I dont know you but I can see a little and will offer what I can.
Brothers, let them know you loved them, sincerely, pick a moment they had you laugh, really laugh and remind them.
Mum let her know you felt and appreciated her love, that she did everything right, that you remember her smiles and her last hug, that you're still her daughter and you love her.
Grandfather let him know you were thankful for any advice he provided. Let him know he was a pillar in your life and you are the better for it. Ask gently that he be there for everyone else.
To yourself while mulling and writing remember these people loved you, they will be impacted by your life forever, no matter what you choose.
They deserve more than tears they are worthy of time and well crafted words that paint I love you in their memories.
Hoping you have the time to make that happen.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it.
I have a complicated relationship with my family. Witnessed my dad abuse my mum for a decade fucked the idea of family up for me so I don't know what it's like.
Honestly, of the members I mentioned, my mum is the only one I really talk to and actually feel valued by, but she still doesn't get me or truly believe I'm capable of taking my own life despite having told her I will many times. I suppose she did her best and I appreciate that.
I don't really have any nice memories with the others, really. I'll have to dig deep. I isolated myself from them and they knew I wasn't fond of them. I always felt they didn't like me anyway.
Sadly the most prominent memories I have of my grandfather are him telling me that I'm a "dick" like my father at age 9. He had a thing against my dad for abusing my mother, which I had to see, and then he sort of didn't like me because I was dealing with autistic meltdowns which nobody knew were down to autism at the time. The rest are memories like oh, the default grandparent who buys nice things for their grandchild but none of that matters when you feel unwanted.
I was also probably attention-seeking as a kid because deep down I wanted someone to love me and to feel like I had value.
Never did get that though.
Saying "I love you" to my family feels odd to me. Maybe I'll just have to force myself but I hate that I've been pressured to be false both in life and now in death.
I hate feeling like I owe them something.. yeah maybe they'll be sad but they won't miss me. I think I'm basically already dead to them.
I'll tell them it wasn't their faults, sure, but idk about the rest.. my mother will get a lot of writing though.
It's a very foreign thing, to be planning your own death while nobody is making sure you're okay, and you gotta write them a note to make sure they're okay after you've done it.
