Venting Suicide is terrifying to think about doing.

[Meditation guide]

I feel like we tiptoe around the obvious with the whole idea of committing suicide. Even not calling it suicide is being a bit cute about this serious subject. So I want to put this core idea out there and yes I know we all would like to die but the thing is, no matter how you do it, it's scary.
So there comes a tipping point, which is worse, living or doing something terrifying such as.... ending your life. For me personally I need to be so scared of continuing to live, to wake up each day, that even committing suicide seems less frightening.

There are too many big unknowns. And I hate unknowns. I want to know everything about anything I'm going to do.

Continuing on is just going to be suffering and more suffering. I need to know that and feel it. I hate that I enjoy a few simple pleasures still but it's not enough. I feel like it should be but it's not. Just trying to convince myself, look at it logically here. Because I'm really scared to do it. But I want to. This is maddening.

 

[Darkover]

I know we all would like to die but the thing is, no matter how you do it, it's scary.

not for everyone i know for a fact i could drink N right now without any fear at all i just want to die whats scary is the method you have like sn

 

[Meditation guide]

not for everyone i know for a fact i could drink N right now without any fear at all i just want to die whats scary is the method you have like sn

You're right it's the method, that's the biggest fear. Will I fail. Will I suffer too much. Will I call for help. Why aren't there any videos of this method? I need to see at least 3 ppl who use this method to feel comfortable with it.

I couldn't swim until I watched others do it. I couldn't ride a horse until I saw others do it. But I'm supposed to drink SN never having seen anyone do it... it makes no sense.

 

[Left]

I have a great fear of death, as well. I realize it's an irrational fear because I have a strong suspicion that you will be completely unaware and unconscious to the fact that you are dead, therefore you will be unable to experience any negative thoughts, feelings, or emotions. I conclude that a death where you don't have to experience dying (a sudden and quick death) is the best way to go.

 

[Meditation guide]

What terrifies me the most is the idea that life could hand me a big, sudden disaster. A sudden horror I never could have imagined, like I was reading about a girl who seemed to have the flu but instead she had hidden sepsis and had to get her hands and one leg cut off.
What if something that awful happens? There are a million things like that down the road waiting.

I would prefer to take my demise into my own hands at my own time before the inevitable final horror.

What if I end up some day like Stephen Hawking, helpless, unable to move at all except his eyes, so helpless even suicide is beyond his ability to carry out, trapped in a useless flesh suit, a lump of meat. I wonder if anyone ever showed him the kindness of offering to help him end his life?

It's like you could end up like road kill, but still alive and aware. That's what really scares me the most. Things like this scare me too, surely SN has this way beat:

 

[アホペンギン]

Suicide is something terrifying to do, it is ending everything that you experienced and the only way to not be afraid is to be ready, you must know the possible outcomes and maybe even consequences of ctb and accept them, something hard to do unless you are completely broken but even then some people have trouble doing it.

 

[Meditation guide]

What would that be like to be dragged into a lake and eaten by a gator? They pull you in and roll over and over with you to drown you until you stop fighting. I'm sure SN isn't as bad as something like that. When I think about SN, then the other ways nature could get you SN doesn't sound so bad.

 

[saddavyd]

What terrifies me the most is the idea that life could hand me a big, sudden disaster. A sudden horror I never could have imagined, like I was reading about a girl who seemed to have the flu but instead she had hidden sepsis and had to get her hands and one leg cut off.
What if something that awful happens? There are a million things like that down the road waiting.

I would prefer to take my demise into my own hands at my own time before the inevitable final horror.

What if I end up some day like Stephen Hawking, helpless, unable to move at all except his eyes, so helpless even suicide is beyond his ability to carry out, trapped in a useless flesh suit, a lump of meat. I wonder if anyone ever showed him the kindness of offering to help him end his life?

It's like you could end up like road kill, but still alive and aware. That's what really scares me the most. Things like this scare me too, surely SN has this way beat:

But why not deal with the thoughts of things that are bothering you, but are likely never going to happen. If something bad comes along, deal with it then. It would help you so much to be able to let these thoughts go. I is an ocd trait and treatable.

I think many people who are feeling suicidal are dealing with actual events in their life that have happened and they are feeling suicidal as a result.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

My fear and hatred of this life is so intense that I am now more afraid of life than death.
I no longer care about what comes after death, because I am going to die anyway.
Also, I know that religion has lied about suicide.
Suicide as a sin is never mentioned in the bible, and the concept of suicide as a sin wasn't introduced into Christian doctrine until the 6th century AD.
Religion is Bullshit.
It's all lies.
Also, do you remember life before you were born ?

not for everyone i know for a fact i could drink N right now without any fear at all i just want to die whats scary is the method you have like sn

I would literally chop my one of my hands off for a vial of N, and wouldn't hesitate to drink it.

