suicide from self-hatred

[littlepillbox]

i know a lot of you here want to ctb from chronic mental and/or physical illness, feeling hopeless from lack of options, etc.
i've been suicidal since i was very young. i have aspergers, BPD, and i'm a survivor of CSA and multiple assaults, all of which have contributed to my suicidal ideations
BUT, i've gone through a lot of therapy and none of those those things really bother me as much as how much I actively hate myself. like, I am the problem and there's nothing I can do to change that.

a lot of my friends and acquaintances are open about their histories and experiences with being suicidal, but they still find time to create art.
i'm too afraid of failure to ever show what i work on to people, and i don't even create anymore because I hate everything I produce.
i don't self-harm (besides cigarettes, which i started specifically as a SH measure) but i really just want to end my existence because i feel like a drain on resources and a net negative.

DAE feel this way?

 

[Azagorod]

I have the same feeling of being a dead weight on society as a whole but personally, It's more that I'm confused as to why/how I'm still alive. Like, for me, failures should be culled from the world so it can run smoothly and me wanting to ctb is just me taking the matter in my own hands. And I feel that I have no hopes of getting better because no I've been stuck in cycles of thinking I got better and falling back for the last 10 years..

Edit :

Just stumbled on this while browsing (source : https://xkcd.com/1027/) and I feel it summarize what I was trying to say better than what I wrote so I'm adding it here.

 

[littlepillbox]

failures should be culled from the world so it can run smoothly

if only things would actually work out this way. the world is absurd and cruel and senseless.

stuck in cycles of thinking I got better and falling back for the last 10 years

that's exactly it! seems like the commonality in every inevitable failure is me (and you). the cycles are a cat toying with its prey.

 

[DeepMind]

It may sound cruel and stupid but whether you are here because of disease or external experiences, it's bad luck and that's all. When you have aspergers, BPD and CSA, you are affected by several diseases. I would think that these diseases are directly responsible for how you feel. Why? Because people with these diseases have a much higher suicide risk than people without these diseases.

The problem with human life is the following. We all have human bodies and human bodies are prone to error because of genetic mutations, environmental influences etc.. If these factors are randomly distributed, there must be some humans who get the bad genes and maybe even a bad environment. I often asked myself why I have to be affected by disease, before I realized that this is the completely wrong approach. First of all, it's too late to change it right now, but second of all, each and every person with severe disease will ask this question. Why me? Well, because bad genes have to be distributed among humanity and some people need to get the bad genes and unfortunately, you had bad luck and got them. If your neighbour would have gotten the bad genes, he would ask why him, while you would carry on with a normal life and would never visit this forum.

I know this doesn't help but we should concentrate on how we can prevent this crap from happening. For example, we have gene therapy, we can prevent diseases from happening by repairing bad genes. Why is this technology not available to people who suffer a lot and who would rather die than continue to live? If you would give me access to a gene therapy that would cure my autoimmune disease, with a risk of dying of around 10% (new approaches are much safer than older ones, where people had deadly immune reactions), I would do it right away. Why? Because it could cure my disease and if not, at least I contributed towards curing a disease by showing what doesn't work. I think the whole purpose of living is to make earth a better place. If I can prevent other people from getting onto the road I got onto, I would do so.

 

[crea_the_hopeless]

This is so relatable. I remember having my first suicidal thought at 7 years old. Being sexually abused and growing up around domestic violence always made me feel so small and inferior. I've always been behind in life, and could never see a real purpose for my existence. I'm 22 years old now and i still don't see one. All I do is fail. Take one step forward then take 10 back.

I can relate to the part about creating as well. I just don't even bother with doing it because I know it's mediocre and that it sucks. I know no one will ever understand it and so I just leave art alone. I self harm but I've been so low lately that I don't even have the energy to do that either. I'm just a waste of space. A waste of energy. One of these days will be my day to finally end it.
This is so relatable. I remember having my first suicidal thought at 7 years old. Being sexually abused and growing up around domestic violence always made me feel so small and inferior. I've always been behind in life, and could never see a real purpose for my existence. I'm 22 years old now and i still don't see one. All I do is fail. Take one step forward then take 10 back.

I can relate to the part about creating as well. I just don't even bother with doing it because I know it's mediocre and that it sucks. I know no one will ever understand it and so I just leave art alone. I self harm but I've been so low lately that I don't even have the energy to do that either. I'm just a waste of space. A waste of energy. One of these days will be my day to finally end it.

 

[DeepMind]

Please let me tell you that nobody is inferior. Each and everyone of you/us is fighting a very hard battle against disease/circumstances. This has to be taken into account.

 

[littlepillbox]

It may sound cruel and stupid but whether you are here because of disease or external experiences, it's bad luck and that's all. When you have aspergers, BPD and CSA, you are affected by several diseases. I would think that these diseases are directly responsible for how you feel. Why? Because people with these diseases have a much higher suicide risk than people without these diseases.
[...]
I think the whole purpose of living is to make earth a better place. If I can prevent other people from getting onto the road I got onto, I would do so.

doesn't sound cruel or stupid at all, just true and matter-of-fact.
and, i agree with you. i am always pushing therapy and love and support to anyone i meet. i've learned countless coping strategies and ways to help others, and i enjoy it. like, yeah i'm a lost cause, but i can and do make people happy so that's enough for me until i can finally get out of here.


@crea_the_hopeless i disagree that you're a waste and inferior, but i feel the same about myself. unrelated but i love your picture. HxH is wild but so good, and she deserved more screen time.