Warlord's Pulse
Time to end this endless war
- May 27, 2024
- 233
And by "Pandora Box", I mean, once you open it, it's done. The idea most likely will never completely vanish from your mind, hence a lot of users here stay on hiatus but almost always return.
I love to read different threads here, and try and establish some "patterns". It's clear to me that life is not linear. Lot of older users who had good lifes and then some life event or circunstance put all that for a waste. It is common too to see a lot of ambiguous threads for the same user (I myself admit that, when I was writing my first journal I was at peak satisfaction in some way, but never put the idea of suicide aside).
With time I started to develop a lot more empathy. I mostly don't judge anyone and always try to see things from their perspective, and that contributed in some twisted way for my own wellbeing. Most of people here want to die because of some kind of "failure", and them I dissociated for my own case, and started to think, "hey, if I feel compassion for other person, and even think that their situation is not that bad, why don't I behave the same way with myself?"
Most of my core problems came from the fact that I developed a pretty bad inferiority complex because of my older brother. Today I can't befriend him, can't talk to him, can't feel good with his presence, can't accept his help, because I was conditioned to avoid him and act dismissive towards him, and even extend that to anyone who resembles him. It's bizarre.
But hey, sometimes I see people here saying thinks like "why would someone choose me as a partner? I'm ugly, and talking about personality implies that someone couldn't be beautiful and have good personality, which is false"; while that seems true, relationships are not like job interviews where you compare people based on objective criteria. Well, I'm biased to say that 'cuz I'm demi (and ASD), but I genuinely don't have that much sensibility to looks, I think that maybe 90% of people are just somewhat normal, 3% really beautiful and 7% really ugly, and I once met a girl on a discord server about literature, and we got really close, I really liked her, but she had low self esteem. Once she sent me her photo, I didn't feel anything in particular, couldn't say she was beautiful, but at that point it didn't bother me in any way. She liked me too, and said I'm handsome and smart, such a good feeling of validation and acceptance. Unfortunately she lived quite distant from me and, even with our endeavours to try and meet in person, we ultimately (and mutually) decided to cut contact because of outer motives (like college, finances and parents). The entire thing was extremely respectful and reassuring, I learned a lot from that experience and it was one of my life moments that I'm more glad it happened than in pain that it ended (as silly as it sounds).
Anyway, my point being, yeah it sucks that we're already trapped in the suicidal world, but at least, maybe we can have a work towards feeling less miserable? I always deemed myself as very rational, but ironically this lead to a lot of arguably irrational decisions and mindsets. Nowadays, I prefer to just be pragmatical. I will not cease to be suicidal. My life is irrelevant, indifferent at best, and I can barely care if I'm alive or not, life feels like a scam because the cons massively outweight the pros, but you know what? Fuck this shit, fuck comparisons, fuck future prospects, fuck expectations, fuck beating myself, fuck fearing everything, fuck pushing people away, fuck seeking success or happiness.
Holy hell what a messy thread, no reasoning whatsoever, I will post it anyway, enjoy
Edit: is that recovery?
I love to read different threads here, and try and establish some "patterns". It's clear to me that life is not linear. Lot of older users who had good lifes and then some life event or circunstance put all that for a waste. It is common too to see a lot of ambiguous threads for the same user (I myself admit that, when I was writing my first journal I was at peak satisfaction in some way, but never put the idea of suicide aside).
With time I started to develop a lot more empathy. I mostly don't judge anyone and always try to see things from their perspective, and that contributed in some twisted way for my own wellbeing. Most of people here want to die because of some kind of "failure", and them I dissociated for my own case, and started to think, "hey, if I feel compassion for other person, and even think that their situation is not that bad, why don't I behave the same way with myself?"
Most of my core problems came from the fact that I developed a pretty bad inferiority complex because of my older brother. Today I can't befriend him, can't talk to him, can't feel good with his presence, can't accept his help, because I was conditioned to avoid him and act dismissive towards him, and even extend that to anyone who resembles him. It's bizarre.
But hey, sometimes I see people here saying thinks like "why would someone choose me as a partner? I'm ugly, and talking about personality implies that someone couldn't be beautiful and have good personality, which is false"; while that seems true, relationships are not like job interviews where you compare people based on objective criteria. Well, I'm biased to say that 'cuz I'm demi (and ASD), but I genuinely don't have that much sensibility to looks, I think that maybe 90% of people are just somewhat normal, 3% really beautiful and 7% really ugly, and I once met a girl on a discord server about literature, and we got really close, I really liked her, but she had low self esteem. Once she sent me her photo, I didn't feel anything in particular, couldn't say she was beautiful, but at that point it didn't bother me in any way. She liked me too, and said I'm handsome and smart, such a good feeling of validation and acceptance. Unfortunately she lived quite distant from me and, even with our endeavours to try and meet in person, we ultimately (and mutually) decided to cut contact because of outer motives (like college, finances and parents). The entire thing was extremely respectful and reassuring, I learned a lot from that experience and it was one of my life moments that I'm more glad it happened than in pain that it ended (as silly as it sounds).
Anyway, my point being, yeah it sucks that we're already trapped in the suicidal world, but at least, maybe we can have a work towards feeling less miserable? I always deemed myself as very rational, but ironically this lead to a lot of arguably irrational decisions and mindsets. Nowadays, I prefer to just be pragmatical. I will not cease to be suicidal. My life is irrelevant, indifferent at best, and I can barely care if I'm alive or not, life feels like a scam because the cons massively outweight the pros, but you know what? Fuck this shit, fuck comparisons, fuck future prospects, fuck expectations, fuck beating myself, fuck fearing everything, fuck pushing people away, fuck seeking success or happiness.
Holy hell what a messy thread, no reasoning whatsoever, I will post it anyway, enjoy
Edit: is that recovery?
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