 

[vampire2002]

i'm a bit afraid only because of the uncertainty of all of it; the repercussions of failure and not knowing exactly what will happen after i die. probably nothing, but nobody knows 100% for sure so these little doubts creep into my head.
so yes, it is still scary for me, but often i feel apathetic about death as well. it's going to happen to us all someday, might as well be on my terms. it's not going to get any less uncertain and we all have to come to terms with it sooner or later.

 

[Meditation guide]

But why not deal with the thoughts of things that are bothering you, but are likely never going to happen.
Because in life something bad always happens sooner or later! There are a million terrible things that can and will happen. Heart attack, stroke, paralysis, cancer, pain, accidents, an endless variety of horrors await. I have CPTSD and I know for a fact how bad it can be.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

But why not deal with the thoughts of things that are bothering you, but are likely never going to happen.
Because in life something bad always happens sooner or later! There are a million terrible things that can and will happen. Heart attack, stroke, paralysis, cancer, pain, accidents, an endless variety of horrors await.

Yes, exactly.
Suffering, old age and death are guaranteed.
We just can't get away from it.
Suffering is inevitable.

 

[R_N]

This is why reproducing sucks. And people never really have a talk about death and how it might happen. Or illnesses.

 

[Riality]

The only way to die without fear is when death comes without seeing it that means one must be unconscious or some how unaware of the whole experience that's why it's recommended to take sedatives like alcohol, weed and benzos

 

[Deleted member 65988]

You're right it's the method, that's the biggest fear. Will I fail. Will I suffer too much. Will I call for help. Why aren't there any videos of this method? I need to see at least 3 ppl who use this method to feel comfortable with it.

I couldn't swim until I watched others do it. I couldn't ride a horse until I saw others do it. But I'm supposed to drink SN never having seen anyone do it... it makes no sense.

Why doesn't it make any sense when you've stated yourself that you've seen quite a few documentations here throughout your time being an active user. Do people have a reason to lie, possibly but I don't think that many have gone that far to lie about their experiences especially those who have come back to share their experience also, would seeing someone do it actually ease your fears over what could happen in your particular case because why do you think seeing someone take SN would leave you with less doubts than what you currently have, you will still have reservations because you won't know how it'll go for you as an individual. Regardless of the method, fear is a big reason that holds people back which is why many, no matter how elaborately planned their method is, never go through with it, this can't be the exception just because it's SN and it's a method that's divided people for some time on those forum, with others outright speaking against it. We've seen enough from SN, I don't know why people still have questions about whether it works, how peaceful it is which, let's face, comes down to what each individual considers peaceful to them and the changing course of how the regimen should be done.

I understand fear of failure, it's a reasons that holds many back but what gives me some level of confidence is the fact that people have done it before and had the exact same concerns and SN is more than likely to be lethal than not. Maybe it's because I've done the mental preparation of laying everything right in front of me and even measuring out the 25g of sn as if I was gonna take it but my fear isn't that great anymore.

What would that be like to be dragged into a lake and eaten by a gator? They pull you in and roll over and over with you to drown you until you stop fighting. I'm sure SN isn't as bad as something like that. When I think about SN, then the other ways nature could get you SN doesn't sound so bad.

This is what I've considered myself for some time now when weighing the prospects of dying this way compared to the countless ways one could die or suffer greatly before death. Sn doesn't sound anything close to being terrible as many others have died, many were not given a quick end, it was probably painful and terrifying to face. Nature is unforgiving and at least with SN or any other method that isn't to bad in terms of pain, gives you some level of ability to deal with it. This flesh suit can dish out all kinds of awful ways to suffer before dying and that could even take a while and not be a quick matter.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Yes, terrifying is correct. I am going to jump. Super terrifying, but like you said there comes a point where existing is more terrifying than killing oneself. I have a plan and I believe I know what my breaking point is. So, the day I break I will jump. It doesn't require set up, so It can happen as soon as my mind is made up. Until then I'm kinda living a blah existence.

 

[LonelyKitten]

I think it's a mental form of survival instinct.
I agree with you that there can come a point where living is more terrifying than dying.
(personally I think I have reached that point myself, fellow cPTSD here, big reason I consider ctb is to be "safe" from future trauma)

However, survival instinct is not something that we can fully control from a logical perspective, it's part of the irrational side of us.
Even if we consciously know the worst is to come, once we move toward suicide, survival instinct will claw at any ounces of doubt, any reasons to keep us from doing it.
Whether that is invoking doubts in methods, messing up our motor control as we attempt, invoking hopes of acceptable living (real or imagined - this can even reach into the realm of downright delusional).

