I mean. I know no one is going to read this crap. I wouldn't. And no one will care if they do. But I wrote a 2000 word suicide note. I know there are things I'm omitting and I hate that. But this is what I have so far.
The date is 02 November 2023. I will write this over the course of several months. These are collectively my last words. I want to document my final thoughts and explain why I have chosen to die by suicide. I will write my final messages here as well.
I had depression first and foremost. The depression was debilitating and crippling. Despite trying many different medications, nothing had eased or reduced the symptoms. It is very much a terminal disease in my case. It was severe and complete. I found it impossible to live with. Symptom management had simply failed.
The depression dictated my life. It negatively affected my decision making, removing logic and reason and replacing with negative emotion. It prevented me from any fulfillment that I might have otherwise had, though I'm not sure what these may have been as the depression was complete and had full rule over my life.
The depression also caused severe loneliness. It's true that we live in an age where the world is shrinking and yet we as a species grow ever more disconnected because of the soullessness of the very cold internet. At first, it was enough to have contact on the internet with people who claimed to support me. As that support dried up, the desire for in person contact grew yet few were willing to spend time with me. The result was a massive increase in loneliness. I thought that loneliness was finite yet every day it grew.
Something surprising happened when I did have in person contact and that was that my depression symptoms increased which caused my loneliness to increase in real time despite being in contact. These times that I did have human contact were relatively rare despite my efforts to have them. Having visitors or being a visitor was painful. Yet not having them or being one was more painful. It was a zero sum situation.
Even while I write this, I am once again rejected by someone I consider close yet in practice is not. I will get to specific people later. But rejection and abandonment are very common occurrences of late. Perhaps they are busy. Perhaps they simply do not want to. Excuses abound. "I would but." Some people don't even go that far.
A selfishness of mine wonders if these people regret doing that now that I'm gone. Do they now wish they would have more time with me or just one more meeting? Perhaps they wonder could they have saved me had they been here for me. Perhaps so, anything is possible. But the fact is no one was. It doesn't matter now that I'm gone.
There were times when the depression left me. During these times of hypo-mania, I felt invincible. It felt like I could do anything I put my mind to. I truly experienced joy and happiness during these times. However, the periods of elation were short lived. The crash was worse than the initial depression before the mania. I had tasted from the well of life and knew what that felt like. When it was taken away, I finally knew what I was missing. It wasn't enough to be simply depressed, it was being depressed and hopeless.
When I returned to my normal state of depression, I was able to focus again. No longer was I invincible, I was vulnerable. It once again became crystal clear how desperate and hopeless my future was. Being manic did not change the divorce, the loss and hurt, the rejection, the loneliness. Returning to my normal state of mind made these things hyper focused and crystal clear. These things were outside of my control and absolute.
There were periods I had support. This support felt inconsistent. The inconsistency is understandable as people have their own lives to live and couldn't be there every single time. As time went on and I needed more and more support, my credit wore out and people got disillusioned with the amount of support I required. Indeed, the frequency and amount of support I needed had a negative effect on my support network as they became resentful I was so selfish to ask for help I was ungrateful for and didn't deserve.
I did make incredible effort on my own. I worked as hard as I was able to. It was as if I were training for a marathon while being out of shape. There were times I collapsed, times I didn't think I had anything left but dug deep and found something to push me, times I could not catch my breath. I worked harder than any other person in this proverbial marathon. Admittedly, I made decent headway into getting fitness. Toward the end of my life, I was simply out of energy because I pushed too hard. I literally pushed my body to an unhealthy level causing physical pain and injury. I used all my adrenaline to go beyond my limits causing damage to my health. I was physically and mentally spent. When I fell the final time, I did not have any energy left to get back on my feet. I lost the race.
It's possible to do almost everything right and still lose, as was the case with me. I often heard "keep doing what you're doing.", "you're on the right path", "you're doing the right things." Despite all this, there was no reward for my efforts. The nightmares of sleep and the reality of life became indistinguishable. The depression got worse until I could no longer bear it.
It wasn't just depression, though. Perhaps I could have lived with the depression if it were alone. The biggest cause of my suicide was my wife Katie. It's extremely important for you to know how much I loved my wife. When we were together, I did not show her. There are many reasons for this, but I can not change the past. Unfortunately, my wife Katie is to the point where not only does she no longer listen or care what I have to say, she's become malicious.
