homesoon.
i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶n̶i̶c̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶b̶a̶c̶k̶.̶
- Apr 15, 2024
- 91
I feel like no matter what; no matter the emotions; the experiences: the time that passes; the poetry; the literature; the days; the music; the people; the moments that words can't describe, good or bad; family; loved ones; nothing ever seems to trump suicide. It's a me problem. I've accepted that. Whether it's genetic, historic, emotional, mental, neurological, physical, social; it always makes full circle. I would rather end the cycle here and now by cbting than spending the next the next 40-60 years in fucking misery because no matter how "good" things get, it is never enough. I am trying so hard to remind myself that nothing will matter when I'm dead; the depression, anxiety, guilt, survival instinct, overthinking, NOTHING. There will be nothingness. The very thing I CRAVE.
I plan to take tomorrow to rewrite my goodbye letters, think over my SN plan. I want to go through with it. I'm scared, of course. But, I want it so fucking bad. After 10-15years, I want it so fucking bad. At this point, I want to do the most outlandish shit and do whatever the fuck I want until I cbt. At the least, it will help push me closer to the edge. Fuck it if people don't like me and I burn bridges because of it. Best case scenario, less people to hurt over my death (like I fucked up and failed to do to begin with) & worst case scenario, I fail & try again.
I plan to take tomorrow to rewrite my goodbye letters, think over my SN plan. I want to go through with it. I'm scared, of course. But, I want it so fucking bad. After 10-15years, I want it so fucking bad. At this point, I want to do the most outlandish shit and do whatever the fuck I want until I cbt. At the least, it will help push me closer to the edge. Fuck it if people don't like me and I burn bridges because of it. Best case scenario, less people to hurt over my death (like I fucked up and failed to do to begin with) & worst case scenario, I fail & try again.