Help Suicide due to my genetically bad hand in life

[eternalappraiser]

On the surface, I have an almost perfect life. I have some inherent privileges due to being born white, male, with blond hair and blue eyes. My biological family is well-off enough to have provided for me my whole life (I'm 21 now) and I have never had to do without, my parents are also happily married and have been my whole life. I have a sister who has accomplished a lot, and even I have a few things I am proud of myself for doing (I've sang at Carnegie Hall! I love singing.)


My family is severely mentally ill, however. My dad would hold his suicide over everyone's head when I was a child, and my mom would often leave me and my sister alone for stretches of time as kids without reason. My sister is something, I'm not sure what and I don't really believe in psychiatric labels, but I'm sure she could get like a NPD diagnosis. I'm often blamed for a lot, even now as an adult. I understand that since I am the age of majority I could get off my ass and not deal with it, but I feel like I have to bear with it financially. But honestly it's not really the reason for wanting to die?

So I'm a trans woman (no. 1 reason for ctb'ing), I'm autistic but a late diagnosis, I've also been diagnosed with ADHD but have never been treated, alongside depression/anxiety (but who isn't?) The only time I've been medicated was as a teenager, then I stopped once starting hormones. I haven't been on hormones for 2, almost 3 months now due to pharmacy and doctor errors. I really just feel like shit all the time.

Basically, I want to kill myself because my problems can never realistically be solved. I'll never see myself as a woman, and that was the only thing keeping me from suicide, was seeing myself as a woman. Since that won't happen, I should die (it won't ever get better). And I mean, life is universally shit for everyone on this planet, I have it pretty good considering, still don't want it. The other mental things are burdens too but my main thing is I'll never be a woman.

My method should work out for me but I'm scared because I'm not super experienced with it and also I'm scared I'm gonna come back. It used to be my motivation for suicide, die so I can be reincarnated as a woman, now it scares me.

Also, I'm not trying to say being a woman is easier/better. It's just something I'm stuck on. Honestly I barely relate to other trans people because they all seem so happy and feel like themselves after doing everything and I still feel the exact same, but really just worse because I "changed" but nothing else did. Shit still sucks.

Anyway, thank you for reading all this.

 

[Oirectine]

I dont mean to sound like an ass, but how would being a woman make your life better?

 

[Final Escape]

When did u start to want to be a woman? I wanted to tell u that I once thought changing the outside of my appearance would fix my inside issues but it didn't work. It's common to feel not in the right gender or desiring to be opposite gender but sometimes the issues are within and changing your sex to look like the opposite sex won't really change anything besides that u will need to be on hormones forever and surgeries can be risky to alter your body. I forgot what percentage of people regret the sex change afterwards. I'm not assuming u would but sometimes it's something that is inside and not something to fix on the outside.

 

[eternalappraiser]

I dont mean to sound like an ass, but how would being a woman make your life better?

When did u start to want to be a woman? I wanted to tell u that I once thought changing the outside of my appearance would fix my inside issues but it didn't work. It's common to feel not in the right gender or desiring to be opposite gender but sometimes the issues are within and changing your sex to look like the opposite sex won't really change anything besides that u will need to be on hormones forever and surgeries can be risky to alter your body. I forgot what percentage of people regret the sex change afterwards. I'm not assuming u would but sometimes it's something that is inside and not something to fix on the outside.

I'm aware that my life would not be any better had I been born a woman, and I that I would face struggles specific to that sex for having been born it. Realistically I wish I cis gender anything because the main hang up is that I am trans.

So for me, being born a woman would have simplied my life in that 1) I could date way easier (I wouldn't have to worry about having the wrong parts or being man-ish, and there's way more straight guys than one's into trans women) and 2) I wouldn't have this terrible BDD-like obsession with removing all of my primary and secondary sex characteristics.

It's expensive and draining to have all of these things done or to work towards, like voice training (a constant struggle), on top of FFS, BA, BBL, etc. And at the end of the day you'll always hate your skeleton for being male. I just hate that I had to be sexually dymoprhic in this way. Also, most trans people don't regret things unless they're botched, but I can't really prove that because one we get the majority of our transitioning done we tend to stop caring about it (the goal). Cause this is so debilitating for me because it's all I can currently think about, but I'm powerless to change anything, because I don't have the money or support. (I know I said my family was well off but they definitely couldn't handle any medical expenses, like most Americans. And they definitely wouldn't consider me a good reason! Which I get because unless this affects you it sounds 100% cosmetic).

If anyone is maybe looking to understand what it's like to be trans in a fictionalized sense, check out the Spanish movie The Skin I Live In and imagine if that happened to you (if born male). Otherwise, imagine if instead of starting puberty at the same time as everyone else, you got injected with testosterone weekly. So all of your friends remained normal but you were the tall semi-muscular freak with a deep voice and beard that men didn't like (unless they were into that stuff that you so desperately hated).
Oh but to add on I first "came out" when I was 3 but I understand that when a 3 year old comes up to their parent and says they are actually the opposite sex the parent doesn't believe them. So that's when all my psychiatry stuff started, but that specific part was missed (alongside my very obvious ASD/ADHD) and the Dr.'s reasoning for me wanting to be female was because I had an older sister... which, fair enough. I quickly learned that it was wrong to be who I was so I started to hide it by crossdressing only in private.

I came out for real when I was 17 because I was dating a girl and I realized that everything about me didn't go away just because I was dating someone. I hated the fact that I was somebody's boyfriend and I just resented her the whole time because I wish I could have been in her shoes. She was okay to me but when I told her all of this we broke up, obviously (I don't really feel attraction to women so it worked out anyways).

Another thing, I live in a pretty bad location to be lgbt+, the southeastern US. So there's a million times the pressure on me to pass as the opposite sex, but you have to fail before you succeed, so a lot of the stuff I need to be doing never gets done due to this. I've been on hormones for 2 years but still present as a feminine man because of this. If I had support and lived in a safer area literally the only things I could be suicidal over are dysphoria and honestly my physical dysphoria isn't super bad, it's just that when I already feel hopeless I start to consider because of things that will never change like my shoulders or hips, even though on my good days I don't even care about it.