful and disgusting. Any hesitations I had of staying alive for anyone else or considering the impact is done. This isn't about anyone else but me. It's a burden to stick around for others anyway.

Im so over the interpersonal shit within my life honestly.


Well I'm gonna go and relax. Maybe take more capsules and watch a show or smthin until I'm sleepy enough to sleep. Maybe try to eat smthin.

It seems like one of those "tired but kinda awake" days but when I dont comsume salt with my water then it just runs right through me and wakes me up so I think thats what's happening but im hungry anyway so gonna eat and then go back.to sleep. And eat more salt tablets and add some salt to my water.

Im deciding between 50% off pizza or the Korean corn dog deal I've had the Korean corn dogs like 3 days in a row so I think ima order the pizza... hopefully they are open. Sunday hours and all. Its almost 10am so hopefully.

Today I am watching anime shorts. Like animes with 3 min long episodes. Quite a few I enjoyed in the past and today not into any deep plot of long episode so it fits. This is what I miss about anime there's so many options.

Otherwise I'm tired and like feelin... I dunno... just kinda meh in ways. Like am I really gonna feel that great when I'm planning to CTB? Probs not but I don't feel horrible either.

And honestly eat has been so hard I'm still only eating like once a day rn but better than before where the struggle to eat at all was real. With the cannabis capsules its so much easier to eat though. Eating at least one large meal a day works for me rn. And snacking throughout sometimes. Very excited about the Japanese snacks I got yesterday. Yuzu mochi for example.

Yeee that's all. Hopefully I'll be able to get some hours of sleep in today. Off to order Hawaiian pizza with BBQ sauce in all my eating disorder and other eating issue with food it.is just so nice and so nice to be able to be excited about & enjoy bc it takes a lot for that to happen for me. / gotta be pretty relaxed.

I dunno revelations of this kinda relaxation only being possible when kinda cut off from life in ways and that making sense given all there is in my life...

So ima just enjoy these kinda lazy, chill etc days. Set up my body and mind to be chill & in a place to meticulous about planning.

Enjoy the last of my days so to speak without thinking about all that comes after this if that makes sense? Knowing ima die by my own hands soon but relaxing in the now.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I think anger for me is something that is just forever present. Helpful for fighting the CPTSD. A theory I can explain when not as sleepy.

But yee im.letting go of care from.a lot of things & people so less activated ig.

What's your current method? No pressure to answer. srry to hear you've been at that point & I can imagine the level of tired tired. It's rough & I hope you find some peace within the days. In glad to hear my thought dumping / live journalling is helpful in some ways shall pm when im more awake.

It seems like one of those "tired but kinda awake" days but when I dont comsume salt with my water then it just runs right through me and wakes me up so I think thats what's happening but im hungry anyway so gonna eat and then go back.to sleep. And eat more salt tablets and add some salt to my water.

Im deciding between 50% off pizza or the Korean corn dog deal I've had the Korean corn dogs like 3 days in a row so I think ima order the pizza... hopefully they are open. Sunday hours and all. Its almost 10am so hopefully.

Today I am watching anime shorts. Like animes with 3 min long episodes. Quite a few I enjoyed in the past and today not into any deep plot of long episode so it fits. This is what I miss about anime there's so many options.

Otherwise I'm tired and like feelin... I dunno... just kinda meh in ways. Like am I really gonna feel that great when I'm planning to CTB? Probs not but I don't feel horrible either.

And honestly eat has been so hard I'm still only eating like once a day rn but better than before where the struggle to eat at all was real. With the cannabis capsules its so much easier to eat though. Eating at least one large meal a day works for me rn. And snacking throughout sometimes. Very excited about the Japanese snacks I got yesterday. Yuzu mochi for example.

Yeee that's all. Hopefully I'll be able to get some hours of sleep in today. Off to order Hawaiian pizza with BBQ sauce in all my eating disorder and other eating issue with food it.is just so nice and so nice to be able to be excited about & enjoy bc it takes a lot for that to happen for me. / gotta be pretty relaxed.

I dunno revelations of this kinda relaxation only being possible when kinda cut off from life in ways and that making sense given all there is in my life...

