nosurpries
Member
- Jul 3, 2022
- 97
the last couple of weeks i've been getting worse but also better somehow.
i feel like i make it very obvious that i am a ctb risk, but no body ever notices. i check all the "suicide signs" boxes on paper, sometimes i feel like i may even get myself caught. but from what i can tell, nobody in my life notice at all. within the last couple of months ive become exceptionally socially withdrawn, shown signs of worsening depression, expressed feelings of hopelessness and feeling like i have no future, expressed feeling like my pain is unfixable, increased extreme mood swings, withdrawn from most if not all of my hobbies, made uncharacteristicly impulsive decisions, expressed self hatred, expressed feelings of "giving up", given away personal items or items that are emotionally valuable to me, and shown dramatic changes in my overall mood and demeanor.
and it's not that i even want anyone to notice or care or try to reach out. not anymore anyways, i think there was a while where i was just patheticly begging for attention and help that i would never do now in fear of being stopped, but no one noticed then. i mean maybe someone did but they never reached out to me or tried to offer me support in any way. i was just pushing the boundaries of what i could say or do without explicitly saying i wanted to commit suicide. i can't expect anyone to help me or save me, it was stupid of me in the first place and makes me cringe now.
my mood swings are getting worse, my irritability is set off by the smallest things it's becoming overwhelming. i'll be completely fine and then simple things like misplacing my phone or running into small inconveniences in my daily routine will sending me slamming doors and crying so hard on the floor i can hardly breathe because i'm so angry. i get so frustrated i think about rushing my ctb, and then i talk myself out of it and calm down and i'm fine again. i think about suicide every hour, sometimes every minute i just think about fucking killing myself. and this is small things, used to be only reasonably upsetting things would get me to overreact like this, but the last couple weeks its every little thing.
i saw a post on social media of all the people i used to be in a social group hanging out and have a fun weekend planned, there was also something else that i would say is reasonably upsetting that i saw and it's only caused me to spiral more and more. all i've been doing is crying the past 2 days because i feel so rejected. i think i just need to completely uninstall all social media so i don't end up rushing my ctb until i get everything in order that i want to. i want to do this the right way but sometimes my emotions effect my judgement so intensely.
also my dreams about sn have become recurrent. not all exactly the same, but always similar. the first one i was in an unfamilar house, instructing an umfamilar person on how to take their life via sn. another time was different, i was the one preparing the sn and with the intent on taking it myself, i recognized the place i was (emotionally significant to me), i just remember feeling very rushed like someone was coming to take it all away from me so i needed to take it straight away, i don't remember much else. and the most recent one, i was in my car somewhere i didn't recognize or it just wasn't important and i was testing the sn but i accidentally cut too deep and i wouldn't stop bleeding. i remember pressing on the wound and panicking thinking that i would pass out before i could take the sn but it wasn't mixed yet. i just remember fear and anxiety from all of the dreams, thats the thing. the theme of these dreams is the presence of sn, the intent to ctb, and overwhelming feelings of panic and anxiety. also for some reason in my dreams the sn drink is always purple which makes no sense, i know that sn is mostly clear, slightly whiteish when not fully dissolved. but in no way shape or form is it the purple that i see in my dreams. i have no clue why this is, maybe some childish part of my brain distinguishing it as poisonous lol. the sn dreams are equal parts interesting, comforting, and scary. maybe they are more of nightmares.
i feel like i make it very obvious that i am a ctb risk, but no body ever notices. i check all the "suicide signs" boxes on paper, sometimes i feel like i may even get myself caught. but from what i can tell, nobody in my life notice at all. within the last couple of months ive become exceptionally socially withdrawn, shown signs of worsening depression, expressed feelings of hopelessness and feeling like i have no future, expressed feeling like my pain is unfixable, increased extreme mood swings, withdrawn from most if not all of my hobbies, made uncharacteristicly impulsive decisions, expressed self hatred, expressed feelings of "giving up", given away personal items or items that are emotionally valuable to me, and shown dramatic changes in my overall mood and demeanor.
and it's not that i even want anyone to notice or care or try to reach out. not anymore anyways, i think there was a while where i was just patheticly begging for attention and help that i would never do now in fear of being stopped, but no one noticed then. i mean maybe someone did but they never reached out to me or tried to offer me support in any way. i was just pushing the boundaries of what i could say or do without explicitly saying i wanted to commit suicide. i can't expect anyone to help me or save me, it was stupid of me in the first place and makes me cringe now.
my mood swings are getting worse, my irritability is set off by the smallest things it's becoming overwhelming. i'll be completely fine and then simple things like misplacing my phone or running into small inconveniences in my daily routine will sending me slamming doors and crying so hard on the floor i can hardly breathe because i'm so angry. i get so frustrated i think about rushing my ctb, and then i talk myself out of it and calm down and i'm fine again. i think about suicide every hour, sometimes every minute i just think about fucking killing myself. and this is small things, used to be only reasonably upsetting things would get me to overreact like this, but the last couple weeks its every little thing.
i saw a post on social media of all the people i used to be in a social group hanging out and have a fun weekend planned, there was also something else that i would say is reasonably upsetting that i saw and it's only caused me to spiral more and more. all i've been doing is crying the past 2 days because i feel so rejected. i think i just need to completely uninstall all social media so i don't end up rushing my ctb until i get everything in order that i want to. i want to do this the right way but sometimes my emotions effect my judgement so intensely.
also my dreams about sn have become recurrent. not all exactly the same, but always similar. the first one i was in an unfamilar house, instructing an umfamilar person on how to take their life via sn. another time was different, i was the one preparing the sn and with the intent on taking it myself, i recognized the place i was (emotionally significant to me), i just remember feeling very rushed like someone was coming to take it all away from me so i needed to take it straight away, i don't remember much else. and the most recent one, i was in my car somewhere i didn't recognize or it just wasn't important and i was testing the sn but i accidentally cut too deep and i wouldn't stop bleeding. i remember pressing on the wound and panicking thinking that i would pass out before i could take the sn but it wasn't mixed yet. i just remember fear and anxiety from all of the dreams, thats the thing. the theme of these dreams is the presence of sn, the intent to ctb, and overwhelming feelings of panic and anxiety. also for some reason in my dreams the sn drink is always purple which makes no sense, i know that sn is mostly clear, slightly whiteish when not fully dissolved. but in no way shape or form is it the purple that i see in my dreams. i have no clue why this is, maybe some childish part of my brain distinguishing it as poisonous lol. the sn dreams are equal parts interesting, comforting, and scary. maybe they are more of nightmares.
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