Suicide idealation ruins everything for me

[mordumfan]

Wanting to kill myself isnt a thing that I want to go away, well maybe it is but I know deeply if it went away it would come back soon anyways. But it has ruined pretty much everything for me, I want to kill myself now though unfortunately im stuck at a place I can't right now, so what am I supposed to do? I don't have any hobbies except playing dead by daylight which distracts me temporarily, only for a little bit until I get mad and give up. I don't want to start a new hobby, "whats the point if I'm going to kill myself anyways?" I can't do anything, my obsession with suicide will always come back, it always has. Every year i fall into depression, last year was the worst. Pretty much once a day I thought about it, yet never had the courage to go through with it obviously. But I don't want to get better either, if I do "get better" it will crash down in a matter of time. And yes, I don't want a job. Maybe I am a lazy piece of shit. This rant is very poorly put together I apologise to whoever reads this but i have very very mixed feelings about it and I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me

 

[countingthedays1211]

Yeah I know what you mean, I have some hobbies that make things better, but it all feels like a temporary distraction, you know?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can appreciate that it's a complete motivation killer. I do know how you feel there. How can anything matter that much with death as a preference? It can also feel frustrating too I find. When we feel like it's something we want but, can't have right now. But then also, for me- it's a comforting fall back. The idea of an escape if things become too hard. So- I don't think any of what you described are uncommon feelings (for suicidal people anyway.)

 

[mordumfan]

Yeah I know what you mean, I have some hobbies that make things better, but it all feels like a temporary distraction, you know?

Nothing ever feels like it's going to last man, it sucks

 

[NonEssential]

It's a double-edged sword, it gives relief yet also makes you less motivated.

 

[mordumfan]

It's a double-edged sword, it gives relief yet also makes you less motivated.

Absolutely