Any body plans to dress up for suicide? I DO NOT mean funeral. But actual action of suicide.
My planned method is careful drowning. There are multiple other aspects X details I will follow to make it single X successful attempt.
Basically healthcare system failed me to extents you can imagine wasting taxpayer money, me getting no help at all and NHS staff having ball in life X good lives.
I have been victim of so much unreported crime due to NHS ambushing me X my mental health, like telling me nonsense that me is not credible, and due to how difficult is later to prove anything, how Police works x how they use anything against you later those compensating bodies and basically even if they are to pay, delays of any compensation payouts are massive, years lasting, I have been led to such losses by NHS abuse, such debts, and distress where I suffer catastrophic life altering physical and psychiatric injuries with massive central nervous damages due to treatment delays, failures of NHS and massive negligences, that soon, bcuz of overall non functional state, inability to work X maintain basic life, and where I live off remaining money which I do not anticipate will last very long unless I get full disability benefit, and I get back to work for entire 4h/week just to have grounds to claim ESA.
My current physiotherapy needs are rather extreme, like twice a week private physio. If I don't go, like the way I become is bad. Super bad. Like imagine if I go, I shower maybe every 3-4days. If I do not go, I can go without shower for up to 2 weeks (kinda becomes self neglect) which affects my mental health, and where I feel even worse. Where if I don't go, I don't do dishes for days X my room becomes disgusting mess X I start loving off take aways. I mean I end up TA anyway but like, nothing makes sense now.
Do I pay 140£ a week to barely exist-aka not really leave house anywhere other than 1x a week mandatory appointment, maybe 2x a week but not always to grocery stop which is 1 bus journey for few additional things, and where my bare existence(just grocery X physiotherapy X coffee) is literally within 1-2 bus stops from house.
Like I don't go out otherwise. Nothing except casual hospital visit. I don't see or have friends anymore. I don't have job(like I do but don't ask details-off sick now anyway for months). I don't go anywhere that could be considered being alive eg. Concerts, meet ups, outings, museum. Nothing anymore.
Last time I feel I functioned semi normal is year 2019. Since covid was mostly furloughs. Since year 2017 for various reasons mostly disability X health related I lost fortune on various support, massages, physio, support things(braces, crutches, electric blanket recently, various creams, various pick me up X health things I can't prove), TA food, Ubers to job, to hospitals. Like is longer story than you all can imagine.
Like last factual life trip other than attempt to go job and back, I did June 2019(where due my condition I missed flight back to massive extra cost), then October 2022 where trip was so exhausting and stressful I landed In hospital upon return and nothing else. I missed one flight in 2022 before the one I made out. I tried visit my family this year, I couldn't. Nothing. I made in August 2024 one bigger(for me X current health and FIRST since October 2022) journey across the London(other than much easier hospital journey) using tube, and train out of HIGHER need. Journey itself took me over 150% of time it should have taken. I cried whole time, each step and so badly like up to 15ppl asked me if I am ok on way in and out and I heard nothing but b*thing about NHS and sympathy to self. Which was you could say nice but not really solving anything. I was so bad X exhausted, I took about 6-7h break between trip back as total of journey with buses, train, tube and walking was way over 1h.
By return, I was so bad and tested up random ppl offered me sit by outside chairs and drink and hugged me bcuz of state I was. Like nice, but like not really solution or daily occurrence. I mean ppl tend to ask me if I am ok many times, across local area due my state, but I say to them that I am just bad X is health related. They ask if can help but I reject offers as I am afraid to be accused of something.
So getting to bottom. Suicide is becoming more and more real. Detailed plan is there X resources collected. I need few bits and bobs to ensure safety and success of my suicide-nothing illegal. Technicalities.