From my experience, *thinking* about suicide for any amount of time before attempting will send you running around in mental circles, even if you fully understand your life is horrible without realistic escape.
That is why irrevocable, less technical, more abstract, etc. methods (for example drinking SN vs trying to slit an artery) are preferred and typically more effective.
We might reach a point where we would *want* to push a button and die, but that doesn't exist.
The closest thing to it would be like, a shotgun to the head, which is among the most effective methods for good reason.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly understand that it's dreadful feeling trapped in this existence, I hate how it's so difficult to die. For me if there's the option to just never wake again it really would be such a relief, existence truly is so hellish, the fact that there is no limit as to how much one can suffer is why I'd always see it as preferable to cease existing, existence terrifies me as well.

 

[Meditation guide]

Why doesn't it make any sense when you've stated yourself that you've seen quite a few documentations here throughout your time being an active user.

I've never seen anyone die from SN, just watched their messages, along with everyone else here, as they drank it. I have no idea what went on, just that they said they drank it. I assume when they stopped writing and never came back it worked but what actually happened in terms of suffering I have no way to know. Yes seeing someone take it would ease my fears.

Looking back at that video of the gator and her little dog next to the lake, as awful as that was, at least it was fast. Still, the horror!

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Yes, terrifying is correct. I am going to jump. Super terrifying, but like you said there comes a point where existing is more terrifying than killing oneself. I have a plan and I believe I know what my breaking point is is. So, the day I break I will jump. It doesn't require set up, so It can happen as soon as my mind is made up. Until then I'm kinda living a blah existence.

Me too. Beachy head after a few strong drinks. Then blindfold myself before I leap over the edge.
Just existing now until I go.

Why doesn't it make any sense when you've stated yourself that you've seen quite a few documentations here throughout your time being an active user.

I've never seen anyone die from SN, just watched their messages, along with everyone else here, as they drank it. I have no idea what went on, just that they said they drank it. I assume when they stopped writing and never came back it worked but what actually happened in terms of suffering I have no way to know. Yes seeing someone take it would ease my fears.

Looking back at that video of the gator and her little dog next to the lake, as awful as that was, at least it was fast. Still, the horror!

I stayed up most of the night to talk to someone on this forum last weekend who needed someone to talk because they didnt want to be alone before they drank sn.
I have no idea what happened, yet their account is deleted.

 

[nood11]

I feel like we tiptoe around the obvious with the whole idea of committing suicide. Even not calling it suicide is being a bit cute about this serious subject. So I want to put this core idea out there and yes I know we all would like to die but the thing is, no matter how you do it, it's scary.
So there comes a tipping point, which is worse, living or doing something terrifying such as.... ending your life. For me personally I need to be so scared of continuing to live, to wake up each day, that even committing suicide seems less frightening.

There are too many big unknowns. And I hate unknowns. I want to know everything about anything I'm going to do.

Continuing on is just going to be suffering and more suffering. I need to know that and feel it. I hate that I enjoy a few simple pleasures still but it's not enough. I feel like it should be but it's not. Just trying to convince myself, look at it logically here. Because I'm really scared to do it. But I want to. This is maddening.

My method is handgun to the head. You're right, it's very hard to actually execute. There's the whole part about having an explosion go off into my head and a piece of metal rip through. What exactly will that be like? There's no way to know until it's too late. How long will it take to die? What will that dying process be like? Will I be a permanent vegetable from a failed attempt? If I do pull it off what awaits me in the afterlife if anything? I don't like facing life everyday, but suicide is a terrifying thing to pull off.

 

[Meditation guide]

I don't like facing life everyday, but suicide is a terrifying thing to pull off.
I'm amazed that so many people do it so matter of fact, like tying a scarf to a doorknob to hang themselves, or children who hang themselves in a closet, how do they get this kind of bravery. I can't imagine this. I feel like I'm such a coward. I feel like I'm in a small panic just trying to imagine drinking SN. I'm in a slight panic about being alive at the same time.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Why doesn't it make any sense when you've stated yourself that you've seen quite a few documentations here throughout your time being an active user.

I've never seen anyone die from SN, just watched their messages, along with everyone else here, as they drank it. I have no idea what went on, just that they said they drank it. I assume when they stopped writing and never came back it worked but what actually happened in terms of suffering I have no way to know. Yes seeing someone take it would ease my fears.

Looking back at that video of the gator and her little dog next to the lake, as awful as that was, at least it was fast. Still, the horror!

See, I don't think it would that much because just because you see someone do it, doesn't mean it'll completely ease your own thoughts about how it could go for you because we do know that two experiences won't necessarily be the same. I'm more confident on observations made by past users who were with members either by watching through livestream or talking to them on the phone.

Forgive my earlier mistake of stating that you said you've seen people, as seeing a comment on a thread is not the same as visibly seeing someone do it but seeing videos like that may even traumatize since watching someone live isn't easy at all.