So ima just enjoy these kinda lazy, chill etc days. Set up my body and mind to be chill & in a place to meticulous about planning.

Enjoy the last of my days so to speak without thinking about all that comes after this if that makes sense? Knowing ima die by my own hands soon but relaxing in the now.

I think today I'm feeling a bit.... down? The revelation I had this morning wasn't a nice one but it was a long time coming... soo?

Plans set and plans executed is a whole different thing.

Im tired... physically and mentally tbh. I always find this conundrum within attemptingn o enjoy my last days. Just the awareness that its the end brings about apathy and lethargy. Soo yeahh I am feeling that today. Gonna eat soon & should be better capsule effects with the food.

Semi sad that life has turned out to this point and semi sad that I even have a life at all. Really getting sleepy tho so gonna eat. Game. Sleep. I just feel down but don't per say wanna think on it too much today.

 

[MrDarkness]

I think anger for me is something that is just forever present. Helpful for fighting the CPTSD. A theory I can explain when not as sleepy.

But yee im.letting go of care from.a lot of things & people so less activated ig.

What's your current method? No pressure to answer. srry to hear you've been at that point & I can imagine the level of tired tired. It's rough & I hope you find some peace within the days. In glad to hear my thought dumping / live journalling is helpful in some ways shall pm when im more awake.

It seems like one of those "tired but kinda awake" days but when I dont comsume salt with my water then it just runs right through me and wakes me up so I think thats what's happening but im hungry anyway so gonna eat and then go back.to sleep. And eat more salt tablets and add some salt to my water.

Im deciding between 50% off pizza or the Korean corn dog deal I've had the Korean corn dogs like 3 days in a row so I think ima order the pizza... hopefully they are open. Sunday hours and all. Its almost 10am so hopefully.

Today I am watching anime shorts. Like animes with 3 min long episodes. Quite a few I enjoyed in the past and today not into any deep plot of long episode so it fits. This is what I miss about anime there's so many options.

Otherwise I'm tired and like feelin... I dunno... just kinda meh in ways. Like am I really gonna feel that great when I'm planning to CTB? Probs not but I don't feel horrible either.

And honestly eat has been so hard I'm still only eating like once a day rn but better than before where the struggle to eat at all was real. With the cannabis capsules its so much easier to eat though. Eating at least one large meal a day works for me rn. And snacking throughout sometimes. Very excited about the Japanese snacks I got yesterday. Yuzu mochi for example.

Yeee that's all. Hopefully I'll be able to get some hours of sleep in today. Off to order Hawaiian pizza with BBQ sauce in all my eating disorder and other eating issue with food it.is just so nice and so nice to be able to be excited about & enjoy bc it takes a lot for that to happen for me. / gotta be pretty relaxed.

I dunno revelations of this kinda relaxation only being possible when kinda cut off from life in ways and that making sense given all there is in my life...

So ima just enjoy these kinda lazy, chill etc days. Set up my body and mind to be chill & in a place to meticulous about planning.

Enjoy the last of my days so to speak without thinking about all that comes after this if that makes sense? Knowing ima die by my own hands soon but relaxing in the now.

It's hanging, I'd buy sn, but I'm 18 and still using allowance to buy stuff, I'll probably buy a rope, I still have stuff to do before I ctb, cleaning my room, computer etc, just trying to pass out or at least try to via hanging, ik it's dangerous, I'm gonna see if I can try with a tie later

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I think anger for me is something that is just forever present. Helpful for fighting the CPTSD. A theory I can explain when not as sleepy.

But yee im.letting go of care from.a lot of things & people so less activated ig.

What's your current method? No pressure to answer. srry to hear you've been at that point & I can imagine the level of tired tired. It's rough & I hope you find some peace within the days. In glad to hear my thought dumping / live journalling is helpful in some ways shall pm when im more awake.

It seems like one of those "tired but kinda awake" days but when I dont comsume salt with my water then it just runs right through me and wakes me up so I think thats what's happening but im hungry anyway so gonna eat and then go back.to sleep. And eat more salt tablets and add some salt to my water.