It was true that I was putting such effort forward for my own good, but I was also doing it for her. Katie was my best friend and soulmate. I would have done anything for her. Instead, my own evilness and desires got in the way and destroyed what was made in heaven. For this I had to be punished by death.
The fact is I was an adulterer. I confessed this to a priest, but I did not forgive myself as my wife did not forgive me. There are consequences to committing adultery. Leviticus says I was to be put to death. Proverbs has even more literal damning words to say, for I had reached the brink of utter ruin in front of an assembled congregation. My flesh and body were consumed by my actions. I have died for my lack of discipline, and also as Proverbs tells us, I had destroyed myself. Perhaps Christ had forgiven these things but I myself did not. I was far too prideful to ask Christ for forgiveness and mercy because I was in total despair, the sin that can not be forgiven because I could never ask for mercy from it.
The fact is, I ultimately made these decisions and ultimately had to live with and die to the consequences. Katie was my everything. No matter how scared I got, she was there to comfort me. No matter how sick I was, she was there to take care of me. We had a bond and a happiness that most people don't find at all in this world, and I decided to throw it away. The last time I ever saw Katie, I cried and I hugged her, I knew I would never see her again. Quite a lot of me died that day, just like quite a lot of her died when I committed these heinous sins against her. In a way, it was just that this happened.
A strong reason I decided to die by suicide is that I could not bear to see Katie with another person. But now that she's a widower, she's free to do as she pleases without guilt or consequence. That's something that was extremely good that resulted from my suicide. No more red tape, no more guilt or sin. She didn't have to lie to the tribunal about the wedding not being valid, though it was. She's free now with no ambiguity. I would never have accepted the tribunal's decision anyway. The marriage was valid.
I could go on much more about Katie, but where is there to say? I failed her, the end. Also leading up to my ultimate destruction was the loss of my forever home. It was far from perfect, but much closer to perfect than most people will ever get to. My entire life more than anything, I wanted a forever wife and a forever home. If I had that I could die complete. But it was lost. I raised incredible amounts of money trying to save the place, but it wasn't to be. It's gone.
One of the biggest voids in my life, however, was the loss of my children all at the same time of this happening. I don't think they ever really knew me or liked me, but now that they're in California, it's like they resent me, hate me, don't have time for me, or simply don't care. Perhaps this was my fault and I deserved that. My oldest daughter wouldn't even talk to me, going as far as to blocking me to make sure that didn't happen. Marge seemed to be enthusiastic about me, but she'd managed just fine without me. She won't have memories of me. The rest might. But it was better to be punished and they find out what a fraud I was and how awful I was from me than hear it from someone else. They'd have learned in time and resented me anyway. Maybe one day they can even forgive me. But I don't expect them to.
I had a number of friendships in my life. Leith and Andrew were my closest friends for quite a while and I hated how far apart we grew at the end of my life. Justin was always there for me. I met Aaron in college and he became my best man at my wedding. Rick Schaad was a rock to me until his death. Nick and Josh were always on point with their advice, as far as that was able to go. Poor Libby believed in this imaginary person within me that didn't exist, always hoping to bring out the best. And maybe she did, but my best was pretty awful. In the end, Tobi, Nick, and Jeremy were the closest things I had to friends. And I feel like I'm probably forgetting people, I'm sorry.
My therapist Allison was amazing. She achieved the best that she could possibly achieve in our time together. She minimized the pain and suffering to the lowest level it could possibly be. She got me through to the end and I know that wasn't easy at all. She didn't fail me, I failed her. The selfish egoist bastard in me liked to pretend I was her favorite client. She's also one of the women in my life that I didn't have inappropriate feelings for which is probably the best compliment I can give to her. I actually cared about her and listened. Unfortunately in the end it didn't work out, as some things don't. It wasn't her fault that happened. She did everything she could.
But no amount of therapy could remove what I have done to Katie and ruining the only good thing in my life. I have judged myself and found myself guilty. In the end, Katie did not have any good feelings toward me at all. She treated me very poorly and tried successfully to hurt me in the harshest ways she could imagine. She did does not care about my suicide. As I type this, I wonder if she will even notice my absence.
Between the depression, the hypo-mania, Katie, the absence of meaningful friendship, the loss of my forever home, the children being removed from me, and life in general, I ran out of ways to cope and I could not accept key details of the way life was at the end of my life. I could not forgive myself for previous awful decision making and I'm ashamed that I'd even consider doing them, let alone actually doing them. I didn't know Katie held such hatred and resentment toward me, but I did know her better than nearly any other person on the planet. There is still a good person inside her. Hopefully, without me around, that good person can finally thrive.
