Venting "suicide notes" (not for others but yourself before death)

[Life_and_Death]

i write notes to myself. sometimes on paper (i know probably dangerous but its whats on hand), sometimes on my laptop. i write them to remind myself that i should be dead. giving the voices something physical i guess.
this is the one im currently working on. adding a new one each time something happens to upset me. i did skip the sentence i repeated like 50 times (if you want to be loved you have to die).
i can give a million "reasons" to kms whether theyre true or not, and yet still i keep breathing...everything i do feels pathetic, i shouldnt have removed that from below my name....
(while most can probably guess, the below is about my SO...)

youre depressive, youre worthless. no one really wants you. forget him, just kill yourself. he'll get over it. it wont matter because you dont

you literally cant do shit. you dont do anything right. youre a fail at everything. every second you breath is another second you prove how stupid you are. you should be dead, youre fucking useless. no one cares about you. they could find you dead and go about their day because you mean nothing and you never will. youll always be treated like shit because thats what you are. kill yourself its what everyone wants they just cant say it. "finally she shut up" is all theyll care about. youre so annoying, everything about your existence makes others hate you. do something right for once and kill yourself. then, everyone really will love you....
he even said the only thing he cares about is something that gets him mostly away from you. thats all you do is annoy him. he would be so happy if you were dead, youd be doing him a huge favor

PROOF!!! he ignored you. he couldnt even give you a split second to send a hug. kill yourself, he'll love you then,, because you know youll never truly be what he wants.... hes even said he feels he cant get anyone else, hes just settling with you, and clearly hates the idea..
he ALWAYS updates his friends and remembers his friend, but forgets you. why remember him when you mean nothing??
his life would be a million time better if he never met you, you should have just walked away but instead you destroyed him. do it! before you cause more damage.

do you write yourself notes?? its also where my signature came from...

 

[BGooG]

I just wrote on another thread that I write notes to myself all the time about how much I want to die. I do it on paper - I absolutely love pens and pencils, have multiple fountain pens and other nice pens and pencils. I write for a living and so using these implements is one of the few things that give me joy.

Anyways, I write all the time, then read them and rip them up into tiny pieces. Partly I don't like the idea of having others read them, and partly I always find them pathetically self-pitying. I see no eloquence, no useful words of wisdom to leave for my daughter or wife. Just me whining and bitching. I'd hate for those to be how anyone remembers me.

And yet I still write them all the time.

 

[Snatsbats]

Yeah im also making a note for myself where i put in all the reasons i want to CTB. All the reasons why i think im making a rational decision. I will keep it close when im CTB'ing so that when in doubt i can always read the reason why i should continue.

 

[Life_and_Death]

All the reasons why i think im making a rational decision

thats whats different about my notes. they arent rational. its just personal hate. if they were rational my list would look more like

drdp
hallucinations
bpd
cptsd
social anxiety
tinnitus
vertigo
atypical anorexia
ocd
spondylolisthesis
lumbar scoliosis
arthritis
ect

those are rational reasons to ctb. my "notes" are just lies i allow my MH to create without correcting it.

he even said the only thing he cares about is something that gets him mostly away from you.

he was sick and couldnt do what he wanted but he was still talking to me. its not that he cares more about it, its that he was away from it but not away from me. youre not going to think about whats there because its there and youre satisfied with it. like when something on me physically hurts. i dont think about that limb until its bothersome.

PROOF!!! he ignored you. he couldnt even give you a split second to send a hug

again..hes been out sick and away from it but knew i would be there so he just didnt think about it and was in the moment.

hes even said he feels he cant get anyone else, hes just settling with you, and clearly hates the idea..

while yes he has said this, i dont believe its true. hes a really nice guy and sadly the ratio between nice and bad people dont look very good. its not that he cant find anyone, its just that finding someone thats not going to fuck you over and actually care is difficult. (i think the settling and hating the idea gets covered in the next part)

he ALWAYS updates his friends and remembers his friends, but forgets you

not intentionally, hes just never really had anyone that hes "suppose to" update. the situations kind of messed up right now, im sure itll get sorted once i move and we have better communication ect. hes not really settling with anything in the sense of not having other options but more so we havent settled as a couple yet. plus theres no "clear" sign he hates it, he always expresses the opposite when i ask. although before he got upset about me asking because he thought it meant that i didnt believe him when really it was just a personal struggle, really nothing to do with him at all. but he understands that now. (see, unlike my husband, its not taking him 7yrs to figure it out. so thats a pretty good sign hes not bs-ing me either)
i know the truth. i just optionally ignore it, walking around with 1 eye closed until i break down.

 

[western_heart]

If I may make a suggestion… you should continue to write, and also write back to yourself like you did in this thread.

I write messages to myself expressing that I desire to die, reminding me of the pain I'm in, of the plans I need to follow through with.
Sometimes my messages on this forum, I reread a lot, as if I was the intended audience. I have paper notebooks as well.

Usually my notes are not so self critical but sometimes they are. When I write something like that it's one part trying to convince others of the pain she's in. And other parts will jump in to correct her sometimes. Sometimes the pain is not rational, sometimes it is something I can change in myself, sometimes I need to change my surroundings or talk to others to get them to take action. Internal dialogue (even though it's not so internal if I'm writing back and forth to myself) is really helpful at processing how I feel.

I've found that paper is good for me, I can actually see differences in my handwriting depending on the part of me writing, and it's easy to use different colors and kinds of pens too. I will correct my journal with red ink for example and write in pencil if it's a quiet voice communicating.

 

[Life_and_Death]

and it's easy to use different colors and kinds of pens too

i love the different color idea takes the guess work out of whos talking lol

 

[makethepainstop]

Don't know about notes, but I do keep thinking of wonderfully delightful methods of being killed! My favorite is to be bopping out of Walmart, with a cart full of groceries.Then some deranged angelic dude with a high powered rifle sites me and fires a round into my skull! Then I like to think how cool it would be when my arms fly out from my sides as my lifeless body hits the pavement. I'd like to have a video of that like special effects in movies when the shot and after effects being shown are lengthened so that it takes five minutes to hit the ground, on video. Then to see me laying on my back twitching once or twice as my last breath escapes me. I cannot tell you how giddy with shear delight the scenario makes me. If your enjoying suicide notes then by all means write some, just be sure not e finds them or you could wind up in a mental hospital. So far they can't read your mind. Love to all here.