Im deciding between 50% off pizza or the Korean corn dog deal I've had the Korean corn dogs like 3 days in a row so I think ima order the pizza... hopefully they are open. Sunday hours and all. Its almost 10am so hopefully.

Today I am watching anime shorts. Like animes with 3 min long episodes. Quite a few I enjoyed in the past and today not into any deep plot of long episode so it fits. This is what I miss about anime there's so many options.

Otherwise I'm tired and like feelin... I dunno... just kinda meh in ways. Like am I really gonna feel that great when I'm planning to CTB? Probs not but I don't feel horrible either.

And honestly eat has been so hard I'm still only eating like once a day rn but better than before where the struggle to eat at all was real. With the cannabis capsules its so much easier to eat though. Eating at least one large meal a day works for me rn. And snacking throughout sometimes. Very excited about the Japanese snacks I got yesterday. Yuzu mochi for example.

Yeee that's all. Hopefully I'll be able to get some hours of sleep in today. Off to order Hawaiian pizza with BBQ sauce in all my eating disorder and other eating issue with food it.is just so nice and so nice to be able to be excited about & enjoy bc it takes a lot for that to happen for me. / gotta be pretty relaxed.

I dunno revelations of this kinda relaxation only being possible when kinda cut off from life in ways and that making sense given all there is in my life...

So ima just enjoy these kinda lazy, chill etc days. Set up my body and mind to be chill & in a place to meticulous about planning.

Enjoy the last of my days so to speak without thinking about all that comes after this if that makes sense? Knowing ima die by my own hands soon but relaxing in the now.

I think today I'm feeling a bit.... down? The revelation I had this morning wasn't a nice one but it was a long time coming... soo?

Plans set and plans executed is a whole different thing.

Im tired... physically and mentally tbh. I always find this conundrum within attemptingnto enjoy my last days. Just the awareness that its the end brings about apathy and lethargy. Soo yeahh I am feeling that today. Gonna eat soon & should be better capsule effects with the food.

Semi sad that life has turned out to this point and semi sad that I even have a life at all. Really getting sleepy tho so gonna eat. Game. Sleep. I just feel down but don't per say wanna think on it too much today.

I think today I'm feeling a bit.... down? The revelation I had this morning wasn't a nice one but it was a long time coming... soo?

Plans set and plans executed is a whole different thing.

Im tired... physically and mentally tbh. I always find this conundrum within attemptingn o enjoy my last days. Just the awareness that its the end brings about apathy and lethargy. Soo yeahh I am feeling that today. Gonna eat soon & should be better capsule effects with the food.

Semi sad that life has turned out to this point and semi sad that I even have a life at all. Really getting sleepy tho so gonna eat. Game. Sleep. I just feel down but don't per say wanna think on it too much today.

I ate and fell asleep. For like 4-5 hrs... A wedge pillow was purchased for me buttttt tried to use it and it might be too big. Dunno needa maybe play around with the position of it more. Thought it would help bc sometimes lying at certain positions makes me feel warmer body temperature wise. But still too sleepy to figure it out today.


Soo just gonna change the position of my current pillows. I dunno why but ig my body is just back in that schedule of only really being to eat like one big meal a day... which tbh works well for me rn.... just semi awake eatching whatever. My day so far is meh. Can't complain but can't per say say im loving it or smthin? It's just ok enough.

Yeee not much goin on on my end. I get bored of the same easily while craving familiarity. AuADHD struggles.

So today jus watchin some kpop variety stuff. Probs go back to sleep soon too. Otherwise jus chillin

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I think today I'm feeling a bit.... down? The revelation I had this morning wasn't a nice one but it was a long time coming... soo?

Plans set and plans executed is a whole different thing.

Im tired... physically and mentally tbh. I always find this conundrum within attemptingnto enjoy my last days. Just the awareness that its the end brings about apathy and lethargy. Soo yeahh I am feeling that today. Gonna eat soon & should be better capsule effects with the food.

Semi sad that life has turned out to this point and semi sad that I even have a life at all. Really getting sleepy tho so gonna eat. Game. Sleep. I just feel down but don't per say wanna think on it too much today.