But my question is, do you think it will be strange if I dress up? Like considering the past X presence, and sum up of my life, and unfulfilled dreams and wants I am thinking very fancy dress, wedding like dress(like obviously I can't afford proper wedding dress for suicide, but you can get quite cheaply bridesmaids dresses with fancy cuts, ribbons, sequins, and crochet patterns or this wedding like materials). I think of veil too as you know, it will be my biggest regret not getting ever relationship X commitment ceremony. Not for sake of religion X institution, or big money spend fake party, but kind of want to have one special day in life. I know you can dress nicely daily, put make up for any job, but I never found event, had event or occasion or job to put on myself nice dress, minimalistic make u and feel like for a moment, special. And I know, expensive clothes do not make you special or make up. Is vanity. But is about the fact, that I even had no occasion, not at all to put not expensive-but nice looking dress in my life. Where some ppl get to wear it X do it daily or at least for few times a year. Like wanting it just once, is that too much to ask for?
I will take some meds X alcohol not to feel too much of drowning X full extent of pain that comes with drowning, but I think i will not really OD to vomit point. Will be more clouded mindset.
I worked my whole life X was always rather casual, simple neighbourhood girl. Trousers, jeans, sneakers, shirts, hoodies. No make up. I have done nothing great or France in my life. Even the holidays that I went only twice, it was just normal. No dress up. No outings X flashing.
Like just for me. I always thought one day, I'd get married or have something nice or special going in my life. Maybe like one special bday party or Halloween.
Or maybe I'd start family, have ongoing spouse dates, kids, some family outings, kids parties, moms events. Like the way ppl did me in life, extent of abuse X losses I endured including being trafficked X sexually abused by multiple ppl, I just feel I will never recover especially considering past and presence. Like NHS cries past 8 years they making me better. Like 8years ago I worked full time X overtime and it was related to trafficking but I did. And later traffickers got so bad, that they broke me. And basically, by time I escaped trafficking, NHS delays X failures were already like 5years delays, and by time they started to listen which was really bizarre how it all went, I was so bad, like I was just existing bcuz of good GM and COVID measures. And all ended, I ended too.
I haven't been living last 4, almost 5years. Is vegetative state, X survival. With NHS being all over place and them claiming I deny their help!!! Like severity of my injuries means I need manual physio X surgery, they send me outpatient physio to do exercises that I can't do bcuz of joints X tendons X amount of overal pain which of course is not treated at all.
Then they sent me to forcible appointments with employment advisor-online, and effectively led to past job loss by forcible pushes X help claims, whilst I had good job in good company X localisation, and I needed condition treated, Who told me I need to find local jobs, or I will have to start coming X going for face to face job interviews all over London X their trainings in entirely not accessible places.
My job needs to be like, I get on bus in front of house, I change once in bus stop, same stop or across street, and my job is max 5min walk from last stop. I found recently aka last 3Years, 3local jobs not including few short live cleaning stints.
1job, physically turned out more demanding than previous despite being similar, and 5min from my house. 2other jobs were kinda same,too demanding X insufficient disability support despite being local jobs. Not too mention abusive co workers and one behaving in predatory way X harassment levels in unwanted way. Last job, turned out best but my body can't cope at all.
Is dehumanising experience with isolation of levels you can't imagine and severity of injuries you can't imagine. Like all rallies on NHS compensating me and if they don't adequately do it, in right way, I just can't cope. Realistically, the way I am is so bad, I will need next 10years just to get back to where I was 8 years ago. Like bcuz of their failures I suffer, no joke- central nervous system damage due to pain levels.
My localised, 10/10 pain where meds (privately obtained) were working for 8years, since January 2017 became untreated at all massive all over body pain that continues to get worse x cripples me. It feels 30-35/10. My condition is one of most severe chronic pain syndromes in world. Over 200symptoms of neurological, physical, internal organs type. 24/7/365 days suffering of unbearable levels.
I can't focus as in past. I mix words, sense of words. It takes me 3-4x times longer to articulate myself, I struggle express self or keep train of thought. I don't read books anymore. I start reading eh news article, I forget. My memory doesn't exist. I can't finish single thing I start.
