Suicide has become a part of my identity

[End Piece]

Before my life came crashing down on me just over a month ago, I had had suicidal ideation, but not like this. At first, the cycling thoughts filled me with dread. The fact that my life was so pathetic I needed to end it was terrifying. Now, it's comforting. It feels like an 'aha' moment, like why didn't I think of this earlier, considering my life trajectory was already obvious? I guess I used to have hope. I thought that future me would somehow get her shit together. At least I have a way out. Can anyone relate?

 

[Thanatos]

Before my life came crashing down on me just over a month ago, I had had suicidal ideation, but not like this. At first, the cycling thoughts filled me with dread. The fact that my life was so pathetic I needed to end it was terrifying. Now, it's comforting. It feels like an 'aha' moment, like why didn't I think of this earlier, considering my life trajectory was already obvious? I guess I used to have hope. I thought that future me would somehow get her shit together. At least I have a way out. Can anyone relate?

I had the exact thing happen to me several years ago. I am bipolar though which is mainly why I'm still alive, though i will ctb soon. I threw my life away after I had the thoughts you're having. Got into drugs and fucked any hope I might've had up

 

[alexithymia]

I relate to you. I feel like it's inevitable for me and I'm thankful to have a way out. I'm not yet where you are, however. I still feel tons of dread and terror.

 

[End Piece]

I had the exact thing happen to me several years ago. I am bipolar though which is mainly why I'm still alive, though i will ctb soon. I threw my life away after I had the thoughts you're having. Got into drugs and fucked any hope I might've had up

That is interesting, about the drugs thing. I've having this intense urge to explore them. After 9 months of being dedicated to health and fitness, I've thrown it all away in favour of lying in bed with whiskey and oreos. My brand of hedonism is pretty mundane so far, but I wonder where it could go, now that I've resigned myself to death.

 

[Thanatos]

That is interesting, about the drugs thing. I've having this intense urge to explore them. After 9 months of being dedicated to health and fitness, I've thrown it all away in favour of lying in bed with whiskey and oreos. My brand of hedonism is pretty mundane so far, but I wonder where it could go, now that I've resigned myself to death.

They will help at first but make things even worse so unless you have a plan to leave real soon I would advise against them. Its ultimately your choice though

 

[Darkhaven]

I have been living with daily suicidal thoughts for more than one year.
I have come to accept that i will never be rid of them.
So it's one more chronic problem i will have to deal with untill i put an end to it.
It's a part of me no doubt.

 

[ronigail9]

I agree it has become a part of me too, and I won't stop until I do it.

 

[Marz]

I first attempted at 13 and have had several attempts since. I have always had the option of dying at the back of my mind. Not dying that way feels like a disservice.

 

[Dishonorable]

now that I really plan and have a idea how to ctb, I am kinda relieved and happier? I know that there is a way out and have something looking forward to. I don't HAVE to continue living this hell. but idk how it will be when SI kicks in. that's what I am afraid of.

 

[Kodama]

It's part of me since end of august because of financials issues coming (and culpability about this situation)... i have now daily suicidal thoughts and, in a same time, i believe in a miracle solution 5 days a week (i'm playing lottery)... Pathetic
But time is running, time is money and sooner or later i'll have no more choice than CTB, expect if my SI is to strong !