iDieUDie80
Arcanist
- Jul 6, 2020
- 403
Shouldn't come as a surprise that I am indecisive, having OCD and all, but moreover, this is a very important decision.
I am scheduled to be admitted into a residential depression program on Sunday afternoon, but I'm not sure if I want to do that or not. This week has been incredibly difficult. I have been awake for hours thinking about suicide multiple nights before finally getting to sleep. I've been in so much pain, and so close to finally acting. About 90 percent of me wants to kill myself, 10 percent wants to do the residential program.
I am being told that my life has potential, but I don't believe that at all, and there are good reasons to believe so, particularly because of my criminal background and the nature of those offenses. But I am also being tortured by my intrusive thoughts, and have ongoing obsessions that I think will even shock the people I talk to at residential (keep in mind, I have done three different programs with the same provider in the past year). I don't feel comfortable at all opening up about what's plaguing me, I'm terrified of what they will say, what they might want me to do about it, and this is why I feel I can't accept what I believe to be my reality.
Tonight is my only chance before residential. I have the rope and know the place where I want to do it.
I am scheduled to be admitted into a residential depression program on Sunday afternoon, but I'm not sure if I want to do that or not. This week has been incredibly difficult. I have been awake for hours thinking about suicide multiple nights before finally getting to sleep. I've been in so much pain, and so close to finally acting. About 90 percent of me wants to kill myself, 10 percent wants to do the residential program.
I am being told that my life has potential, but I don't believe that at all, and there are good reasons to believe so, particularly because of my criminal background and the nature of those offenses. But I am also being tortured by my intrusive thoughts, and have ongoing obsessions that I think will even shock the people I talk to at residential (keep in mind, I have done three different programs with the same provider in the past year). I don't feel comfortable at all opening up about what's plaguing me, I'm terrified of what they will say, what they might want me to do about it, and this is why I feel I can't accept what I believe to be my reality.
Tonight is my only chance before residential. I have the rope and know the place where I want to do it.