The date is 02 November 2023. I will write this over the course of several months. These are collectively my last words. I want to document my final thoughts and explain why I have chosen to die by suicide. I will write my final messages here as well.
I had depression first and foremost. The depression was debilitating and crippling. Despite trying many different medications, nothing had eased or reduced the symptoms. It is very much a terminal disease in my case. It was severe and complete. I found it impossible to live with. Symptom management had simply failed.
The depression dictated my life. It negatively affected my decision making, removing logic and reason and replacing with negative emotion. It prevented me from any fulfillment that I might have otherwise had, though I'm not sure what these may have been as the depression was complete and had full rule over my life.
The depression also caused severe loneliness. It's true that we live in an age where the world is shrinking and yet we as a species grow ever more disconnected because of the soullessness of the very cold internet. At first, it was enough to have contact on the internet with people who claimed to support me. As that support dried up, the desire for in person contact grew yet few were willing to spend time with me. The result was a massive increase in loneliness. I thought that loneliness was finite yet every day it grew.
Something surprising happened when I did have in person contact and that was that my depression symptoms increased which caused my loneliness to increase in real time despite being in contact. These times that I did have human contact were relatively rare despite my efforts to have them. Having visitors or being a visitor was painful. Yet not having them or being one was more painful. It was a zero sum situation.
Even while I write this, I am once again rejected by someone I consider close yet in practice is not. I will get to specific people later. But rejection and abandonment are very common occurrences of late. Perhaps they are busy. Perhaps they simply do not want to. Excuses abound. "I would but." Some people don't even go that far.
A selfishness of mine wonders if these people regret doing that now that I'm gone. Do they now wish they would have more time with me or just one more meeting? Perhaps they wonder could they have saved me had they been here for me. Perhaps so, anything is possible. But the fact is no one was. It doesn't matter now that I'm gone.
There were times when the depression left me. During these times of hypo-mania, I felt invincible. It felt like I could do anything I put my mind to. I truly experienced joy and happiness during these times. However, the periods of elation were short lived. The crash was worse than the initial depression before the mania. I had tasted from the well of life and knew what that felt like. When it was taken away, I finally knew what I was missing. It wasn't enough to be simply depressed, it was being depressed and hopeless.
When I returned to my normal state of depression, I was able to focus again. No longer was I invincible, I was vulnerable. It once again became crystal clear how desperate and hopeless my future was. Being manic did not change the divorce, the loss and hurt, the rejection, the loneliness. Returning to my normal state of mind made these things hyper focused and crystal clear. These things were outside of my control and absolute.
There were periods I had support. This support felt inconsistent. The inconsistency is understandable as people have their own lives to live and couldn't be there every single time. As time went on and I needed more and more support, my credit wore out and people got disillusioned with the amount of support I required. Indeed, the frequency and amount of support I needed had a negative effect on my support network as they became resentful I was so selfish to ask for help I was ungrateful for and didn't deserve.
I did make incredible effort on my own. I worked as hard as I was able to. It was as if I were training for a marathon while being out of shape. There were times I collapsed, times I didn't think I had anything left but dug deep and found something to push me, times I could not catch my breath. I worked harder than any other person in this proverbial marathon. Admittedly, I made decent headway into getting fitness. Toward the end of my life, I was simply out of energy because I pushed too hard. I literally pushed my body to an unhealthy level causing physical pain and injury. I used all my adrenaline to go beyond my limits causing damage to my health. I was physically and mentally spent. When I fell the final time, I did not have any energy left to get back on my feet. I lost the race.
It's possible to do almost everything right and still lose, as was the case with me. I often heard "keep doing what you're doing.", "you're on the right path", "you're doing the right things." Despite all this, there was no reward for my efforts. The nightmares of sleep and the reality of life became indistinguishable. The depression got worse until I could no longer bear it.
It wasn't just depression, though. Perhaps I could have lived with the depression if it were alone. The biggest cause of my suicide was my wife Katie. It's extremely important for you to know how much I loved my wife. When we were together, I did not show her. There are many reasons for this, but I can not change the past. Unfortunately, my wife Katie is to the point where not only does she no longer listen or care what I have to say, she's become malicious.
It was true that I was putting such effort forward for my own good, but I was also doing it for her. Katie was my best friend and soulmate. I would have done anything for her. Instead, my own evilness and desires got in the way and destroyed what was made in heaven. For this I had to be punished by death.