I go to kitchen, by time I am in kitchen I forget for what. I go shop, without list I come back without 80% of what I was thinking about. I cook, I use salt then I don't know where salt is. Or where I put it Like sometimes things are in front of me and I can't find them where I have very simple, minimalistic life/organised storage. It's just pain is so bad, I have, I'd not say those are hallucinations, bcuz hallucinating means dream state, but pain is so strong, such tension in my head X on my eyes, such pressure in eyes(where my eyes hurt constantly and are very dry and they feel like popping out of orbit) that when I close eyes is always flashy white light. When I have eyes open, I see fine, but there are moments of overall bodily weakness, pain getting unbearable, major nausea that I feel my sight is affected and l am like seeing things, but everything goes blurry. They say my eyes are okay except deterioration of short sight.
Bcuz of surgery delays, results are not good. Pain deterioration is like life altering. I can't study. Can't consider new job or career change even part time from home. Like I don't know how NHS or anybody expects me to exist and thing is they knew of things being bad. Like they wasted in past 5years, If their calculations are correct that each missed appt is 200£, about 6,000£ on pointless mental health referrals X general bollocks psychiatry visits, seeking personality X mood disorder, and that doesn't include Ambulance call outs, A&E useless visits, useless meds being given out that bcuz of misdiagnose made pain X physical health worse, way worse in way of aggrevating ore existing medical condition, where I have been deteriorating to levels, now I cry Central nervous system damage bcuz is CNS damage.
I struggle to recognize ppl in street. I have unbearable mood swings, and is not me being unaware of them, is me just not coping with levels of entirely untreated pain and pain relief I need-is THOUSANDS of pounds per years. Not related to any mood disorder X personality disorder, but to how pain affects X changes me inside. Talk frustration, irratiability, noise sensitivity, cognitive abilities altered, focused altered, energy levels down to levels where I am husk of self, and WHERE extensive number of NHS drs entirely ignored me, dismissed me, bcuz leading delusional X mentally ill dr in my care, obsessed with psychiatry, been dismissive of pain, pain in my head, me refer to psychiatry, bollocks about perception issues X schizophrenia. Like I went ballistic on NHS and I am not done yet.
And the NHS works in way is parrots. They repeat themselves to paint peer support, support each other where they fail to care, verify things X listen. Bcuz eh. They act on entirely fabricated medical history that was settled by peer parroting aka repeating themselves carelessly drs endangering patients recklessly. Like check BBC-6x NHS drs wrongfully misdiagnosed CANCER 17yo girl with anxiety 7 times. First made mistake by saying anxiety, 5 other blatantly followed. Ohhh. They did exactly same to me.
.
Pain is so bad sometimes, it UPSETS me when ppl talk to me and I do not feel like it. And where normal ppl tell me, been telling me I look/appear okay, that I am faking it they do not believe pain. Where NHS failed me entirely and for past years been saying is me problem X me psychiatric z unlogical X unreasonable X schizophrenia/personality disorder, where HOW HARD IS IT TO GET my condition is so severe I have no power for chit chats. For hobby chat, for weather chat, movie chat. For socialising. I just want to be left alone in peace to prepare meals, shower myself, eat, do laundry, fold it, and keep house in order.
I just can't do this anymore. I have soon private consult for pain relief. If 1st dosage is going to work, I will likely need at least 2more. If I am lucky, this should buy me unspecified amount of months pain free-opinions vary X effectiveness is about 60%. Where is 40% risk, I will not respond at all to first dose. One dose is over 1,300£.
With travel, consult and possibility of other expenses, absolute minimum appears to be 4,200£ for allegedly 12M pain free. That doesn't include fact I obtain privately ADHD meds, have privately treated ADHD bcuz of NHS failures X approaches.
This doesn't include private physio which I can't give up due to how condition affects my legs and wrists(like I drop everything, my wrists go funny, fingers inwards like crooked, handgrip is non existent, and I broke multiple glass in house and at work whilst I was still working-2nd accident, I left shortly afterwards).
Is bollocks. And levels of abuse X active harm X predators preying on me, manipulating me, coercively controlling X defrauding me LOSSES go into tens thousands of pounds. All whilst NHS ambushed my mental health and cried ppl good and me problem. Ppl are criminal fraudsters, this is what they are. Need to be entirely held accountable to their activity.