I think back to people like WornOutlife who did see LetzteAushfart ctb or Miserylovesmycompany who saw Stubbe take sn and ctb. I trust those more than I do the usual goodbye threads because they did a minute by minute breakdown of what happened to those users.

Might have been fast but still yes, it was absolutely awful.

I'm amazed that so many people do it so matter of fact, like tying a scarf to a doorknob to hang themselves, or children who hang themselves in a closet, how do they get this kind of bravery. I can't imagine this. I feel like I'm such a coward. I feel like I'm in a small panic just trying to imagine drinking SN. I'm in a slight panic about being alive at the same time.

Same here, just like that article I've seen of a 13 year old who sadly drank SN with Meto and was found dead, i did wonder how she did it. I suppose they didn't allow their doubts, fears or anything to get in the way and just went for it. That's the "bravery" you are talking about, they aren't operating on a thought process where they think through what they are doing but just go for it without thinking twice. I don't think you should feel like a coward, trying to get past SI may be more of a difficulty for some than others. It sounds like you are in a limbo of sorts, unable to move forward in any direction because of how stressful both paths are, a slight panic over drinking SN and a slight panic about being alive because sooner or later, something terrible that could happen that could turn your life around.

 

[Meditation guide]

I haven't cried in many years but did so the other day bitterly for about five minutes. Just the frustration of it all is getting to me. I have a few distractions I use every day that while not wonderful at least keep my mind occupied. But constantly think can I really drink that nasty stuff? Mentally I'm a wreck.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I don't like facing life everyday, but suicide is a terrifying thing to pull off.
I'm amazed that so many people do it so matter of fact, like tying a scarf to a doorknob to hang themselves, or children who hang themselves in a closet, how do they get this kind of bravery. I can't imagine this. I feel like I'm such a coward. I feel like I'm in a small panic just trying to imagine drinking SN. I'm in a slight panic about being alive at the same time.

I think that anger, and/or extreme anxiety is a driver for a lot of suicides. People become so emotionally unstable that they do it in an act of sudden desperation.
Personally, the closest I have ever come to ctb is when I have been in a state of utter emotional turmoil due to many of the problem's in my life that just can't be solved.

 

[Meditation guide]

The only way to die without fear is when death comes without seeing it that means one must be unconscious or some how unaware of the whole experience that's why it's recommended to take sedatives like alcohol, weed and benzos

This is what I love about the idea of using carbon monoxide, you can go to sleep and not wake up if you do it right.

If I just had a place all to myself this would be my method.

 

[Bacon and Baseball]

I don't like facing life everyday, but suicide is a terrifying thing to pull off.
I'm amazed that so many people do it so matter of fact, like tying a scarf to a doorknob to hang themselves, or children who hang themselves in a closet, how do they get this kind of bravery. I can't imagine this. I feel like I'm such a coward. I feel like I'm in a small panic just trying to imagine drinking SN. I'm in a slight panic about being alive at the same time.

the video of the known streamer ctb with night-night in the NN megathread was pretty amazing. He just hops down onto the mattress with the casualness of someone about to read the Sunday newspaper (back when that was a thing)

 

[february in alaska]

I feel like we tiptoe around the obvious with the whole idea of committing suicide. Even not calling it suicide is being a bit cute about this serious subject. So I want to put this core idea out there and yes I know we all would like to die but the thing is, no matter how you do it, it's scary.
So there comes a tipping point, which is worse, living or doing something terrifying such as.... ending your life. For me personally I need to be so scared of continuing to live, to wake up each day, that even committing suicide seems less frightening.

There are too many big unknowns. And I hate unknowns. I want to know everything about anything I'm going to do.

Continuing on is just going to be suffering and more suffering. I need to know that and feel it. I hate that I enjoy a few simple pleasures still but it's not enough. I feel like it should be but it's not. Just trying to convince myself, look at it logically here. Because I'm really scared to do it. But I want to. This is maddening.

This captures so many of my feelings so well. I think it's natural, though, especially when you're actually forced to face your own mortality. I think lots of people get scared of death, but when your brain realizes that you are actually considering CTB, you become just as much of a threat as anything else. Survival instinct is a bitch.

I hate the unknown. I don't believe in anything and I wish I did just to have some idea of what I'm going to be stepping into. But I find it comforting (and terrifying?) to know that whether I choose to CTB now or whether I die of old age decades from now, it's still going to happen. Dying is the one thing we have to do alone, but it's something we all have to do. Everyone. It's morbid, but I find it soothing to think of all the good things that have died. Kids, beloved pets, incredible people. They've all done this terrifying looming thing that I can't even begin to comprehend, just like the millions and millions of people who have passed since the beginning of time.

Even for people who don't have a desire to CTB, I think there's definitely something to be said about accepting death and coming to terms with it since it's the one thing that's guaranteed in this world. But I know that's easier said than done, haha. It's something I try to remind myself of whenever I spiral back into existential dread.