The fact is I was an adulterer. I confessed this to a priest, but I did not forgive myself as my wife did not forgive me. There are consequences to committing adultery. Leviticus says I was to be put to death. Proverbs has even more literal damning words to say, for I had reached the brink of utter ruin in front of an assembled congregation. My flesh and body were consumed by my actions. I have died for my lack of discipline, and also as Proverbs tells us, I had destroyed myself. Perhaps Christ had forgiven these things but I myself did not. I was far too prideful to ask Christ for forgiveness and mercy because I was in total despair, the sin that can not be forgiven because I could never ask for mercy from it.
The fact is, I ultimately made these decisions and ultimately had to live with and die to the consequences. Katie was my everything. No matter how scared I got, she was there to comfort me. No matter how sick I was, she was there to take care of me. We had a bond and a happiness that most people don't find at all in this world, and I decided to throw it away. The last time I ever saw Katie, I cried and I hugged her, I knew I would never see her again. Quite a lot of me died that day, just like quite a lot of her died when I committed these heinous sins against her. In a way, it was just that this happened.
A strong reason I decided to die by suicide is that I could not bear to see Katie with another person. But now that she's a widower, she's free to do as she pleases without guilt or consequence. That's something that was extremely good that resulted from my suicide. No more red tape, no more guilt or sin. She didn't have to lie to the tribunal about the wedding not being valid, though it was. She's free now with no ambiguity. I would never have accepted the tribunal's decision anyway. The marriage was valid.
I could go on much more about Katie, but where is there to say? I failed her, the end. Also leading up to my ultimate destruction was the loss of my forever home. It was far from perfect, but much closer to perfect than most people will ever get to. My entire life more than anything, I wanted a forever wife and a forever home. If I had that I could die complete. But it was lost. I raised incredible amounts of money trying to save the place, but it wasn't to be. It's gone.
One of the biggest voids in my life, however, was the loss of my children all at the same time of this happening. I don't think they ever really knew me or liked me, but now that they're in California, it's like they resent me, hate me, don't have time for me, or simply don't care. Perhaps this was my fault and I deserved that. My oldest daughter wouldn't even talk to me, going as far as to blocking me to make sure that didn't happen. Marge seemed to be enthusiastic about me, but she'd managed just fine without me. She won't have memories of me. The rest might. But it was better to be punished and they find out what a fraud I was and how awful I was from me than hear it from someone else. They'd have learned in time and resented me anyway. Maybe one day they can even forgive me. But I don't expect them to.
I had a number of friendships in my life. Leith and Andrew were my closest friends for quite a while and I hated how far apart we grew at the end of my life. Justin was always there for me. I met Aaron in college and he became my best man at my wedding. Rick Schaad was a rock to me until his death. Nick and Josh were always on point with their advice, as far as that was able to go. Poor Libby believed in this imaginary person within me that didn't exist, always hoping to bring out the best. And maybe she did, but my best was pretty awful. In the end, Tobi, Nick, and Jeremy were the closest things I had to friends. And I feel like I'm probably forgetting people, I'm sorry.
My therapist Allison was amazing. She achieved the best that she could possibly achieve in our time together. She minimized the pain and suffering to the lowest level it could possibly be. She got me through to the end and I know that wasn't easy at all. She didn't fail me, I failed her. The selfish egoist bastard in me liked to pretend I was her favorite client. She's also one of the women in my life that I didn't have inappropriate feelings for which is probably the best compliment I can give to her. I actually cared about her and listened. Unfortunately in the end it didn't work out, as some things don't. It wasn't her fault that happened. She did everything she could.
But no amount of therapy could remove what I have done to Katie and ruining the only good thing in my life. I have judged myself and found myself guilty. In the end, Katie did not have any good feelings toward me at all. She treated me very poorly and tried successfully to hurt me in the harshest ways she could imagine. She did does not care about my suicide. As I type this, I wonder if she will even notice my absence.
Between the depression, the hypo-mania, Katie, the absence of meaningful friendship, the loss of my forever home, the children being removed from me, and life in general, I ran out of ways to cope and I could not accept key details of the way life was at the end of my life. I could not forgive myself for previous awful decision making and I'm ashamed that I'd even consider doing them, let alone actually doing them. I didn't know Katie held such hatred and resentment toward me, but I did know her better than nearly any other person on the planet. There is still a good person inside her. Hopefully, without me around, that good person can finally thrive.
I really hope you find some peace.