Realistically I don't have funds for more than year of existence. Even with benefits, max 18months.
My planned method is careful drowning. There are multiple other aspects X details I will follow to make it single X successful attempt.
Basically healthcare system failed me to extents you can imagine wasting taxpayer money, me getting no help at all and NHS staff having ball in life X good lives.
I have been victim of so much unreported crime due to NHS ambushing me X my mental health, like telling me nonsense that me is not credible, and due to how difficult is later to prove anything, how Police works x how they use anything against you later those compensating bodies and basically even if they are to pay, delays of any compensation payouts are massive, years lasting, I have been led to such losses by NHS abuse, such debts, and distress where I suffer catastrophic life altering physical and psychiatric injuries with massive central nervous damages due to treatment delays, failures of NHS and massive negligences, that soon, bcuz of overall non functional state, inability to work X maintain basic life, and where I live off remaining money which I do not anticipate will last very long unless I get full disability benefit, and I get back to work for entire 4h/week just to have grounds to claim ESA.
My current physiotherapy needs are rather extreme, like twice a week private physio. If I don't go, like the way I become is bad. Super bad. Like imagine if I go, I shower maybe every 3-4days. If I do not go, I can go without shower for up to 2 weeks (kinda becomes self neglect) which affects my mental health, and where I feel even worse. Where if I don't go, I don't do dishes for days X my room becomes disgusting mess X I start loving off take aways. I mean I end up TA anyway but like, nothing makes sense now.
Do I pay 140£ a week to barely exist-aka not really leave house anywhere other than 1x a week mandatory appointment, maybe 2x a week but not always to grocery stop which is 1 bus journey for few additional things, and where my bare existence(just grocery X physiotherapy X coffee) is literally within 1-2 bus stops from house.
Like I don't go out otherwise. Nothing except casual hospital visit. I don't see or have friends anymore. I don't have job(like I do but don't ask details-off sick now anyway for months). I don't go anywhere that could be considered being alive eg. Concerts, meet ups, outings, museum. Nothing anymore.
Last time I feel I functioned semi normal is year 2019. Since covid was mostly furloughs. Since year 2017 for various reasons mostly disability X health related I lost fortune on various support, massages, physio, support things(braces, crutches, electric blanket recently, various creams, various pick me up X health things I can't prove), TA food, Ubers to job, to hospitals. Like is longer story than you all can imagine.
Like last factual life trip other than attempt to go job and back, I did June 2019(where due my condition I missed flight back to massive extra cost), then October 2022 where trip was so exhausting and stressful I landed In hospital upon return and nothing else. I missed one flight in 2022 before the one I made out. I tried visit my family this year, I couldn't. Nothing. I made in August 2024 one bigger(for me X current health and FIRST since October 2022) journey across the London(other than much easier hospital journey) using tube, and train out of HIGHER need. Journey itself took me over 150% of time it should have taken. I cried whole time, each step and so badly like up to 15ppl asked me if I am ok on way in and out and I heard nothing but b*thing about NHS and sympathy to self. Which was you could say nice but not really solving anything. I was so bad X exhausted, I took about 6-7h break between trip back as total of journey with buses, train, tube and walking was way over 1h.
By return, I was so bad and tested up random ppl offered me sit by outside chairs and drink and hugged me bcuz of state I was. Like nice, but like not really solution or daily occurrence. I mean ppl tend to ask me if I am ok many times, across local area due my state, but I say to them that I am just bad X is health related. They ask if can help but I reject offers as I am afraid to be accused of something.
So getting to bottom. Suicide is becoming more and more real. Detailed plan is there X resources collected. I need few bits and bobs to ensure safety and success of my suicide-nothing illegal. Technicalities.
