Suicide is all I can think of

[leopard_gec]

I've become obsessed with it, I keep searching for videos/posts online about suicide. I guess me brain is desperately trying to give me second hand satisfaction or something, but they don't help it only makes me make desperate.

 

[alivefornow]

Honestly, same. I spent the entire day fantasizing about suicide and browsing this forum. I reckon my time is approaching, because my depression is becoming worse and the heart pain is more acute and unbearable with each day.

 

[jodes2]

The trick is to reserve it as a last option. Sure. Fantasize about it, just reserve the act for when things are absolutely hopeless and you have nothing. Practice defeating negative thoughts with CBT so you see that things aren't as bad as they sometimes seem, and many problems are fixable, and you can still try to enjoy life. Thankfully we always can CTB if we need to. But don't throw life away when you don't need to. It's reassuring having a plan, so do that if you want. Why do you want to CTB?

 

[dw33ter]

I relate with the situation you're in. I constantly fantasise and wish for it since I see it as the only way to escape from my situation, my life, and maybe most importantly, myself. If anything goes wrong or anything bad happens, at least I can always off myself. And since I lack the energy to go through with it (and because of SI) I just view suicide-related content for some degree of satisfaction, hoping that one day that could be me and I'd be brave enough to go through with it.

Come to think about it, this is kinda like my childhood when I wasn't allowed to play games, so I'd just watch hours of other peoples' gameplay on youtube. Nothing better than living vicariously through others, or in the case of suicide, not.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, basically all of my waking moments are spent wishing to die so of course I'm always thinking of suicide, it's what makes sense for me and I very much envy those who have succeeded. To me wanting suicide is simply the logical response to existing in this world, it's just so incredibly unfair how it's this difficult for us to actually succeed with it, of course if it was much easier I would be long gone.

 

[thankyou]

A therapist also described this sensation as a symptom of OCD intrusive thoughts. Im also constantly thinking about CTB. It gives me relief and my brain has become addicted to it. My dreams every night are me CTB. There was a time I would fight these instrusive thoughts with all my might, and it worked in a way I was able to finally think of other things. But after decades I found self control of my thoughts still never made me want to live. Now for the last year I have been allowing myself to think about CTB nonstop. It has rotted my brain as I'm unable to think of anything else. It's a form of invisible self harm.