I ate and fell asleep. For like 4-5 hrs... A wedge pillow was purchased for me buttttt tried to use it and it might be too big. Dunno needa maybe play around with the position of it more. Thought it would help bc sometimes lying at certain positions makes me feel warmer body temperature wise. But still too sleepy to figure it out today.


Soo just gonna change the position of my current pillows. I dunno why but ig my body is just back in that schedule of only really being to eat like one big meal a day... which tbh works well for me rn.... just semi awake eatching whatever. My day so far is meh. Can't complain but can't per say say im loving it or smthin? It's just ok enough.

Yeee not much goin on on my end. I get bored of the same easily while craving familiarity. AuADHD struggles.

So today jus watchin some kpop variety stuff. Probs go back to sleep soon too. Otherwise jus chillin

Today feels like one of those days where the lethargic feels just sink in more and more as the day goes by. As the day has gone by I've just felt lower & lower tbh.

Despite hating living at this point its never a joyful experience to be preparing to leave it. It always makes me feel heavy and weighted within my decision and god dammit still I'm concerned about people's reaction/ response and the impact on their lives.

I would feel so lost and wouldn't be sure I'd be able to find myself again plus anxious if someone around me died. Even those I don't talk to everyday or anything. / acquaintences...


I'm really not certain ima be able to go through with this but I'm also not sure if I'm able to live much either . Death just holds so much uncertainty. so even if in certain about the want of it I'm not certain I'll be able to go through with it. Ugh maybe I will call MAID again tmrw & start the process.

There is an option to have it administrator by a doctor but also one to take it on ones own. I dunno tbh. Just feels like it'll take so damn long. Plus having to like make it through someone approval but knowing myself and the panic I feel when sick I doubt I can handle SN. And honestly wasting my time going over and over a method I've known I most likely cannot do for yrs is wasting my fucking time.


My life is relatively / pretty comfortable all things considered. Which is why im both lethargic & bored on this Sunday. I don't wanna do much living wise tbh. Call it freeze response or the depression that's been settling in... but I don't really feel like engaging much or doing much this week. Social groups? Nah
Personal endeavors? Nah
Anything? Nah
Sighhhss I don't feel like doing anything. So I'm not like usual switching to living but honestly in spite of all the bullshit this yr I've never really or for the long allowed myself to just give up or "wallow" for that long. I'm jus depressed or smthing.

Instead of going full throttle at tryna change it I'm just gonna... not do much for a little while longer ig...

Who knows could be thyriod issues or some other physical thing making me feel so depressed. Haven't felt like this in awhile. It's hard to explain but it just feels different.

Today feels like one of those days where the lethargic feels just sink in more and more as the day goes by. As the day has gone by I've just felt lower & lower tbh.

Despite hating living at this point its never a joyful experience to be preparing to leave it. It always makes me feel heavy and weighted within my decision and god dammit still I'm concerned about people's reaction/ response and the impact on their lives.

I would feel so lost and wouldn't be sure I'd be able to find myself again plus anxious if someone around me died. Even those I don't talk to everyday or anything. / acquaintences...


I'm really not certain ima be able to go through with this but I'm also not sure if I'm able to live much either . Death just holds so much uncertainty. so even if in certain about the want of it I'm not certain I'll be able to go through with it. Ugh maybe I will call MAID again tmrw & start the process.

There is an option to have it administrator by a doctor but also one to take it on ones own. I dunno tbh. Just feels like it'll take so damn long. Plus having to like make it through someone approval but knowing myself and the panic I feel when sick I doubt I can handle SN. And honestly wasting my time going over and over a method I've known I most likely cannot do for yrs is wasting my fucking time.


My life is relatively / pretty comfortable all things considered. Which is why im both lethargic & bored on this Sunday. I don't wanna do much living wise tbh. Call it freeze response or the depression that's been settling in... but I don't really feel like engaging much or doing much this week. Social groups? Nah
Personal endeavors? Nah
Anything? Nah
Sighhhss I don't feel like doing anything. So I'm not like usual switching to living but honestly in spite of all the bullshit this yr I've never really or for the long allowed myself to just give up or "wallow" for that long. I'm jus depressed or smthing.