But my question is, do you think it will be strange if I dress up? Like considering the past X presence, and sum up of my life, and unfulfilled dreams and wants I am thinking very fancy dress, wedding like dress(like obviously I can't afford proper wedding dress for suicide, but you can get quite cheaply bridesmaids dresses with fancy cuts, ribbons, sequins, and crochet patterns or this wedding like materials). I think of veil too as you know, it will be my biggest regret not getting ever relationship X commitment ceremony. Not for sake of religion X institution, or big money spend fake party, but kind of want to have one special day in life. I know you can dress nicely daily, put make up for any job, but I never found event, had event or occasion or job to put on myself nice dress, minimalistic make u and feel like for a moment, special. And I know, expensive clothes do not make you special or make up. Is vanity. But is about the fact, that I even had no occasion, not at all to put not expensive-but nice looking dress in my life. Where some ppl get to wear it X do it daily or at least for few times a year. Like wanting it just once, is that too much to ask for?
I will take some meds X alcohol not to feel too much of drowning X full extent of pain that comes with drowning, but I think i will not really OD to vomit point. Will be more clouded mindset.
I worked my whole life X was always rather casual, simple neighbourhood girl. Trousers, jeans, sneakers, shirts, hoodies. No make up. I have done nothing great or France in my life. Even the holidays that I went only twice, it was just normal. No dress up. No outings X flashing.
Like just for me. I always thought one day, I'd get married or have something nice or special going in my life. Maybe like one special bday party or Halloween.
Or maybe I'd start family, have ongoing spouse dates, kids, some family outings, kids parties, moms events. Like the way ppl did me in life, extent of abuse X losses I endured including being trafficked X sexually abused by multiple ppl, I just feel I will never recover especially considering past and presence. Like NHS cries past 8 years they making me better. Like 8years ago I worked full time X overtime and it was related to trafficking but I did. And later traffickers got so bad, that they broke me. And basically, by time I escaped trafficking, NHS delays X failures were already like 5years delays, and by time they started to listen which was really bizarre how it all went, I was so bad, like I was just existing bcuz of good GM and COVID measures. And all ended, I ended too.
I haven't been living last 4, almost 5years. Is vegetative state, X survival. With NHS being all over place and them claiming I deny their help!!! Like severity of my injuries means I need manual physio X surgery, they send me outpatient physio to do exercises that I can't do bcuz of joints X tendons X amount of overal pain which of course is not treated at all.
Then they sent me to forcible appointments with employment advisor-online, and effectively led to past job loss by forcible pushes X help claims, whilst I had good job in good company X localisation, and I needed condition treated, Who told me I need to find local jobs, or I will have to start coming X going for face to face job interviews all over London X their trainings in entirely not accessible places.
My job needs to be like, I get on bus in front of house, I change once in bus stop, same stop or across street, and my job is max 5min walk from last stop. I found recently aka last 3Years, 3local jobs not including few short live cleaning stints.
1job, physically turned out more demanding than previous despite being similar, and 5min from my house. 2other jobs were kinda same,too demanding X insufficient disability support despite being local jobs. Not too mention abusive co workers and one behaving in predatory way X harassment levels in unwanted way. Last job, turned out best but my body can't cope at all.
Is dehumanising experience with isolation of levels you can't imagine and severity of injuries you can't imagine. Like all rallies on NHS compensating me and if they don't adequately do it, in right way, I just can't cope. Realistically, the way I am is so bad, I will need next 10years just to get back to where I was 8 years ago. Like bcuz of their failures I suffer, no joke- central nervous system damage due to pain levels.
My localised, 10/10 pain where meds (privately obtained) were working for 8years, since January 2017 became untreated at all massive all over body pain that continues to get worse x cripples me. It feels 30-35/10. My condition is one of most severe chronic pain syndromes in world. Over 200symptoms of neurological, physical, internal organs type. 24/7/365 days suffering of unbearable levels.
I can't focus as in past. I mix words, sense of words. It takes me 3-4x times longer to articulate myself, I struggle express self or keep train of thought. I don't read books anymore. I start reading eh news article, I forget. My memory doesn't exist. I can't finish single thing I start.
