4 Funny Suicide Attempt Stories
There was a huge argument going on in the cafe when I arrived. On one side was a guy trying to lose a few kilos. On the other was an amateur nutritionist. (Have you ever met anyone who is not an amateur nutritionist?)
The dieter had combined two different diets. In the mornings, he did the low-carb one where you eat loads of steak, and in the evening he did the food pyramid one where you eat loads of carbs. "I get more variety that way," he explained.
The nutritionist, a vegetarian, was apoplectic. "The two diets will cancel each other out," she thundered. The dieter was aggrieved. "But it's more balanced than your diet," he said.
I decided to step in before violence broke out.
But what to say? Fortunately, a fourth person was present -- and he had the perfect explanation. This gentleman was a reporter researching an article on suicides. He told us the remarkable story of Yang Jun 30, of Guangdong, China. Depressed after his divorce, Yang decided to kill himself. For safety, he used two methods at once. He downed 50 sleeping pills and then climbed up the Haiyin Bridge in Guangzhou.
But before he could fling himself 150 feet (46 meters) down into the murky waters, he fell asleep. "I couldn't make up my mind which was better, an overdose or jumping. So I decided to use both. However, I was feeling very sleepy by the time I got to the top and the next thing I knew I woke up in hospital," Jun told the press.
The reporter's cuttings collection was fascinating. On an item from the UK Daily Mirror last week, the headline said: "My suicide failed, says S&M husband Mike Roberts."
Of course it failed. If it had succeeded, he wouldn't be saying anything, would he?
Another cutting was about a suicide bomber attack in Jakarta last week. Happily, he was the "right sort" of suicide bomber. The only person he blew up was himself. A nice little self-solving problem.
I told the journalist about a technique used to stop suicides in southeast China. They cover bridges in butter to make them hard for citizens to climb (this is not a joke). The buttered individuals simply slide to the ground where guards arrest them. How does one grab a person covered in butter? How do they get the stuff off? Not sure: I expect they roll them around on giant slices of bread.
He told me about a suicidal guy in Wales who blasted himself with a shotgun recently. But he survived. So he pretended that a mystery gunman had attacked him. When the truth was revealed, he said he had lied out of "sheer embarrassment" at his failure to kill himself with a large weapon. He didn't mind being dead, but being embarrassed -- well, that was too much to ask. (This is a Guy Thing.)
If I were going to commit suicide, I would eat myself to death. Two diets at once: a nice way to go.
On other matters … I guess everyone looked up "Jully Black" on Google after Fardel's recent comments that he knew a real live singing star. Lo and behold, he's telling the truth. She is a singing star.
One of the reports said: "According to a piracy report by IFPI, the international music industry body, there were '2.8 million illegal file swapping requests for her music in the first two weeks of her album's release in 2005.' At the same time, Black reportedly 'struggled to sell 15,000 copies of the same album.' "
I guess that reflects on our discussion about fame. If people are downloading her tracks, she has fame -- but she doesn't get the big bucks that people may expect to come with it.
From the book industry, I can testify that lots of people find they have a choice of fame or fortune: they often come separately. For proof, check out the Booker Prize winners whose work is out of print because no one is buying any copies.
Unlikely Witness