Instead of going full throttle at tryna change it I'm just gonna... not do much for a little while longer ig...

Who knows could be thyriod issues or some other physical thing making me feel so depressed. Haven't felt like this in awhile. It's hard to explain but it just feels different.

It's likeee one can go all day thinking "I'm fine" only to realize later on not really at all. Considering my personality I'm not particularly suprised that being inactive and unengaged makes me depressed but rn I'm more so inactive bc I'm depressed... sighhss gonna see if one of my support workers can take me to my doctors appt this week. Within this amount of apathy I doubt I'll make it. Could really be some physical health thing....

Gonna try to find things that make me laugh this evening bc this low is very low. It's making it hard to get by rn & that's not at all what I fucking need for tonight.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Today feels like one of those days where the lethargic feels just sink in more and more as the day goes by. As the day has gone by I've just felt lower & lower tbh.

Despite hating living at this point its never a joyful experience to be preparing to leave it. It always makes me feel heavy and weighted within my decision and god dammit still I'm concerned about people's reaction/ response and the impact on their lives.

I would feel so lost and wouldn't be sure I'd be able to find myself again plus anxious if someone around me died. Even those I don't talk to everyday or anything. / acquaintences...


I'm really not certain ima be able to go through with this but I'm also not sure if I'm able to live much either . Death just holds so much uncertainty. so even if in certain about the want of it I'm not certain I'll be able to go through with it. Ugh maybe I will call MAID again tmrw & start the process.

There is an option to have it administrator by a doctor but also one to take it on ones own. I dunno tbh. Just feels like it'll take so damn long. Plus having to like make it through someone approval but knowing myself and the panic I feel when sick I doubt I can handle SN. And honestly wasting my time going over and over a method I've known I most likely cannot do for yrs is wasting my fucking time.


My life is relatively / pretty comfortable all things considered. Which is why im both lethargic & bored on this Sunday. I don't wanna do much living wise tbh. Call it freeze response or the depression that's been settling in... but I don't really feel like engaging much or doing much this week. Social groups? Nah
Personal endeavors? Nah
Anything? Nah
Sighhhss I don't feel like doing anything. So I'm not like usual switching to living but honestly in spite of all the bullshit this yr I've never really or for the long allowed myself to just give up or "wallow" for that long. I'm jus depressed or smthing.

Instead of going full throttle at tryna change it I'm just gonna... not do much for a little while longer ig...

Who knows could be thyriod issues or some other physical thing making me feel so depressed. Haven't felt like this in awhile. It's hard to explain but it just feels different.

It's likeee one can go all day thinking "I'm fine" only to realize later on not really at all. Considering my personality I'm not particularly suprised that being inactive and unengaged makes me depressed but rn I'm more so inactive bc I'm depressed... sighhss gonna see if one of my support workers can take me to my doctors appt this week. Within this amount of apathy I doubt I'll make it. Could really be some physical health thing....

Gonna try to find things that make me laugh this evening bc this low is very low. It's making it hard to get by rn & that's not at all what I fucking need for tonight.

The more I become attune to it the more I have come to realize that the level of apathy and like depression I am feeling is very abnormal. Kinda scary bc the unknown or unusual os always scary. On a very basic human level but also bc of my own trauma. Sighss been listening to music for a bit. Hoping to get some answers with my doctor this week. I thought the majority of it was over with the PMDD/pms bein done and like to a degree it is but it isnt? Only the heavier PMDD feelings. This baseline of depression is really fucking uncomfortable. I think its thyriod related and while I'll probs still wanna die lemme at least treat this before CTB. Though I'm still gonna be calling MAID tmrw.


I feel like I have a bunch of appts this week and I dunno half of em. Tmrw is gonna be an active living type day I'm not looking forward to it but maybe in between can get my ducks in a row about some things. I'm on the fence about SN..I'm naturally a very indecisive person or very decisive. Not per say any inbetween. But what if the MAID doesn't go through?

Anyway just my thoughts tonight. Gonna watch an anime that isn't particularly uplifting but the vibe fits my mood rn.

Jigoku Shoujo. One of my favs. Have watched it many times over the last like 9 yrs.