suicide is selfish (gross long vent, tw!!!)

[Renv1o_]

I know it is selfish. When people beg me to keep going, when they buy me gifts- I know it is selfish. My girlfriend often says she'd never forgive me if I actually ctb- I'm awful, because even after all the support and insistence I'll get better, all I want to do is hurt myself. Even in the "ideal" future, I cant imagine feeling happy. Something is wrong with me fundamentally. Why can't I feel connection or a joy that outweighs the need to be dead? What do I do…? All I want is to hurt myself.


Please someone convince me not to. It'll be impulsive and unplanned. I went for a walk earlier and lay in the road, but nothing will scratch that "itch…" and I got too insecure the second I was seen by others. I have a lot of medication, rope, blades- Anything, even if it isnt reliable to kill me- to just feel hurt is what I need. But I cant leave marks or others will see and look at me so awfully. I can't stand this feeling anymore. I miss the routine of having an overwhelming day and at least knowing I could cut or starve. I feel angry that people have stepped into my life to keep me afloat. I am angry that I'm loved so much but unable to find the will to keep strong for them. Sometimes I resent the people who have treated me so gently and I dont know why. Selfishly, I just want it all over with. I'm not cut out for life. I can love and laugh with others but alone, I am nothing. I don't function!!! I'm an autistic woman who spent their whole life being groped or barely even seen, and there's no one I can trust anymore. People make me sick. I hate being alive. I hate being a woman. I hate that everyone is so self aware with the need to be morally correct and beautiful in order to fit in. Fuck.


booo unrelateable !!!!kys selfish whore!!!!

 

[Ashes of a Dreamer]

Yes, suicide can be selfish, as people tend to face this paradox: facing the agony of one's existence to avoid others' pain, or ending a disgraceful life with the possibility of hurting people who like you and have a bond (even if the numbers are minimum).

In fact, each person has the right to decide it in its own terms - there isn't an absolute answer. What bothers me, however, are comments like this:

My girlfriend often says she'd never forgive me if I actually ct

Sounds like an emotional blackmail, wanting you alive no matter the circumstances and grieves. It's cruel to hold someone into a situation that is bad for them just for the sake of another, I think. Would you block someone from killing themselves if they hated their lives and didn't have any hope for the future? I wouldn't because it's selfish too.

 

[_Maya]

i definitely relate. You shouldn't let people guilt you into feeling like your a bad person for wanting to ctb, there's nothing wrong with wanting a way out of life. I've dealt with a lot of shitty people who constantly try to put others down to prove that they're "better" and morally correct when they really just are people following whatever movement is popular on tiktok. After a certain point, you just learn to stop caring
and i feel you on wanting to constantly wanting to be hurt, i often day dream of mutilating myself and harming myself in many gruesome ways.
Whether or not if you ctb, i hope you find peace.

 

[_D_]

It might be selfish but it's fine, who really cares. Your girlfriend will have no say in the matter if you just choose to kill yourself no matter what she says. Really everyone is selfish because they do things that benefit them, and that is perfectly fine. Does your girlfriend even make you happy

 

[Reflection]

While it is selfish, her wanting you to stay no matter what is also selfish in a way, even though she means well. I think It's just about choosing the lesser evil here, if you can find some contentment with being around your loved ones then perhaps it can be a good thing, though only you can make the call in the end.