I go to kitchen, by time I am in kitchen I forget for what. I go shop, without list I come back without 80% of what I was thinking about. I cook, I use salt then I don't know where salt is. Or where I put it Like sometimes things are in front of me and I can't find them where I have very simple, minimalistic life/organised storage. It's just pain is so bad, I have, I'd not say those are hallucinations, bcuz hallucinating means dream state, but pain is so strong, such tension in my head X on my eyes, such pressure in eyes(where my eyes hurt constantly and are very dry and they feel like popping out of orbit) that when I close eyes is always flashy white light. When I have eyes open, I see fine, but there are moments of overall bodily weakness, pain getting unbearable, major nausea that I feel my sight is affected and l am like seeing things, but everything goes blurry. They say my eyes are okay except deterioration of short sight.
Bcuz of surgery delays, results are not good. Pain deterioration is like life altering. I can't study. Can't consider new job or career change even part time from home. Like I don't know how NHS or anybody expects me to exist and thing is they knew of things being bad. Like they wasted in past 5years, If their calculations are correct that each missed appt is 200£, about 6,000£ on pointless mental health referrals X general bollocks psychiatry visits, seeking personality X mood disorder, and that doesn't include Ambulance call outs, A&E useless visits, useless meds being given out that bcuz of misdiagnose made pain X physical health worse, way worse in way of aggrevating ore existing medical condition, where I have been deteriorating to levels, now I cry Central nervous system damage bcuz is CNS damage.
I struggle to recognize ppl in street. I have unbearable mood swings, and is not me being unaware of them, is me just not coping with levels of entirely untreated pain and pain relief I need-is THOUSANDS of pounds per years. Not related to any mood disorder X personality disorder, but to how pain affects X changes me inside. Talk frustration, irratiability, noise sensitivity, cognitive abilities altered, focused altered, energy levels down to levels where I am husk of self, and WHERE extensive number of NHS drs entirely ignored me, dismissed me, bcuz leading delusional X mentally ill dr in my care, obsessed with psychiatry, been dismissive of pain, pain in my head, me refer to psychiatry, bollocks about perception issues X schizophrenia. Like I went ballistic on NHS and I am not done yet.
And the NHS works in way is parrots. They repeat themselves to paint peer support, support each other where they fail to care, verify things X listen. Bcuz eh. They act on entirely fabricated medical history that was settled by peer parroting aka repeating themselves carelessly drs endangering patients recklessly. Like check BBC-6x NHS drs wrongfully misdiagnosed CANCER 17yo girl with anxiety 7 times. First made mistake by saying anxiety, 5 other blatantly followed. Ohhh. They did exactly same to me.
.
Pain is so bad sometimes, it UPSETS me when ppl talk to me and I do not feel like it. And where normal ppl tell me, been telling me I look/appear okay, that I am faking it they do not believe pain. Where NHS failed me entirely and for past years been saying is me problem X me psychiatric z unlogical X unreasonable X schizophrenia/personality disorder, where HOW HARD IS IT TO GET my condition is so severe I have no power for chit chats. For hobby chat, for weather chat, movie chat. For socialising. I just want to be left alone in peace to prepare meals, shower myself, eat, do laundry, fold it, and keep house in order.
I just can't do this anymore. I have soon private consult for pain relief. If 1st dosage is going to work, I will likely need at least 2more. If I am lucky, this should buy me unspecified amount of months pain free-opinions vary X effectiveness is about 60%. Where is 40% risk, I will not respond at all to first dose. One dose is over 1,300£.
With travel, consult and possibility of other expenses, absolute minimum appears to be 4,200£ for allegedly 12M pain free. That doesn't include fact I obtain privately ADHD meds, have privately treated ADHD bcuz of NHS failures X approaches.
This doesn't include private physio which I can't give up due to how condition affects my legs and wrists(like I drop everything, my wrists go funny, fingers inwards like crooked, handgrip is non existent, and I broke multiple glass in house and at work whilst I was still working-2nd accident, I left shortly afterwards).
Is bollocks. And levels of abuse X active harm X predators preying on me, manipulating me, coercively controlling X defrauding me LOSSES go into tens thousands of pounds. All whilst NHS ambushed my mental health and cried ppl good and me problem. Ppl are criminal fraudsters, this is what they are. Need to be entirely held accountable to their activity.
Realistically I don't have funds for more than year of existence. Even with benefits, max 18months.
